Took the first step in fixing my money issues. Almost posted in Setbacks forum.

[LilyITV]

I have major problems with overspending.  I make a good income but no matter how good of a financial position I'm in, I typically find a way to get myself mired in debt.  It's a neverending cycle of  spending, finding a way to get rid of it, then building the debt  back up again.  Everything associated with budgeting is something I actively avoid.   

I also have huge problems with trust and asking for help when I need it.  My husband is a financial wizard and would have loved to have supported me....but it was very difficult to bring myself to ask him for help.  I hate how I feel when I get help. 

Anyway, I finally bit the bullet and asked for help in budgeting.  He was very supportive.  He asked me to write down all my monthly bills.  It was a terrifying, shame-filled process for me, but with his help, I managed.  Turns out even though I have tons of debt, I still have enough to meet my needs if I am careful with my money.  What's better is that I expect that some big bills will be drop off when my youngest child is no longer in daycare and I also expect to get a large settlement in a year or so connected to a shoulder injury I suffered.  The best of all is that husband is here to support me and wants to stand by me and help where he can.  He hasn't criticized or belittled me.  He's been nothing but a pillar of support for me.

This should be a huge victory for me.  I should be feeling quite empowered and supported.  But instead I feel small, powerless and ashamed and the feelings are overwhelming.  Especially shame and powerlessness.  I felt so ashamed, I avoided my husband all weekend and he was very hurt by it.   I also feel incredibly powerless when I think of the holidays coming up and not having the money to do the things I want.

I was all set to come on here and post all of this in the Setbacks section but then I realized that I am probably in the throws of the mother of all emotional flashbacks.  I am fighting it and as part of that fight, I decided to post this in the Successes Forum instead. 

I am trying to learn from this flashback and trying to understand its origin.  I know that this comes from my father, who was harshly critical of me in my childhood and tended to punish even the smallest infractions with physical discipline.  I did not feel safe coming to him when I made a mistakes.  I didn't get encouragement in helping overcome a problem.  Instead, I learned to keep my problems to myself and handle them on my own.  The issues over money...I'm not sure but it seems like a form of dissociation??  Spending makes me feel good and in control.  Budgeting is something that reminds me of being controlled.  Of not having the power to speak up for what I want. 

The biggest thing I think I am fighting in this flashback is the feeling of being powerless to change my situation.  With the holidays coming up and my daughter's birthday coming up, I look at the budget and I feel like a failure and that I'm letting my children down.  But thinking it through, I'm trying to remind myself that 1) my husband is an equal partner in this and wants to help; 2) there are ways I can either save or work extra to earn the money for Christmas presents and a party for my daughter. 

Sorry if this post was a rambling mess!

[Blueberry]

May I offer you  or even ? I don't want to overwhelm you.

This sounds like tons of progress. Not just the biggie of taking steps to fix money issues, but also recognising you're in a big EF and posting this in the Success/Progress forum too!

I have huge problems with budgeting too and it's still a subject I can't look at very well.