kdke's Recovery Journal

[kdke]

Back from the quiet zone again. I get so sucked up in my thoughts and stressors that I can forget how helpful this forum is for me. I'm very thankful for it, even when I just mostly ramble and sometimes make no sense lol.

I've been having a strange few weeks. To begin, which isn't so strange, I started my work-based learning for my college degree. So far, it's actually pretty nice. I really felt myself ease into it with little anxiety. I was so grateful I didn't feel terrified tbh. There are a few things I'm ironing out (I know some stress is building when I forget details of a job), but I'm doing my best to not let it get to me. It did a little today, but I'm reminding myself that I have time--I just have to give myself that time and do my best.

Beyond that, I've made more space between me and Grace. After our conflict, I've limited my interactions with her and I'm hoping she understands that things are not the same anymore between us. Not in a bad way, just in a way that is wiser for us both, from my perspective. That conflict that happened a few weeks ago honestly affects me to this day, and I'm just trying to allow my mind to process it and then let go.

It's even shown up in my dreams. I've been making jokes at myself about my dreams--my subconscious has been so direct and blunt in my dreams lately! It almost feels like it's playing therapist for me, like, "Let's talk about how you really feel, shall we?" Almost every night since the weekend, it's not given me a break. It's helping me to face what I've been repressing very strongly lately.

I had one dream about confronting Grace, and in that same dream, I was behaving strangely around my boyfriend, Mark. My dream self was avoiding him, not wanting to be near him. I picked up on it very quickly once I was awake and knew that it's because I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with some doubt and second thoughts.

The next night, I dreamed I cheated on Mark with a woman. Dream self had no regrets, only some anxiety over getting caught.

The next night, I dreamed of watching two people cheating with each other. Later in my dream, I was holding Mark from behind and wondering if that was what I wanted. I thought that it was enough, that I would be ok, and felt calm about it. After I woke up, though, I realized that I was finding contentment in compromising. I was still questioning.

In a way, I wonder if it was my subconscious asking if I really was willing to compromise... that I was compromising and making myself be ok about that. It really scares me to wonder if that's what's happening right now. I've been trying to introspect on all this information my mind is mulling over and acknowledged that I really do long to be in a gay relationship again.

I've struggled with my sexual identity ever since I can remember. I do have memories of crushing on girls in elementary school. I did like other girls when I was a child. They felt safe and I could connect with them more easily. I've always felt I could simply be myself with a woman, whereas with men (even with Mark to this day), I always feel obligated to give up parts of myself. I had parts torn from me by men all my life, before I even understood what that meant. They always represented potential violence--emotionally, verbally, physically, and sexually. Even Mark hasn't been able to escape that fear in me.

I've always been attracted to women. Always. I hated myself for it, for years. I fought it, and now that I'm learning to embrace it, I'm so scared. Am I gay? Am I not? Am I bisexual? But every time I think I want to be with a man, I suddenly feel so tired, drained, and like I've lost who I truly am.

I'm going to be even more blatantly honest: One of the reasons I got with Mark was because I wanted the experience of being with a man in a healthy way. I just wanted to know what it felt like, to see if that's what I wanted. I couldn't remember what it was like and so I wanted to know again. Now that I know, well... now I wanna know what it's like to have a healthy relationship with a woman. Am I being terrible for wanting this? I honestly want to know. I'll have to explore that question in therapy.

I miss the genuine and safe love I can have with a woman. It's not like it is with a man. It's different, lovelier, purer--when done right. Mark truly loves me, but I feel like things have become more about his happiness than my own. Because his life has so many more dynamics than my own (his children, his exes, his siblings, his job, his hobbies), I feel like I'm slowly being drowned by all of it. I either let it consume me or if I resist, I'll rock the boat. Worse, I absolutely adore his children. I would never want to hurt them. I know that if I did ever decide to leave, at this point, it would break their hearts and cause stress for them. I honestly worry more about their precious emotions than I do Mark's.

But I guess that's the rub, right? Do I stay in a relationship, for the kids, that is causing my happiness to dwindle? What kind of lesson would that teach them if I stuck around as Mark's girlfriend and their potential step parent? "Your happiness is at the expense of others. It's worth living in guilt, emptiness, and regret if it means not hurting others' feelings." That's really how I'm starting to feel. I don't want to teach that lesson. They might come to resent me, and I know Mark would probably resent me even more.

I've been silent about all of this with Mark. I'm not ready to tell him anything about because I'm still understanding it myself. For all I know, I'm too hyped emotionally to know how I truly and reasonably feel about this entire thing. He and I have been spending less time together--that is another factor. We haven't been spending every week together because my weekends are busy with holidays and events. It's starting to die down now... but I'm wondering if I can even get off this ride now that I'm on it. It's in my mind so strongly, in ways that I can't ignore.

Another piece of truth: I acknowledge that I went into my relationship with Mark way too quickly. Like... a few days after I broke up with my last ex, I started dating Mark. I was over my past life and wanted something that felt normal. "Normal" = heterosexual relationship, I guess. How internally homophobic of me. I should've known better what I was doing to myself. I felt like Mark was more normal, more grounded than my exes. I was attracted to that balance, even though I can say I was heavily romanticizing Mark's life for months.

And honestly, he's got a lot of imbalances. He's bad with money, in constant debt with someone. He has anger issues, doesn't monitor how he expresses his anger around his children. The last time I spent the weekend with him, we passed an accident on the freeway. Everyone was fine but Mark saw that a child had been involved. He cussed super loudly and punched the roof of the car. He apologized to me but I honestly was more upset that he didn't even bother apologizing to his kids. I can take care of myself just fine.

I have enough imbalances to take care of within myself. I'm still becoming financially independent and wiser, myself. Would it be wise for me to settle with someone who also is struggling financially and builds his debts? Do I really want to be with someone who is so low monitoring that for the most part doesn't even want to acknowledge the effect he has on others unless they say something first? I don't want to feel like I'm fixing Mark, let alone monitor him for him. I'm not into that life. I'm done with that life lol.

Are seven months enough to have these kinds of definitive answers? I don't know. Am I actually just gay? I have no idea. I'm definitely not straight and I've known that since the beginning.

[sanmagic7]

hey, kdke,

sounds like a lot of rumbling going on inside.  wow - thanks for the honesty.  that's courageous. 

questioning ourselves can be difficult, but i truly believe it's important if we want to get to the truth of who we are, what we want, which direction to go.  i give you a lot of credit for what you're doing.  i have no doubt you'll find real answers because of it.

and, just saying, i don't think you're terrible for wanting to know these things.  if it isn't working out with mark, it just isn't working out.  he sounds like he has plenty on his plate.

i do feel bad that you've lost so many pieces of you to men, and that's shadowed your adult relationships with them.  feeling like you have to give up parts of you to stay in a relationship with anybody is not good for you.

best to you with all this, sweetie.  sending love and hugs.  i have no doubt you'll find your way.

[kdke]

I was able to talk to my therapist about my dreams and concerns. She noticed that I was really stuck on it and decided to help me piece together my dream. I wonder if she felt like I was taking it too literally, and I can admit now that perhaps I was. I was a bit defensive--not to her face but when thinking about it--but I got over it lol.

But Jesse, my therapist, helped me figure out the subconscious undertones of my dreams and put it in perspective. There was a feeling of hiding something and feeling nauseated about it being found out, or perhaps what I was hiding was making me feel uncomfortable. I thought about it for a while and a light switch went on about the fact that I hadn't really addressed some things that I'm still not ok with between me and Mark.

The thing is, I'm having to sit down with Mark again and kind of get a better understanding of his moral stance on some things. It was hard for me to come to this conclusion because I wasn't sure if I was overreacting or if this was one of those things I just had to compromise with. I'm really worried that Mark is ok with potentially exposing his children to his sexual behaviors. It seems to me that he is just looking for his own gratification and will pursue sex, even if it means risking having his children see that.

This was something that almost happened between him and me and it was very distressing for me. It's a long scenario stretching over a few weeks, but the two times he had tried to get me to do something sexual with him, I told him I wasn't comfortable with it. It would've been a different story if his children didn't share a room with him... but they do. The times he's tried with me, his children's bed are literally less than a few yards away from his own. They can sit up in the middle of the night and see everything that might happen in Mark's bed. I wasn't ok with that.

The first time Mark tried with me, I stopped it and then later told him I didn't want it to happen again. It brought up a very traumatic part of my past and I didn't feel right potentially exposing his children to that very adult, sexual behavior. Some time later, Mark tried to mess around with me almost the exact same way. I almost completely shut down and went into a freeze/fawn mode. It was terrifying for me; I started crying and all I could think was wondering if I was about to be raped. Luckily, Mark caught on that something wasn't right and he backed off without any retaliation. He was apologetic but again, he was really concerned only about himself. "I'm not upset," he told me, and it just rubbed me the wrong way. What does he truly have to be upset about in that situation? Nothing.

I stayed silent for months, until a couple of weekends ago, I finally talked to him at the urging of my therapist when I told her about my dreams. Mark listened and didn't get defensive. He told me that he clearly misunderstood what I had meant about not wanting to be sexual with him around the kids, but that I was ok with just messing around. I did my best to not get upset and just reiterated that no, I'm not ok with ANY sexual acts in front of the kids. I told him that the risk of them seeing us doing something together would mortify me, and that knowing it almost happened already was already messing with my head.

Everything seemed to be in the clear, but then later I realized the talk didn't seem quite right. Did he really imply that he was still ok with taking that risk, and that he only backed off simply because it wasn't ok with me? Did he not actually hear me when I said I was horrified with the idea of his children seeing something like that? What does that mean? What could that mean about me and Mark as a couple? Am I really ok with this?

Last Friday, I brought this up to my therapist again. Jesse encouraged me to have another talk with Mark as it was my right to have absolute clarity. She said, "You've shown that it's a very important moral for you to not expose children to those kinds of acts, and exposing children to sex indirectly, especially from a parent, is still abuse."

I agree with her; it's just been hard to kind of fully embrace that because so many parents around the world do take that risk. They will have sex in front of children (that they hope are sleeping but let's be honest: sometimes kids see things, and they won't say that they have. It's a painful reality) because, well... they want sex. However, I am very against this kind of scenario. I have no doubt that part of it is due to my own sexual trauma as a child. It's so dangerous; I don't believe that children can process adult sexuality from a healthy perspective. Things get distorted; their young minds don't know what to do with it. It messes with them and can have serious repercussions. It can be very difficult to counteract.

I've learned to not get into those kinds of arguments with parents who feel otherwise, but I do know one thing: I am allowed to have that boundary—and to have it as a dealbreaker. I honestly do not want to have a partner who is ok with that risk and is happy to take it. I'm scared to stand up for that, but I don't want to be scared about it. I want to compromise but I know I will always feel disturbed and unwell by compromising that. Many times in the past have I been asked to compromise my morals for others, and now I'm over it. Why do I always have to be the one to sacrifice? I'm ok with compromise when it is reasonable, but I don't feel like I must compromise my morals, within my own private life, for someone else's comfort. I work very hard to not do that to others, and now I simply want that same courtesy.

So I have a very hard conversation ahead of me between me and Mark. I do need him to clarify his stance on it and then allow myself the space to make a decision.

[sanmagic7]

best to you with this, sweetie.  i agree with your t, it's a form of sexual abuse.  i will go one step farther and say that if mark is not willing to see that - i'm assuming you'd tell him that your t labeled it as that - that there may be bigger issues involved. 

i stand by your perspective of not wanting to compromise on something like this.  i'm a firm believer that if something is important to one person in a relationship, it's important to the relationship, and therefore needs to be important to the other person.  i think you're showing a lot of strength and courage in having such a boundary, and you deserve to have it.

sending love and a hug filled with all the ooomph you need to have that talk together.  perhaps on the nites you both want sex, the kids could 'camp out' in the living room or something.  just a thought.  sometimes we have to get creative.

[Three Roses]

I also agree with your T. 

[kdke]

Weekend past and I'm halfway through this week. Things have been tough. I broke up with my boyfriend and I haven't spoken to him since last Friday.

I basically showed up to his place, sat down with him, and then about 20 minutes later, I left single. Mark seemed to be holding back and tried to remain cheery (he was trying to look on the bright side of things, I guess), but I was a terrible mess. It was one of hardest things I've had to do. We actually had a good conversation beforehand because I brought my concerns to the table. It was civilized, calm, and ultimately nothing negative happened other than me breaking up with him. We were on the same page about my biggest concern regarding his kids; he had nothing to object about and didn't get defensive. We just kept talking and I left feeling like we really benefited from just being honest. And I broke up with him, and I left feeling like I had made one of the biggest mistakes I've made all year.

I wanted to run back to him and tell him how stupid I was for doing that; I was scared and distraught about what I was losing. I resented myself, and I resented my therapist for encouraging me to do what seemed to had been unnecessary. I struggled all weekend and cried a lot.

But then I just sat in it and I realized something: it really was the better choice. I'm not going to take it back. Because whether he and I were on the same page and we communicated well, I didn't love Mark anymore. Not romantically. Not sexually. Do I love him platonically? He has to have become one of the most important people in my life. I don't want to lose him, but to stay with him as his girlfriend would've been very dishonest of me. I would've remained unhappy, and eventually resentful.

What I'm missing is his presence, the comfort of being at his place and knowing I'm safe, that it was an extension of my life and home. I could rely on that. And ultimately, while Mark has things to work on just like I do, I believe that I am safe with him. He's just an idiot sometimes who needs to get it together, who say stuff that he knows isn't OK but is too scared to confess it. I get it, and I hope he learns. I hope I learn, too.

He's an ex now and I want to keep it that way. It's time for me to move on from that chapter and hopefully, he and I can always remain friends. I hope he and I can have a very strong friendship, really. I told and reminded myself all weekend, "Just because two trails line up for a while doesn't mean they will forever." I think that's what happened between him and me. We lined up for a while, then I saw myself heading one way and he the other. I have to stay on my trail; I want to see where it goes, and I want to honor my journey.

I'm still processing these thoughts and emotions; I went to the store today and I felt sick with grief over it. I'm still so sad, but not crying much anymore. It's just a wound that's working on healing, still raw.

I had a good distraction, though, Monday night. I went to a local queer meetup and I didn't go alone. I made friends with the barista across the street from my campus (I'll call her Daisy) and she offered to support me since I was still very new to these kinds of events. So we went together, and I met some great people. A couple, and then a few others. I befriended another lady (Liz) there who seemed to have a lot in common with me. Liz was with her friend--whom I'm pretty sure was Liz's wingman for the night lol. Liz and I talked all through the night, just chatting and getting along. She invited me to a drag show Thursday night and I accepted. She drove me home and that was that. Super nice, nothing uncomfortable at all.

If she likes me, I will have to tell her no. I'm not ready for that, no matter what my feelings might be. I just thought about it, but who knows--I'm hoping that Liz simply wants to be friends and is just very excited to "integrate" me more into the queer community. That'd be awesome. We'll see. She's nice either way.

[sanmagic7]

 

[kdke]

I can't believe it's been since the end of December that I've written here. Too long, and too much to talk about.

I knew that I needed to take back my outlet for my thoughts and emotions after yesterday, though. It all felt like it had no where to go, which isn't a good thing. It needs to go somewhere and not just buried back down. Release is better.

So... I guess it all started with a durian flavored macaron. I wish I was kidding.

My girlfriend (Linda, and yes--I have a girlfriend now. She's fantastic) and I went to this local cafe and got some goodies before heading back to my place. She requested a coffee, muffin, and raspberry macaron. I decided to get myself a mango milk tea with boba, along with TWO chocolate chip muffins and TWO macarons, one for each of us. I decided to be curious and get myself a durian flavored macaron; I've heard so many strange opinions about it and have been wanting to try it somehow, so this was my closest chance. I bought one along with everything else and got going.

First thing I noticed was that her coffee wasn't the size I had hoped for; it was just a regular and not a large. Oh well. I didn't want to be a jerk so I left the cafe with a smile and apologized to Linda. She didn't mind one bit and once we got driving, I pulled out the durian macaron.

It smelled like putrid, sweet garbage--the stink that many Americans tend to complain about with durian. I told myself that perhaps the taste will be better and so I took a bite. It was disgusting, and I started moaning and groaning about yuck it was lol. I felt terribly, too, because I had bought it with Linda's money. What a waste... it ate at me a little.

I put it back in the bag and we parked next to my apartment building. I said, "I'll override the taste with a cupcake--WHICH are chocolate chip, by the way." I smiled and Linda scrunched her nose.

"No! You can't do that to a perfectly good muffin! Chocolate just overwhelms it. You gotta have it by itself or not at all."

My anxiety shot up along with my displeasure of the sugary, durian taste in my mouth. Crap, I screwed up three times in a row with this: the coffee, the macaron, and now the cupcakes? I felt so badly, even though Linda told me she was just giving me a hard time about the cupcakes. The durian taste wasn't leaving my body, but I tried to make jokes about it. "It's tainted my soul. I'm morally compromised!" I think a part of me was trying to also erase the pile of mistakes I had made in such a short amount of time.

I was upset and felt awful by the time we left the car and tried to head up. I went digging in my purse for a while, struggling to find my key card (can't get into the building OR my apartment without it), which added even more to my anxiety. I felt my inner critic loading up the gun, and my depression was coming to the surface. Linda noticed I wasn't ok; I knew I was slowly falling apart.

My inner critic was telling me that I couldn't even get the smallest of things right. There was something around every corner to remind me that I was still a mess, still a failure. Can't even get the right, stupid muffin or coffee size correct for my girlfriend.... blah blah blah.

Finally finding my key card, we headed up and I felt self-conscious; my apartment wasn't clean and I had stuff everywhere from moving things around to make more space for furniture. My apartment isn't really a home where I feel myself represented. More like... it's a holding place for my stuff. Just there, a clutter of possessions, attempting to be something. Anyway, it was especially cluttered, and that was another straw on the camel's back. If my depression and anxiety looked like a thing, it would be my apartment.

My older cat has been anxious with me rearranging stuff and overcoming a reaction to fleas (she has a flea allergy). She was so distressed yesterday that she went to the bathroom on the carpet, right in front of me and Linda. I about collapsed from mortification and stress, I couldn't believe that happened. It really broke me. I felt so badly for my cat's suffering and not knowing how I can make her feel better, then adding to the mess of my place in transition, to the clutter from my cPTSD, then everything else. I hid my face behind my hands, pressed up against the corner of a wall, and sobbed. I couldn't take it anymore!

Everything was just a finger pushing the same insecurity button for me and I folded. Linda was distressed for me and kept it together. She helped me to come back down, but I let her know how horrible I felt. Is this what she signed up for? It didn't feel fair when she was already stressed out with other things; I didn't want to override her feelings because I'm having a crap time over things that don't matter. I felt like a monster, a waste of time in that moment, completely ashamed of myself for having done that.

But she told me that she could tell it brought up some insecurities that were just sitting under the surface, but it wasn't anything to scare her off. "I wish you can see the wonderful woman that I see. It hurts me to see you suffering so much," she said to me, and other lovely things to try to calm me down.

I finally settled down a bit, just enough to stop crying. Linda started making funny, flirty comments, towards which I got frustrated by smiled at anyway because she's wonderful like that. I took a shower after a bit longer, came back out, and felt good enough to be present with her. We rolled around in bed together (good times!), then watched some Game of Thrones while my older cat kept trying to crawl all over Linda. Then she had to say goodnight, and then left for the night.

I still struggle a lot with worth and what that can look like. Does it always have to be proven in actions, or simply in being my best self? It's difficult because I hate disappointing people. I realize that a huge part of me still hopes for validation through the pleasure of others; when I do something that seems to disappoint, I feel worthless. I feel like a burden, no matter how insignificant my choice was. Does it really matter that I didn't get the right kind of muffin for Linda, with her money? That's money she can't get back, and she could've known better if she'd been present. She trusted me... but I guess it's nothing in comparison to other choices. It's just a muffin.

And that horrid durian macaron! I bought that with Linda's money, too. Such a waste of resources! I think that's what gets me. It's one thing if it's my own money; that's just my fault and next time, I'll know better. I must teach myself to prioritize these things so they don't break me down more than they should. And I need to trust Linda to understand that it's really not that big of deal, only that I will be wise enough to never buy a durian macaron or chocolate chip muffins for her again lol.

I worry if sometimes my efforts are just a carpet I've been sweeping my insecurities under; every time something triggers me like it did yesterday, I doubt my progress. Was it all a lie, or is this just a part of my journey? I can't tell, but I do try to remember one thing: the extent of my anxiety doesn't last as long as it used to. What happened yesterday, only really stuck around for a few hours and then I was fine again. I felt enough to have fun with Linda--genuine fun. In the past, I would've taken a whole day, or DAYS to recover. I didn't know how to cope back then, and now I do.

My therapist, Jesse, taught me how to have strong, internal dialogue with myself to stop anxieties from spiraling too far and too extremely. I guess it's been working; "logic" mind can be just as loud (sometimes louder) as "emotional" mind when reacting to stressors, and then finally come together to make the "wise" mind. I've established that skill, though I don't know if it's gotten stronger beyond a certain point. But it's there, and it helps.

So I got through. I'm still raw today and feel depressed, but I know I'll be all right. My brain tries to scramble a bit when I try to make a clear list of things I can do to make life a bit easier, but I have to find some way to do it. I just want to be happy, and I want to have a happy girlfriend. Yesterday was rough, but I am grateful that those days are stretching farther away from each other.

[Not Alone]

It is hard to trust your progress in the middle of the storm. That your anxiety didn't last as long and that those days of high anxiety are further apart sound like progress to me. (Personally, I don't think chocolate in anything is a mistake!  )

[kdke]

notalone, you're right and that is definitely something I work hard nowadays to remind myself of. It feels so painful and scary and hopeless in the moment, but it used to be so worse. I am getting better with time and effort~

Adding another stressor of my own doing into the mix: I'm now on financial aid suspension due to my own negligence. I avoided and tried to pretend it wasn't happening; my anxiety can be that way, and it got me hard. I typed up an appeal, though, and so hopefully the financial aid department will remove the suspension and give me my grants and loans back. I need them; I have four classes left and two prerequisites. Plus, I'll be starting a certification which will take two quarters.

Part of me isn't too worried; most colleges just want to see genuine remorse and a good plan of action in an appeal. The other part of me does worry, reasonably. That is most of my income right now, but I'm also working hard to apply to job a few times a day, to jobs that I'm willing and reasonably capable of doing. I did get an interview on Friday. It was for a receptionist position at a senior living center. I really hope I get it; I love working with the geriatric community, even with all its more difficult qualities (Alzheimer's and dementia). I love senior patients. They're a special bunch in this world.

Beyond that, nothing much. I did get a phone interview earlier last week but it didn't work out. I don't have a car right now and they required personal transportation. That's fine and it wasn't upsetting. A bummer I couldn't qualify, but it is what it is. I had another interview for a call center, but they required hours during a class I'll be taking for spring quarter. Not going to happen lol.

The receptionist job is very hopeful because I applied on Thursday, then they contacted me Friday morning for an interview, and even removed their listing on Indeed the same day. Maybe they're hoping to hire me or have a few of us they're sure they want, I'm not sure. It only means, either way, they liked what they saw. Crossing my fingers.

The interview was good but at one point, was a bit hard for me; since they required background checks and that could've very well involved a credit check (not worried about criminal checks; 100% clean), I decided to be honest with them. Last living situation left me in credit ruins, and I'm struggling to pay off debt. It happens, but I don't bring that mess into the work place. It's not a reflection of me as a person. I'm not financial dishonest, just financially struggling and needing a job to catch up. "I take great pride in being a secure and reliable employee, and here's how," I said, and talked about my experiences over winter when I handled patient payments at my college's dental clinic. Never lost a dollar, always made sure everything got processed correctly and on time. I'm responsible, I'm honest--my personal life stays away from my professional one.

Luckily, they listened and understood, and told me they won't be doing a credit check. They just want to make sure I'm a safe person for all the residents. Thankfully, I pride myself in that, too.

Part of me is scared they might use my honesty as reason to not hire me. I didn't know they wouldn't have cared, but geriatric patients can be vulnerable with money. I take that very seriously. Either way, it's one of those things I resolved to talk about; because if they DID do credit checks and saw my credit score, knowing why it exists could possibly mean the difference between giving me a chance and not even bothering to. And if they don't care, then what would it matter either way? At least I tried to make my case. I did my best.

Being poor and debt-ridden is rough, but I've allowed myself to learn things along the way. I could just let myself fall apart and never change, but I'm not. I assert who I am in interviews: "Yes, this debt exists, but I have ALWAYS proven myself to be financially honest in the workplace. Yes, I am a student, but I can work during this and that time and I can be more available after this many weeks. I am reliable, I can do great things, I can adapt and show compassion and respect." I'm learning how to assert my strengths and my vulnerabilities all at once. It's a strange and fascinating experience for me.

I still got such a long way to go, though. What does it mean about me that I'm still having these struggles that make living so hard? I need money to pay my rent and bills, to pay for food, for furniture; a part of me is still impulsive and uses money as an escape from stressors. I gotta get myself together and really figure out what will help me stop doing what I'm doing. I'm grateful I have people willing to help me on this journey. I'm stable enough to at least put some income into savings. I got that, and I haven't touched it. I'm getting a little better.

Beyond that, my Linda and I reached our first 90 days of our romance. It was lovely, but also sobering. We realized we've gone wild and crazy these past three months, entertaining each other and having fun. It's time to simmer down and start nesting, sercuring ourselves for the long-term. I agreed, and part of me was scared that I might've disappointed her. I can't really tell, of course, because I'm not psychic; she and I, though, have a strange ability to read each other very very well. We don't even have to be in the same room, the same city lol.

Some nights ago, Linda was feeling down because her cat was getting too sick to keep going; she knew he would have to be put down. She also lost a distant friend back in January, and it really kicked her hard. She felt raw, tired, and wanted to turn inward and away from the world. I told her that if she needed me, she was more than welcome to come to my place and I would be there for her. Linda said she'd go home and go to bed early. We said we loved each other and we hung up.

I immediately thought, she's going to come see me.

She called me fifteen minutes later, waiting for me to let her in the building. It's not the first time we've done that lol.

I'm so in love with this woman. I've never wanted someone so much, every single moment. We've given each other a level of vulnerability I've never had before, and never have experienced in such a wonderful way. Sometimes it's scary because I fear judgment; she always proves herself trustworthy and never leaves me feeling like a burden or bad choice. Other times, it's just freeing and feels like it should feel between partners. I can't imagine this life without her now. I want to make a nest with lovely things and put her right in the middle lol. I love her so much.

[kdke]

I've been going through some rough stuff and trying desperately to give myself patience and compassion.

Being in a relationship is very difficult for me; I always feel like I'm going to destroy it somehow, or will find myself with someone who'll dominate me and I won't know it until it's too late, until I'm too enmeshed. These fears are even worse when I'm with someone I deeply love and want, which I'll be honest... has never really happened before. Until now.

Linda is that person, at last. I've never loved someone so much to think, "I want to nest with this person and have them with me for as long as they'll have me." Every time I'm with her, I feel peace and a sense of completion. Here is my partner, the one I love and who loves me. Our love rivals one another's.

She is 12 years older than I am, and this comes with a generational gap. She is an older Gen Xer, while I'm an older Millenial. It shows in our likes, our dislikes, how we talk and what we tolerate. It doesn't cause any major disconnect or issue; if anything, sometimes it's very funny to witness. This gap also exposes our levels of interpersonal wisdom. Linda obviously has more, and she also has a very large social circle. I still struggle in these areas.

It's through this struggle that we've had some serious discussion because she knows that I have CPTSD and that sometimes dictates how I interact with others. She will get frustrated for me. I will want to have deep and meaningful conversations with others but then I upset them because my viewpoint may differ.  When this happens, I admit that I don't always know when to walk away. Most people I've talked with, when this scenario happens, will take up a lot of my energy by trying to guilt me and rob me of courtesies that I'm giving to them. A lot of them are just plain trolls, and even men who can't tolerate being challenged by women. Big babies.

Linda can see it happening and says, "I don't understand why you waste your time with these people. They don't want to have the kind of conversation you want. You need to find your people and leave the rest behind." She tells me that my conversations are meaningful and deep but only coming from my end in every situation I vent about.

It's like... my logical mind knows she's looking out for me and wants me to have better filters, but my inner critic just latches onto it and shapes her words into claims of inadequacy, e.g., "You're immature, this is stupid, this is petty. Why don't you know any better? Stop wasting my time talking about this. I don't care. You shouldn't care, either. What you think is important is wrong."

It's been a rough headspace and I don't think I'm strong enough to discuss any of it with Linda, not right now. I am aware it's my inner critic twisting things around; I have past experiences and traumas that still get a grip on me when I feel vulnerable, and I've been so vulnerable with Linda. She smiles and tells me that I need people who are willing to go deep with me, who want to talk about the big questions and break them apart--just like I do. So yes, she is trying to protect me and steer me towards a community that will only be beneficial. I think sometimes she just expresses her frustration during times when I feel really helpless and it hits me the wrong way. Her words and wisdom mean a lot to me and so that is a huge factor, too.

All of it added together scares me because the last thing I want to happen is for her to think I'm wasting her time. Like, "Here's this young woman, in her 30s, who's struggling and still getting her life together--why am I here? What benefit am I really getting from this?"

It's funny, though, when I finally write it out... because aren't we all figuring out no matter how old we are? Don't we all struggle at some point in our lives? Linda just lost a cat to kidney failure; she had to put him down and she's been grieving. Her job is also running her into the ground. All of it has been driving her nuts. She struggles and has bad days; I've seen them, I've felt them, I've wiped away tears and tried so hard to be gentle. I haven't given up on her. Most of it is circumstantial, but she's also had a difficult past. She struggles with trauma and how that's shaped her relationships of all kinds. I still don't feel it's enough to make me walk away. She's been nothing but lovely towards me.

I guess I have to keep that in perspective: she is 12 years older, and has time to work out more things than I have. She has acknowledged that with me directly, saying, "I think this is our age difference coming up again." She'll chuckle a bit while saying it. Linda never holds it against me, only recognizes it for what it is. I have more energy and am still discovering life, especially after being separated from it because of my trauma. I'm still very naive and can't always recognize when people are treating me badly, which is both a weakness and a strength in the right situations.

The latter reminds me: I got a weekend job as a receptionist at a senior living center. I'm so excited about it and really want to do well. I love working in geriatric settings and have an affinity for elders. My affinity grows for elders with Alzheimer's and dementia; I don't know what it is, but I have a lot of empathy and compassion for them. Something about the discomfort and awkwardness of simply being one's self but feeling out of control of the self is familiar for me. I don't react and point out when an elder tells me the same thing three times over in a five-minute period (or less!). I take it for what it is and just let it be. They're just trying to be who they are, in whatever capacity their brain will allow. I respect that.

So in that way, my naivete can be a strength because it allows me to take people at face value and give them te benefit of the doubt. Super helpful in the job I'm now working, though I know some elders need to have eye kept on them! I can do that, too. But my naivete, in other situations, makes me a target. Sadly, people take advantage, sometimes without even realizing they're doing it. They just have poor ways of coping with confrontation and will try to manipulate someone like me into feeling badly for opposing them. My naivete makes it hard for me to understand when it's wisest to walk away and leave it alone. I want people to be heard and acknowledged, things that were stolen from me by bullies of all kinds for decades. No one cared, no matter what I had to say and how I wanted to say it. Not in any meaningful way. I guess I project that loss onto people...

All of it combined has left me feeling silly and embarrassed. Why don't I know any better? I've been in this cycle before and I'm in my 30s now; why can't I tell the difference? Why do I bother? I just want to talk about things that I find fascinating or frustrating with people who can meet me in the middle and say things that are interesting, whether they agree or not. That's all I want.

[kdke]

A month goes by and so much has changed.

Jesse, my last therapist, had to leave the clinic and I no longer see her. I guess something is going within her family. It's not my business, though I hope whatever is happening, it all works out in the end.

I have a new therapist now. I'll call her Sam. She's different but I still connect pretty well with her. It was funny because the last couple of sessions with her, she wasn't sure why I needed therapy lol. But yesterday, we were talking about my anxiety surrounding my sense of self-worth, my abilities and such... she understood, then. She knew there's some deeper stuff that still hasn't been worked out just yet.

She talked about doing some more intentional journaling and inner child work with me, which was a relief to hear. I've been wanting to do inner child work in therapy for a long time but didn't know exactly where to start with it. This will be new for me, to at least have some guidance in that process.

Linda and I are doing very well. Still deeply in love, super into each other. I think we're just establishing that as a normal, which makes me very happy. I've never had that before. Though right now, Linda's work has been awful with her; overworking her, taking advantage. She loves the work and that's why she's waiting for things to resolve, but it's taking a serious toll on her own mental health. It breaks my heart. Her blood pressure is high, she's been getting stress headaches, and now she feels like she has to get back on Zoloft. I wish I can take it all away for her, but all I can do is let her know I'm here and love her.  I told her that and she said, "I know you're my lady, and that's why I said something."

Beyond that, I've been trying to navigate my new relationships with friends and family. I've started taking ballroom classes, though not the kind where you do the tango and Viennese waltz lol. This is ballroom culture and vogue classes, specifically femme vogue, and it's been such a great experience! I've only gone twice so far but I want it to be a part of my life forever if I can help it. The first time I went, I was so nervous and was a complete, awkward, and confused mess during the whole session. Trying to catwalk, runway walk, and do vogue dance moves when you've never done any of that before can be mortifying lol. But I made it through, and the second time I got even better. The main person who holds the classes is one of the sweetest people I've ever met, and he's taken me under his wing because he knows I'm feeling super insecure and unworthy to participate. I'm a bigger girl and so many of the dance techniques are very difficult or almost impossible for me without hurting myself (at least for now!) and I told him after my first night, "I know I'm out of my league but I'm having a lot of fun."

He (I'll call him Ronnie) just flipped a switch and said, "Girl, you are not out of your league! You can do this and I'm going to show you some videos of some big bodies vogueing the next time I see you. You just gotta practice and you'll see!" And he was right! The second session was so much better; I was super insecure about practicing in front of everyone else and I decided that I was going to push myself past that and just keep trying. Ronnie noticed and decided to work with me individually for a while, helping me with steps that I could do. Catwalking, hand and arm movements, runway walking—I could do those things just fine. We were doing catwalking and he was improvising with me; I was able to follow him and started to loosen up, get into it. Ronnie got super excited for me and cheered me on and gave me a hug lol. He said he could tell my body was getting into the dance and music, that I was finally feeling it. I was laughing out of joy and felt so good about myself.

In hindsight, I can see that maybe it's not even really about the dancing. Yeah, the kind of dancing is something I love to watch and want to learn to do myself. It's fun, fantastic, exciting, sexy, weird, passionate, super queer—just like my community. But I can understand that in those moments when I finally just started to let go and allow my body to do what it really wanted to do, I was expressing a lot of repressed passion and desire to simply be the best version of myself. The best version is passionate, it wants to be free and amazing, weird and hyper, intense and even incredibly seductive. It doesn't know how to do it so smoothly just yet but I am getting there. I'm learning!

Needless to say, that night and in that dance studio, I was feeling like I could be this idea of myself that I thought was always just an idea. But it isn't—it's me and I can be that if I just embrace that energy for once. It came out and wanted to be seen, to be felt, to be appreciated by ME. I really loved it.

Today is the day after that session and I'm sore lol. I need to start wearing different socks if I want to practice, because the socks I wear grip the studio floor too much. I ended up with a monster blister on my big toe. It doesn't hurt much today but I felt it last night. I got through it, anyway.

****

Beyond all of that, and on a different note, I lost a family friend. Not to death, but because she decided she didn't want to be there for me in a healthy way, so I blocked her out of my life. She and I have been butting heads for the past month and it finally came to an end when I tried to extend an olive branch to her. She is a hyper-conservative person whom I've realized doesn't know how to (or just doesn't want to) think beyond the perspectives she already has. Very defensive, very caught up in this idea that she's persecuted and victimized by people that someone like her actually victimize. It's projection at its finest when it comes to her.

I sent her an image of the straight ally flag because I figured she'd appreciate it; she felt very left out for a long time because she is straight and has this idea that she's not allowed to be special like she believes the LGBTQ+ community is. It's jealousy and ignorance on her part. She doesn't understand why LGBTQ+ pride expresses itself the way it does among queer people. She thinks it's out of wanting to be superior and she has a very intense attitude of, "I want it to, why not me?!" about it. Again, it's projection; SHE feels superior, and she wants it all for herself, and so she resents my community for having what she can't.

Anyway, I sent the flag to her and was like, "See? You have a place as an ally and check out this cool-looking flag."

She came back at me and said she will never be an ally to me, and that she doesn't believe I deserve the same rights as straight people. She told me that my sexuality is a perversion of what is natural because I sexually abused. She then proceeded to tell me that no, I'm actually straight because she knows my history (even though she barely knows anything about my history and all its obscure details) and that I CHOSE to be gay because I just want to be special and superior.

That and I chose to not to be a white person anymore... even though I've always been half indigenous and Iberian. Like... I'm technically not a white person at all. I was born a Mestiza, a white-passing person of color. I've may have struggled with that identity for a long time and called myself white, but that didn't erase the fact that I've always BEEN a Mestiza.

It just came down to her not wanting to accept that there was a lot of crap happening below the surface. I was repressed and therefore claimed I was things that I'm actually not. I said I was white because my father is white and racist, and my mother was a self-hating indigenous Mexican woman. She didn't want me to embrace that because she couldn't embrace herself. I took that on and no longer knew how to relate to my heritage; I just thought I was white and didn't belong. I grew up with those privileges but when we talk about my heritage, it's obvious that calling myself white isn't accurate.

The same with me calling myself straight/bisexual for so many years. She doesn't want to accept the fact that a repressed gay person will vehemently call themselves straight for years—decades, even. Their whole lives. Many queer people have died calling themselves straight all their lives, but that doesn't mean they were straight. They were just too afraid to say otherwise.

That was my life for decades, as well. I was too afraid, too repressed to say I was gay. I didn't know up from down and took a long time to finally come this point to have the strength to say—yeah, I'm gay. I'm gay and I'm ready to own that and love my real self now.

Instead, this friend tried to dictate to me that no, she knows my past and I made a choice to change my sexuality because of outlandish concepts that I can only describe as projection on her part. It made me angry that she would use my life, my experiences, and details she was completely ignorant of, against my own identity and all the hard work I've done to embrace my sense of self up to this point. I told her she had no prerogative to do that and who did she think she was. She knew nothing and my history wasn't for her to use as ammo against someone like me. Ever.

She had the audacity to start gaslighting me and ask me why I'm so angry, she loved me and she was so sorry that her opinions offended me so much. I was so mad that I could spit lol.

I kept telling her to stop, that she was crossing so many lines with me. I had some very good reasons for being angry and I wasn't going to be treated like I had none. She wouldn't stop and kept trying to guilt me for being defensive, for feeling at all. Again, just more projection on her part. "I'm not mad, but you are and how dare you be mad!" kind of BS.

She told me that she wasn't going to participate in my anger anymore. She called me "ragefilled" and then said, "Goodnight, sweet cheeks." I think if I wasn't so against violence at any level, I would've slapped her if she were right in front of me for patronizing me like that. But again, she gaslighted me again for getting angry at that, so I finally blocked her.

I was incredulous for a while and talked about it with Linda, my partner. She felt super badly that I went through it since she had gone through that kind of nonsense (and worse) for decades. But she brought up the reality that I should've walked away from this person a long time ago. And she was right; this is an issue that I've dealt with for quite some time. I don't know when to walk away from others, and I'll keep going back to settle something that can just lie and die. For my own sanity.

I spoke to my college counselor about it. She's also gay and she asked me, "Do you think that maybe, subconsciously, you wanted to fight with this friend? That you wanted to keep that conflict because you wanted to prove that she wasn't there to support you as a lesbian?" It didn't take me that long to admit that yes, that could've very well been part of the issue. I knew this friend was much to ambivalent about where she stood; some things she's said have always bothered me, and she was always very reactive and made claims that never made much sense. It bothered me a lot, and so yeah... I think I chased that conflict in order to finally come to the truth about where she actually stood.

The is that she is ignorant, prejudiced, has horrific reasoning skills, and makes so many fallacious arguments against communities she discriminates against that it can make a reasonable person's head spin off their shoulders. She will never come to another conclusion unless the people she follows tell her otherwise, and those people are even more delusional than she is. She's lost, and she likes it that way. She knows nothing else and wants nothing else.

I also had to accept that someone like that will never accept another perspective unless they actively make the effort to. Like anyone else, really, but for her, it has to be especially intentional.

After a few days, that whole final conflict started to really hurt. I became depressed that someone, who was supposed to be like family to me, would reject me and my desire to be equals with them. That they look at me as inferior and less deserving than herself. I felt seriously beat up.

It took me the rest of the week to finally get back on my feet about it, but I'm better now. I do feel anger when I think back on it, but I can hold it at a healthy distance. She will have to figure out what her conflict with me really means to her, and on her own time decide what that means for every other person who isn't straight. For me, it hit a visceral level of my own struggles with sense of self; it brought up a part of my inner critic that I wanted to just die and be gone. It brought up the past, where I was so enmeshed with my mother than I didn't know who I was without her. I felt fake, like an empty person just trying to fit in a world that I never could. I learned that it didn't have to be that way for me; who I was, was just waiting to be let out. So when someone tried to tear apart all my effort and deny who I truly know myself to be today, it hurt deeply.

[kdke]

Another month and so much has happened.

I'm sure I've said this before but I'll say it again: I've never been so busy in my life. I have so much going on, all at once, but it's not necessarily a bad thing. I'm accepting the fact that I sometimes learn things more slowly, and I'm slowly starting to understand how to balance everything out.

I've started my final quarter in college; just eight weeks from now, I'll have a degree and I don't know what will happen beyond that. That sounds ominous but it's true—I just don't know. Right now, I'm working about 34 hours hours, give and take, through two jobs. One job is 18 hours, the other is 16. It's going to help me with saving and paying off some debt, some of which has been paid off in full. Student loans haven't been touched yet, though. That's just something I'll have t figure out in the long run, I think.

Still doing the ballroom scene (not waltzing but vogue fem ballroom) and even got invited to be a house member. Very exciting, though it now means that if I want to stay a house member, vogue balls will now become a big part of my life. I enjoy this idea and will have to see how that looks after some more time. I'm finding myself creating a home in being a part of these social excursions, events I'm not used to but really like. It's like I'm building up this sense of social stamina I've never really had before. It's a good thing, though I can see where a part of me truly is more on the introverted side. I can only handle so much lol.

Studies are now part-time, but are online and I am taking four classes. Luckily, half of them are not assignment-heavy, though the other half are extensive.

I'm navigating some payments for my courses right now, as well. I'm having to wait extra long to resolve a transcript issue before I can get grant money. Until then, tuition is unpaid but hopefully, in the next couple of weeks, that will no longer be an issue. I'm just hoping financial aid will give me some grace to work it out.

I'll have to prepare myself to work an eight-day shift here soon to give one of my coworkers a four-day weekend. I was thinking of offering her this twice in the coming month; one 4-day weekend, every other week. Boom. Done. I have to do it that way since my schedule is so full now.

Linda and I are doing very well. I can't believe it's been half a year with her. I'm so thankful for her presence in my life; her love has been such a gift, and I'm always reminded of how lucky I am to have someone that is so thoughtful, wise, funny, and clever like she is. She makes me so happy, which has had its caveats. My cPTSD has been a bit triggered by this wonderful relationship; I've suffered a few anxiety dreams in which Linda either is very angry with me or completely abandons me. I've never really struggled with dreams like that before, with any past relationships. I know this is probably because I'm so deeply attached to her at this point. My brain has taken this and shows me these worst-case scenarios, causing me anxiety and heartbreak.

They're not real and Linda has never played on these fears, but cPTSD doesn't really care, I guess. It just says, "She will leave you. She'll find a way, she'll be angry. You don't deserve her. You're trash, she can do so much better. You're a waste of time. She'll soon start to see how parasitic you truly are." It's hard to not think these things now, even though every other part of me knows that's all BS. SHE chose me; Linda does think I'm worth her time and finds value in being with me. She tells me, all the time, how much she loves me and wants to be with me, how happy I make her. That should matter, and I need to remember that whenever my inner critic creeps in and tries to destroy reality.

I don't talk about these things with her very much. I have in the past, but have allowed that dust to settle since we both know that it doesn't reflect how our relationship is growing. The reality is that... Linda and I are going to be together for a long time, I think. She got me a promise ring—a Queen Victoria rupee that had been turned into a ring. Last weekend, I became so panicked and depressed because I thought I had lost it. Fortunately, it was in a makeup bag (that is a clear makeup bag that I had been using over and over before I found the ring in it lol) and now is safe and sound in a new jewelry box my supervisor's assistant handed down to me.

I'm not wearing it today but I'm glad to know where it is, along with my spoon ring decorated with violets, and my octopus ring. I also found a stainless steel ring with roses on it, a ring that belonged to me and then my mother started to wear it for a while. It's rusted over but I think I can recover it.

I'm in the process of my making my Linda a gift, something that has been in the making for many months now. Part of me is scared to execute it because... well, I'm not sure. I'm worried I won't be able to do it, or it won't be good enough. That it'll be silly and look stupid. I guess I can't know unless I try to see if I could ever be pleased by what I'm able to create. I want it to be a little grand, but obviously not so much that I'm spending a lot of money on it. I suppose that is one thing I'm so grateful to have now I'm with Linda—our creative natures understand one another. We know what we both can find precious and be able to appreciate.

I've been so shy about sharing a lot of my creativity with her, as I've ignored it on my own time, too. Just sketching here and there, rarely. Writing here and there. It's not really fair, as these two things make me happy and help me feel purposeful. That's how it's been for decades now. I can't remember many years (maybe the first ten years of my life) where I didn't spend so much valuable time either writing or sketching something lol. Time well spent, I think, considering all the trauma and stress I had to endure during my childhood. It was a healthy escape. It could've chosen worse, for sure. If only I had the right adults in my life, during that time, who understood that instead of trying to destroy my passions.

I guess I have to be the adult I never had, now. And now, I have people all around me that want me to be my most creative, happy self. My partner helped me to find ballroom, which is good for the side of me that is much too energetic and brazen for her lol. Nothing against her at all; she just can't match me when I'm in that mode and it tires her out! I have my best friend to thank when it comes to being another soul to sketch with. I grew up with her as we filled up sketchbooks with drawings. I am grateful for the countless online friends and strangers that made room for me to write with them for days and weeks, fostering my creativity and allowing my imagination to become vaster than I thought it could ever be.

I try to remember why these things are hard for me to hold on to. I know why: because of all the voices of past adults that tried so hard to scare it out of me, to make me feel guilty for wanting to spend my time on my writing and sketching. Well... in the ways that they didn't want me to. I can admit that I put my escapes above everything else, though I think every adult in my life didn't understand why that was happening. They didn't understand that my creativity was a tool for escape, and continuing to cause me shame and fear over it just made me want to escape even more. Add the fact that the adults in my life, at that point, were emotionally immature and abusive, it was a terrible cycle to be stuck in.

But I don't have to continue that cycle. I try hard to remind myself that I don't have to carry that horrible pattern, and hey, there are people who are super creative and that's their lives and look how well they're doing. I can do that, too. I just have to convince little kdke of that, as well. She still lives in a world where everything is scary, too much, ready to collapse, and full of hopelessness and shame and rejection. I know this, and now I have to really start communicating to that part of myself.

[sanmagic7]

sounds like you have some great insight, kdke.  that's a great step in recovery.  parenting our little frightened selves who still live within is important.  it seems like you are on the right track.

do you think those dreams are voices from the past that have lodged in your subconscious now that you are doing well on so many levels?  the ones that always tried to curb your creativity, sabotage your passion?  just thinking out loud.

i think you're doing really well with everything, and so glad you've got someone by your side.  sending love and hugs to you.