pippapops journal

[pippapop]

I had an appointment  with my T today, for me not my daughter. As usual half the session was discussing her, our cptsd is so tangled. I normally go in with questions from my reading on cptsd, today was no different. It was can I get started now? Ive read that the stages for healing from cptsd are safety, then stabilisation, next working the trauma via cbt or similar. I have to say my experience with cbt was not good, so I had been dreading that starting. How do you focus on one traumatic event when there are hundreds, all linked in? It sent me on a tail spin with a previous therapist. My current one just looked at me and said you have started! I wads suprised. She doesnt think that for very complex trauma cbt is appropriate, thank goodness! Apparently all my quiet reflection, and slowly working out why my panic attacks trigger, or my need to stand with a wall behind me for protection etc etc is healing! wow. I thought maybe all my researching, reading on cptsd, tauma etc may have been another way to punish and wallow in self pity. (helpful accusations from my previous T). Now I feel like I can see a path forward, for both my daughter and I. Sort through the tangle of feelings so I can understand my mind and body. The link or association to smells, places music etc will always be there as its now wired but with understanding it can be managed or controlled. what a relief. Im starting to get better at linking my daughters and my emotional etc responces back to what happened in the past. The more I unravel, the easier it seems to be. Not saying I have it solved, I have a long, long way to go. Gee I still feel no anger to the perpetrator. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

[Kizzie]

Pippapop - I can't believe your previous T said you were punitive and wallowing in self pity!   Grrrrrrrrrrrr!   

How wonderful for you to hear from your new T that you are on the road to recovery though, I hope you are revelling in that, you should 

to you and your daughter

[schrödinger's cat]

Your previous therapist sounds like jerk. That must have been a VERY unsettling thing to hear. Brrrrr. Glad to hear that the therapist you have now shows more common sense.

[pippapop]

Thanks both for the comments, a bad T can certainly cause  heart ache. It can follow you too, my current T knows that paying for both my, and my daughters sessions is really hard. She found a T for me who bulk bills which means she gets a subsidy to see clients but I was too scared to change.

On the positive ive been reading lots of posts on here and reflecting on what people have said and how it might relate to me. Something that really struck a chord is there is no need to rush- slow down! I fill my days, easy to do as a working single mum but any 'down time' I automatically fill with errands or jobs that could wait. A good way of trying to feel like ive achieved something and avoid thinking. Ive deliberately slowed down. Im trying to walk just a bit slower too, rather than racing about. A small thing maybe but I do feel a bit more relaxed. Im still home from work recuperating from pnemonia so im making use of the time to do 'nothing'.

Im hoping my calm state will transfer to my D, shes actually had two nights this week without sobbing with the night triggers and anxiety which is good. Although we've worked out that the tears are her starting to heal, triggered by body memories at sunset the tears every night are tiring and hard on both of us. Hopefully if she calms a bit more we will both get to catch up on some much needed sleep.

In my session my T and I worked out that althought my parents loved me and did their best in some ways it was emotionally neglected. They would be horrified. In other ways they were, and are there for me but not really on an emotional level. It explaines some of my more recent choices. It also explains why they dont seem able to support myD or myself now when weve been so alone battling both our demons. I dont think they actually know how, from their upbringings. I now have a chance to change the pattern, especially  as my D is doing so much regression while she catches up on developmental stages it wasnt safe to do at the normal time due to her abusive father.

[Kizzie]

Hi Pippapop - First of all, I'm so sorry to hear you have pneumonia and I hope you feel a lot better soon   

Baby steps, slowing down - so hard for many of us!   We have one member -- Rain -- who often says in her posts to members, "Breathe, just breathe" and that has stuck with me.  Sounds simple, but not easy to do when you have CPTSD.  It's a small thing but it does make a big difference as you say.

I was quite heartened to read that you know your D has to catch up developmentally and that you are supporting her to do just that.  So many of us here didn't have that, part of us got stuck in childhood but your D has every chance of becoming unstuck and moving on because of you.  It gives me hope for all those young Pippapops and Kizzies out there, that people and professionals know more now about how CPTSD develops and how to help children to recover.   

for both of you! 

[pippapop]

Another week, another loop on the roller coaster. If its not me its my daughter. My mum called me the other night and just dropped into the conversation how shes been talking to her co-workers at the hospital(shes in admin) and some of them have childhood trauma and each of them said psychologists are no good, and psychiatrists dont help either. I think they have different names in the USA. I got really angry. I couldnt stop crying. My daughter crys for hours every night. I am on my own, i dont do shared care, its just me. Shes threatening self harm. I function on the surface, work, have a house, etc but dont cope inside. These people, mum included are so quick to judge but never willing to offer solutions. How dare they? I think its chats like this that reinforce to me how misunderstood I am, how those who dont live with the hurt just dont understand me. Thank goodness for this forum where people do understand.. Im trying to unravel why I was so upset. I think she was out of order, but she really hit a nerve. More soul searching needed. I think it will be a long night! If I can find the triggers she hit then hopefully i can diffuse the emotion so I dont need to pull away from my family.

[schrödinger's cat]

Sorry to hear that your mother is making things more difficult for you.    One of my kids once needed therapy, and we had very good luck and found an excellent woman who proved to be not just skilled, but also sympathetic and genuinely kind. I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Because it's nonsense to think that mothers can fix everything single-handedly. Even if we had all the skills and all the knowledge a therapist has - doesn't it do a kid a world of good to hear all those things from someone else, too? To have their mothers teach them things like "it wasn't your fault" and "you're wonderful", and then the therapist reinforces and strengthens that?

Follow your heart and do what you know is best for your daughter, and the rest of the world will just have to lump it. People should be supporting you, not throwing more stones in your way. What they say just betrays their own ignorance. Shame on them! Even if they have childhood trauma - Stalin had that too, and no sane person would ever seek therapy advice in his writings.

[Kizzie]

How dare they indeed pippapop.    That's definitely NOT what you need to hear, it's not at all helpful and in fact undermines you which may be her intent. 

Listen to your voice (e.g., "I think she was out of order"), and as Cat suggests, follow your heart.  You genuinely love your D and that is monumentally different than what you and I and everyone here experienced as children and why we ended up here. 

   

[pippapop]

Went to the T again with my daughter today. Ive had her sleeping in a little room near my bedroom for months as she is more comfortable there than in her room. Partly because she is close to me and today we worked out partly because she gets body memories from her bedroom. We still live in the same house the abuse to us occured in. For me it was a challenge to keep my house, it wad mine before I met him,I also dont want to loose the support I have with fantastic neighbors. So here is my  delema, I really dont want to move, but I also want to get my daughter sleeping back in her or the spare room but  both have body memories. I cant have visitors once she goes to bed when she sleeps where she is as shes right next to the front door. Very isolating for me. Ive cancelled visitors for 5 months now. So how do i help her process the body memories?   Is there a way? The T is working with her to process her memories and work with her as she goes through developmental stages she missed, but this bit of the whole seems to be missing. Looks like I need to start searching for ideas!

[Kizzie]

Hi Pippapop - I don't know about processing the memories (other than therapy and talking openly with her), but perhaps you can make help her to make new, more positive body memories by making the room itself a more positive place for her.  For example:

- set up a tent in her bedroom and camp in there with her for a few nights so it becomes more of a fun place to be
- play in there with her whenever you can, again so that it becomes comforting/fun place to be
- if she's up to having a friend over - perhaps have a sleepover
- work together to redecorate the room in big or small ways - whatever is feasible (she may gain a sense of control from doing something like that and the room will look different)
- To help her fall asleep at night what about something like a small fish tank near her bed for her to watch
- Put a picture of you on her nightstand
- Have her to pick out a big stuffed bear (or whatever) to bring home who will watch over her while she sleeps

Just some thoughts - hope they help!