I feel stuck

[PeTe]

I had a hard time deciding where to post this, but dissociation is quite prominent for the time, so here goes.

I've been very gradually getting back to work after being sick from a bad boss reviving my problems. Most people have been very warm and treating me with respect after I got back. However, I had a difficult assignment that I got unreasonable criticism for from all decision-making levels (yes, you can question my grasp on reality, but it was too complex for some and I was not allowed to prepare the highest level of decision, which sent them into the trenches). Suddenly people were attacking me, questioning the quality of my work and showing a lack of trust. It felt mildly troublesome, but I kept on going, despite the extra rounds were pretty meaningless. My department leader started avoiding saying hi to me, and continued like that for a couple of months. Things changed when I got a new boss a bit over a month ago. He said the job I'd done in the first hand was good, and didn't understand why thing shad become so troublesome. He talked to the department leader, a colleague who was criticizing me and some others. Things changed, the department leader started saying hi, my colleague treats me with more respect and indirectly apologized for her behaviour. My boss has continued to give me good feedback on every task I do, partly deciding against my colleague's wishes. He even didn't care when I overslept for a seminar for the whole department.

So I've started feeling safe again. Then, increasingly it felt like things were going well at work, but not during my free time. I procrastinated, played games and watched series, and felt bad about myself. In effect, I was doing what I did in my youth, when I was bullied. I tried to escape painful feelings of being hurt, alone and vulnerable, and the general sense of not being worth anything (coming from others behaving badly towards me). So the same is happening now, I often try to actively dissociate feelings. It really makes me feel bad, also because this doing something all the time comes with a feeling I should be doing something useful (to be worth something, for my life to have meaning). And not being able to work much, and wasting my time the rest of the day, I don't feel I'm doing something useful. So I say to myself that I've failed, that I'm failing and that I will fail again, and therefore have no future.

Now I'm fighting to be strong enough to feel the underlying feelings, so I don't reel off painting such a bleak picture of my existence. I try to feel how hurt I've been, and to say to myself that my reactions to what happened are perfectly normal and alright. I try to not go too much into anger (which I think is a secondary feeling, but still ok to feel), because I start thinking of revenge or justification or something, and by conjuring up images of that, I create a more dangerous world for me, which stresses me out and makes me feel worse. I fight to be more open, to show more feelings and trust more in people. I fight to think that people are not out to get me (though it's hard to trust people in general, and especially those that have behaved badly) and I fight to convince myself that others don't just see me as my problems and shortcomings.

I fight to be able to do things that are good for me, like strolling, exercizing, dancing, socializing, read a book, do chores that need to be done - but not least to just sit down and check in with myself. How am I doing, what am I feeling, am I being kind to myself?

[LilyITV]

Keep on fighting PeTe.  It's so sad how many bullies there are in the workplace.  Having a bad boss is a particularly helpless feeling.  Also, there are so many others who are more than happy to gang up on other people like sheep.  I'm so glad you seem to have come out on top in your case.   

[Three Roses]

I'm so glad you seem to have come out on top in your case.   

 

[PeTe]

Thanks to both of you! I guess I wouldn't say I'm on top, but I'm doing better  I'm only working 30 %, however.

Yesterday I learnt that they will bring my old boss that made me sick to lead our department temporarily from New Year's for a few months. They gave me a choice to go to another department and get new tasks (temporarily or long-term). I think it's way too early to work under my old boss again. Learning a new job when working 30 % is also not easy (though I might work more than that from New Year's).

Their main reason for bringing in my old boss, was that nobody in the organization will speculate that he's anything but temporary, meaning people trust the process. The other reason was that another internal, temporary boss might get mad if I they don't get the job afterwards. In essence, they say a tidy hiring process is more important than a tidy process towards me. They told me this on Friday, a couple of hours before the end of the work-day, and they're going to announce him Monday morning. So I'm kinda sidelined. It doesn't feel like a big crisis, but it doesn't feel good either.

My third option is to fight this. I think I have good cards, with the laws in our country, strong unions and social services who probably don't want to pay allowances to me any longer than they have to. In the end, my employer could be instructed to find another solution. No need to mention this would probably prove hugely unpopular with the leadership. Big issue, that I have to discuss with my therapist.

A good thing is that I have options now, so I don't feel stuck and hopeless and completely overrun. Unfortunately, I'm not sure my later options are good, no matter what I choose.