Still Struggling

[Phoebes]

I find myself thinking often, "if it weren't for my nephews..."

In university, I remember starting my therapy journey and feeling the need to go to the campus clinic for help. That felt weird. My next attempt at T was in my early 20's, and I remember saying I had this deep feeling that my life would end with S one day, but I didn't know why I felt that way. I then went into the long list of why I am grateful and feel lucky in this like (I still have that list in my head. It is genuine). And yet, I still and have always felt I am one step away from that level of despair.

I've seen many well-meaning T's, none of whom have understand covert N abuse, and it has taken a toll. I still would like T but have not been able to find one in my area knowledgable enough about it. Plus I barely scrape by. How does one handle $125/hr? I feel like I need T every day. If I had it once a month it would make things very very tight.

I now realize WHY I have felt this. I have healed quite a bit and understand myself a lot better than I did then. I feel more worthy of feelings, worthy of being myself. But yet, my difficulties in relationships, feelings of failure, and desire to be alone get me back there sometimes. I don't know why the ONLY ones I feel would be devastated are my nephews. Probably others would, but I feel like if that's so then why have they supported the N's over me throughout life. Life always goes on as if that traumatic thing never happened.

[Boy22]

Hey Phoebes,

For me my thoughts of S were and always are about an escape from the unacknowledged pain. I am finally making progress in addressing that pain.

[Phoebes]

Thanks, Boy,

Yeah..I feel I'm making progress as well..until I have those phases where I go backwards.. I think I have grief fatigue. I'm so tired of facing feelings-there's too many.

[Blueberry]

Phoebes, I totally get that. All of it.

I think with cptsd most if not all of us go backwards in healing. Two steps forward, one back. Or three back. And then lurch forward again. It's tiring, infuriating, at times very dispiriting but it just seems to be the way of it. 

Tired of facing feelings (or memories or work-on-self...)? Sounds like time for a little self-care doing whatever is good for you, whatever makes you feel good.

[Phoebes]

I was planning some back to back travel, but I think I'll spend my off days doing art and looking for a job that doesn't suck the life out of me for no pay. TG with friends?

Thank you..I look forward to art!