Does anyone else feel grief when made/making progress with CPTSD?

[brightlight]

I have moved forward quite a bit compared to how things have been for me in the past. I used to struggle to get out of the house and found the whole world overwhelming and struggled to speak to even say 'thank you' to the cashier in the supermarket.

I can have conversations with people now and like being around people although I still find too much of this overwhelming. I started part time work a few years back and although this has been tough , I think there is some light at the end of the tunnel now. I'm working on joining groups and going out for walks with a long time friend. I still feel quite isolated. I see my face when I was 9 popping up in my head and feel mortified/upset/depressed if my younger self knew what my life was to become.

I feel grief for how things were for me ten years ago. I keep thinking if only I could do then some of the things I can do now, like leave the house, speaking to people, being able to work. I appreciate I can do these things now but I still feel grief. It's what we all should be able to take for granted. Does anyone else grieve for their previous life after making progress? 

[woodsgnome]

I have a hard time confining my grieving without slipping into regrets and/or self-blame and anger about what I didn't do.

So yes, I carry lots of grief there, and while that's natural, the burden of self-blame on top of the grief is problematic. All I can do is accept that I wasn't at fault in the dire situations I recall, both as a youth and throughout a huge chunk of adulthood. I can always invent fault about myself concerning alternatives I could have found, but which at the time were too impractical or risky.

In the end, I've survived; that's all that really matters to me, now.

[Kizzie]

Yes, definitely brightlight.   I'm so glad to hear you are making progress     but I understand what you're saying.

I too have made progress and have been surprised at the grief, sadness and a degree of anger. In my case it wasn't for what had been but all that could have been if I had not been gifted with CPTSD.

I have heard myself saying I should be grateful and happy, but the pain and loss is just hard to accept. So lately I've been working on just letting myself feel all that and not "should" myself.

Hope this helps.

[Blueberry]

I have a hard time confining my grieving without slipping into regrets and/or self-blame and anger about what I didn't do.

Me too. Also about the concrete steps towards healing that I'm not taking now. 'I should be doing more for my healing' says some ICr.

[brightlight]

 

Yes, definitely brightlight.   I'm so glad to hear you are making progress     but I understand what you're saying.

I too have made progress and have been surprised at the grief, sadness and a degree of anger. In my case it wasn't for what had been but all that could have been if I had not been gifted with CPTSD.

I can relate entirely. I think for me since having the CPTSD diagnosis and reading about what causes it and how if manifests itself - your brain not caring whether your happy but keeping you safe, this really helps me. I still feel angry for what could have been as a lot of forms of abuse I suffered from were purposefully hidden and I did try to get help but was prevented from accessing services and also not listened to.

I have a hard time confining my grieving without slipping into regrets and/or self-blame and anger about what I didn't do.

I suppose it's easy to blame ourselves when we are not the ones to blame. It's what others did to us and what they didn't do i.e love and protect us. I still think although it used to be more intense if only I am how I am now (being able to express what the problems were) and making someone help me such as social services.

[LKC]

I can so relate to this! You are not alone. I have struggled with grief in many ways surrounding my CPTSD and healing journey. As much as I want healing, I am also terrified of it. I sometimes wish I could use old ways of coping (eating disorder, self-harm, etc) too because I think I grieve having those things to cope... even if they were actually really hurting me. So many things to grieve  throughout this process.

[johnram]

It is very hard, i get angry at this often
i often wish my life had been simpler, i wish i hadnt have been robbed of of my childhood, time and opportunity.  I wish i could have seen my real potential (its stirring me as i type it)

however, and i am only recently learning this, this is my life now, and the more i stay in that angry and regretful stance, the more i slow my future down, and i dont want my only lifes achievement to be that i turned around my trauma, i want to have lived more than that

so that goal helps me somewhat

but also, i think in context i look at how most people live their lives, in ignorance and as their parents set out for them, and with all due respect, often sheep like and feel through my battles i have learnt more about life and myself through it

not sure if that makes sense but i hope you can find some forgiveness and find a path forward, as hard as that is

i wish you well

[Ecowarrior888]

I definitely do. Like when o was able to watch 2 episodes of a show back to back by myself at home with my cat. I sobbed when I told my husband how amazing it felt. And it was so weird because that's where I felt hurt again.
Like man, this is supposed to be normal. Being able to watch Netflix to pass the time. Instead of watching the ceiling, hiding under a blanket for hours at a time ☹