Shame - hello again, unwelcome visitors

[Snookiebookie]

Hi all

I've come here, mainly, to vent.

I've been struggling for about 10 days with a really intense bout of shame.  It's just sitting there making me feel bad and very, very raw inside.

I tend to feel shameful very easily anyway, but every so often it gets to this level.   

This bout has been triggered by my new job.  Everyone is younger than me, so I feel a little insecure about my age.  I clearly don't fit in the same way as everyone else.   And why would I? I'm at least 15 years older than everyone.  I keep telling myself that it's okay. But slowly being on the outside had gotten to me.

The unsettled feeling had grown.  And given I have zero self confidence it's hard to balance the negative feelings.  And then the internalized voice of my mother kicks off.

My mum was always obsessed with how we looked.  She used to criticize me.  I dressed badly. I was overweight. I wasn't stylish.  I had terrible posture, and she used to call me names to urge me to correct this.  I felt lousy about myself.

I've never really liked clothes.  I was more off a rock chick or a goth.  I wasn't allowed to be like that.  It was stupid or childish.  But I really liked it, but felt ashamed to be myself. 

I never know what I should be, how I should dress.  I never seem to have enough clothes, or the right clothes. 

I did try discussing this in therapy this week.  She was somewhat helpful. Suggesting that because I've never been myself then that's where the conflict is.  That once I'm comfortable with myself, then the shame will go.

I kinda understand what she is saying, but I didn't feel that she helped me deal with the shame really.

I really, really do feel ashamed of being me.  This is from childhood (thanks to my violent and aggressive borderline father) and from adulthood (thanks to an emotionally unavailable overbearing and deeply judgmental mother).

I find it hard to be myself, mainly due to the voice from my mother (who passed away two years ago).  How do I break free from that voice? How do I deal when other people when they sound like her?

I do journal. I keep a note of successes, of positives and things I achieve. This usually keeps the anxiety at bay.  I also keep note if things that I approve about myself. This is an attempt to self validate.But at the moment the shame is winning.

I've also noticed that in craving attention.  This is because I'm so desperate for approval. I've even thought about making contact with old acquaintances - people who would probably be unhealthy to be around. There are reasons that I cut them off before, they were negative for me.. But I'm feeling so low, that they seen appealing now. 

Thanks for listening

[Three Roses]

A safe  if you want one. 

I understand how it feels to not feel like you really know who you are. I'm there myself, currently.

As far as quieting the IC, I wish I had some good ideas for you. I'm really hard on myself, too often I totally agree with mine.