To: Lady S (Eating Disorder support lady)

[Sceal]

To S,

In our last meeting you were giving me suggestions on what things I could add to my breakfast to make me feel fuller for a longer period. You gave me a few suggestions that I said no to, after which a point you told me in a direct, but also rather harsh tone, that if I kept saying no, then you wouldn't want to try and come up with more suggestions.

I do recognize that it can be frustrating and difficult when someone is shooting down almost all of your suggestions, and I am sorry to be the source of your frustration. However, I also do come to you because I do have a problem with food. It does appear to me that you believe my problem is mainly over-eating, perhaps that is because I look a certain way and because I talk more about my frustration about feeling that I eat too much more than talking about being afraid of eating.  I have said before that my diagnosis isn't "binge-eating disorder", it is "mixed eating disorder", and I do need you to recognize that in order for us to work together.  However, I am digressing off topic slightly.

I know, as you do, that eating disorder is often develloped as a symptom or a coping mechanism for other underlying problems that are harder to deal with, or perhaps as a result of not having enough healthy coping mechanisms to deal with difficult situations, feelings and/or thoughts. And I'm not an exception to this. One of my many struggles are conflicts, and right now I do feel we have one. And I'm not quite sure how to go about it. As a result of your frustration I now don't feel like I can say no to you anymore, even if I disagree with you, and that, I suspect will be counter-intuitive to progress to my health and recovery. I am aware that it is a silly response, that I should be allowed to say when I disagree or when a suggestion doesn't work for me in my life without it escalating to a conflict or being problem for someone else. But there hasn't been alot of room for that in my life, and thus it's become an automatic responce for me to just accept that everyone else is always right and I'm always wrong.

....

I can't finish this. I'm feeling awful and disgusting and just.. No.

[Libby183]

You are not awful and disgusting. That is absolutely not true.

I don't know, but it sounds as if your therapist is just looking at your eating disorder in isolation. I think that I have always been fearful of food, but it is a just a part of a much bigger picture. Is your therapist aware of this bigger picture?

I really feel for you. It's so hard for us to trust and it feels like your therapist needs to understand a bit more about cptsd and to work at gaining your trust.

I'm rooting for you.

Libby.

[Blueberry]

Sceal, you're brave to be having these thoughts about your therapy with Lady S and to write them down as well. In my experience it can be really difficult to address a problem when you notice that a T isn't seeing the bigger picture.

I see by your final sentence that you wanted to write more but I think what you have written explains a lot.

You are not awful and disgusting! You are well within your rights to disagree with a T. The therapy is for your benefit after all, not the T's.

[Sceal]

She's not a therapist, she's just a nurse without a therapist training. She has self-experience with eating disorder. Which can be both a plus and a minus, I am not sure she realizes that although the illness is similar, mine is not the same as hers.

My psychologist and I don't talk about food much, only occationally. When it gets too much for me, but she lets the eating disorder centre and my GP handle that bit, simply because we don't have time for it all. And I'm okay with that.

To Libby,
I think I tried to trust her off the bat. Just to push my recovery quicker. And now when this is happening I can't seem to trust her at all. You're right, trust takes time to build up. And I forgot that, now it's hurting me. And I don't know what to do about it.

To Blueberry,
I'm on the fence on wether I should "give her a second chance" by trying to talk/write to her about this. Ask her superior to give me a new contact person or just cancel my appointment and not make a new one.
I'm not sure which of these will help me the most or hurt me the most long term.
My contact at the sexual assault support centre said I should try and not think about it for a while, and then decide once it's been behind me for a bit. But I can't seem to stop thinking about it.

[Sceal]

Starting over.


To Lady S,

I need to take a moment and write to you about our last meeting. Because our last meeting has had a negative effect on me to a large degree.

It was quite obvious to me that I made you frustrated during our last session, I am sorry that I was the cause of your frustration for repeatedly saying no to your suggestions when you were trying to help me. I wasn't disagreeing with you out of spite or to make it difficult for you.
Your reaction however has triggered my PTSD and PF. I feel uncertain and unsafe in regards to wether I am allowed to disagree with you, and I feel this is going to be destructive for me in my healing process. I don't want to put you on the spot, but if there's a chance that we could resolve this I think it could be beneficial for us both.
It would be helpful to me if when you might get frustrated with me again that you don't voice it in harsh or loud tones, but try to ask me why. To give me a chance to explain. It would also be helpful to me that you don't tell me what I should do, part of my trauma resolves around my choices having been taken away from me.
It would also be helpful to me if I don't have to explain or delve into why if I have a very emotional reaction, I would apprechiate you asking me about it once, but if I say I don't want to go into it, then it would be good if you could simply acknowledge that and change the subject or move on.

[Blueberry]

I read this a couple of days ago and I didn't know what to write, though it moved me and I was also thinking I could just have said so, right? And sent  So here's me doing it now.

for saying what you need Lady S not to do! e.g. not voice her frustration in loud or harsh tones. And what you need her to do e.g. try and ask Why?

for setting boundaries - if you say you don't want to go into a topic, then she ought to must accept that. The fact that she isn't even a T far less a trauma-informed one makes accepting your boundary here even more imperative imo. Though how often have I been damaged in the past because a supposedly trauma-informed T decided to push through my boundary thinking that was necessary to my healing. You go, girl! Your boundaries are important, sacrosanct even!

[Sceal]

  thank you, in truth.. after a while I felt proud of myself for sending the email. For writing it, daring to send it, and for allowing myself to attempt to set the boundary with her.

Her response was very kind and affirming. She doesn't recognize what my experience of her was, but she thanks me for letting her know and for standing up for myself and for telling her how I want things. She also reminds me I can tell her anytime if I disagree she can handle it.

I haven't replied her email though. And when o think about it I do feel like I acted as a spoiled child not getting her way. I know it's not true, but it's how I feel. And that I am still in the wrong. It sucks. So I try to focus more on the part of me that is proud I sent the email.