Motivation to keep going?

[woodsgnome]

This post resulted from another up/mostly down reaction to events of the last couple days that ended in serious flashback boomerangs and some pretty deep hurt in my life. The wonder is that I still wonder about this; then again sometimes feel like I'm only grasping at straws until it all hits again. I try and know I've progressed a tiny bit, but just as often retreat into my suit of armour that protects my fragile self from feeling so vulnerable, tired, and helpless.

What really motivates you to keep seeking answers? Or just a better way? Or whatever it is that's driven us to sharing on this forum. While our common outlook seems to derive from loss and grief, what's our true hope for the next part of our journey? Is it worth the pain? I'm not pain-avoidant, mind you, just...well, curious (hmm, there's one sign of life anyway!); but still in one of 'those moods'. I value any and all feedback about this. I know it gets discussed here off and on but I felt like getting some opinions from people I know I can trust. Thanks!

[Three Roses]

For me it's quite simple. If I don't keep going, if I don't keep trying to improve, they win. And that's not going to happen.

If, in the course of running this marathon, I can reach out and give a boost to a fellow participant, all the better. I've received my fair share of boosts from you all. WG, your posts are always so tenderly insightful. I wish I could say something to ease your burden.

Will you allow a fellow runner to give you a banana and a bottled water?

Your presence here makes a difference. Thanks for being you.

[LilyITV]

"Flashback boomerang"--that is such a good way of describing it. I had an experience with that too and was kind of bewildered by it. 

I tried a lot of self-help methods over the years and whenever I experienced the flashback boomerang, that was the point where I'd just give up. 

What keeps me going is the hope of a better life and that I'm finally fighting the root cause and not the symptoms this time.  There are things I want to accomplish and experience in life and i feel I've been held back.   I am hoping the awful feelings that come after what should be victories is just a sign that the emotional wounds are healing.  Another part is just a stubbornness and righteous anger at having been cut off from my true self.

[Blueberry]

For a long time it was my Fur Babies when all else failed. They needed me to keep going. Therapy helps me keep going too. For a long time I also believed that I 'had to' keep going. A duty. Feeling that was useful at the time probably.

I now know that when I don't have motivation or even start questioning the purpose of motivation, then I'm in an EF. So try and move out of it in coming days.

Sharing on the forum? My mood lifts when I come on here. I usually gain some sort of realisation. I generally feel understood. I feel compelled to share what I know in order to help other, though I need to watch that too.

I appreciate your presence here on the forum, woodsgnome 

[Rainagain]

That is such a good question WG.

I wonder this myself, but not sure what the answer is.

My personality is apparently empathic, ebullient and sensitive.

Maybe the ebullience helps me along?

Bringing up my children was a drive but they are grown.

I like to find out things, I  am still interested in the world even though not really part of it.

I can take pleasure in nature, I like my dogs.

It doesn't sound enough, but it sort of is.

Defiance is part of it, I am stubborn, very.

The more trauma the more stubborn I get.

I had a quite horrible experience from a not very close friend recently, as I am so isolated it was significant. It took me a while to understand what happened. My residual emotion about what happened is not guilt, shame or fear, its more like resignation, anger and defiance.

Come on life, is that all you've got?

[sanmagic7]

i know it's different for everyone.  for me, there's something about my spirit that hasn't allowed me to quit, even at the most dreadfully bottomed-out times, those times when i truly believed the pain and bewilderment was too much to bear.  there were several of those, and i truly didn't think i was going to make it.

something kept me from going down that short trip to nothingness, tho,  which i really can't explain.  i think it may have somehow been linked to not wanting to be that victimized person who couldn't make it, who was beaten by betrayal.  i don't know for sure. 

i do know that at my lowest, already content to give up and go away, something snatched me back at the last minute, and wouldn't allow me to fall all the way.  then i found this place and it all got easier, less confusing, more light to see the way thru the tunnel. 

worth it?  absolutely.  i feel better both physically and emotionally than i have in more than 20 years, and my d is in my life in a way i didn't think possible.  i feel restored, refreshed, and able to live now that is more than simply surviving.

dear wg, i hope you find what you need to move you thru these doldrums that enfold you every so often.  you have a unique perspective that is rich and full in kindness and caring.  i hope you keep taking care of you.  love and hugs to you, sweetie.

[radical]

I value that you/we keep on.
I'd like all the kind and gentle people to stop taking on the shame and anguish that never belonged to them.

You/us we are the true beautiful people.  Not because we are perfect but because our hearts are still intact and ache.


Sending love WG

[woodsgnome]

A heartfelt thanks to all who responded on this topic. I'm still in a major mood jungle, but not to worry--that's my normal. I'm just very disappointed in myself, that I can only feel alright in short spurts and stops, but maybe I can be grateful I have even that much.

I really do think I've progressed, especially in the 3 years I've been interacting with my current therapist. Thing is, she's the only 'live' person I see where anything makes sense as far as communicating goes (which doesn't mean it's always cozy and comfortable, but substantial work). That's really great, but I also fear what might happen if and when I may no longer have that option.

The other thing I have going is this forum. At times of course it can be overwhelming with the awful twists and challenges so many of us have faced, come through, and/or still live with and are haunted by. So often there are no answers, only replays of why me, why is this still so intrusive in everything.

I guess for motivation all I feel like doing is giving up, but don't read that wrong. I just mean that instead of getting my hopes sky high, as I frequently have, I'll slow down and shrink the expectations, do the old pinch-me-I-must-be-living trick, and see what becomes of it. Lord knows I've tried, and tried, and...

It's kind of funny. Because I'm so isolated, I do most of this self-work alone, except for every couple weeks with the T. But last spring I was able to attend a very brief "healing memories" workshop. It was okay but the closing exercise was most apropos to where I'm at. We were asked to create a free-form clay sculpture that would represent where we thought we were at workshop's end. My 'masterpiece' turned out to be a hand-sized clay question mark.

I think that's a fair assessment of where I find myself now--trying to develop enough wherewithal to just 'live the questions' instead of fight them off. They aren't going away, but maybe I can find some way to live with them into the peace of mind which is all I care about.

Thanks again--this is a valuable forum for the depth of character and expressive nature so many here share so lovingly.