Rambling thoughts and ideas

[Wattlebird]

Managed triggers better now learning to manage myself and my emotional triggers is all new, I've got a few statergies that seem to work, its hard to get your thoughts to change direction, especially when you are still learning what that emotion is, I learnt to recognise shame, I had to sort that one out with my t, as I was confused, as it triggers an aggressive self defence response in me, but it makes sense, this stuff is doing my head in, I'm up to the chpt on emotions in my dissociation book and just reading the opening paragraph triggered a strong response so I stopped there for now.
Good chat with b tonight, miss him a lot, bs is good I'm still wary but not freaked atm, I spoke to my t about my anxiety over my growing attachment to her and being freaked out that she has been teaching me emotions like a baby gets taught mirroring like a mothers supposed to do, putting her in a mother type role, this is what's freaking me out now I continually equate her with my mother and that's not a very safe feeling, it seems I got very little interaction and didn't learn what my emotions were. So all she did is explain where she thought the anxiety was coming from which I had already worked out but I still don't know how to deal with it, people say you need to address your issues but no one tells u how, anyway I should have been asleep hrs ago just wanted to clear my head

[Three Roses]

I'm also triggered into a self-defense feeling when I feel shame, or blamed for something.  not fun

[Wattlebird]

Yeah 3roses it's not fun at all, I've been following your journal, seems we have a few characteristics I common, I go "yeah I do that" it has helped me become aware of some unconscious behaviours related to cptsd that I hadn't considered yet, I've been in therapy for 8 mths and it's still all new self discoveries constantly, feel like I've never known myself truly but better late than never.

[sanmagic7]

i hear ya on not knowing myself for ever so long.  these new realizations, as they pop up are overwhelming at times, but also help explain a lot.  keep up the good work, sweetie.   love and hugs.

[Wattlebird]

Trigger Warning SI
I'm feeling all messed up inside, I'm not sure what these feeling even are, there is a lot of pain that keeps hitting me in waves and triggers a self destructive response, I don't know what to do about it, my last therapy session is tomorrow for over a month, I'm worried about the next month or so, I'm feeling abandoned, and sick with grief. I don't see the point in living like this but I also am fighting to stay motivated to recover, but why bother, the only reason is for my kids, i can't abandon them.
I don't want to dump this on my t on her last day before holidays, it feels too manipulative and unfair, I've actually been practicing the coping strategies for distress tolerance and it's been working ok, so I'm going to continue with that stuff, I'm just really triggered atm and don't want to do anything harmful to my recovery, I really feel like hiding for the next month so I don't have to face life alone, I feel bad for expressing how I feel, my self pity is detestable to me.

[sanmagic7]

o, sweetie, to be without your t for a month is a big deal, and is sure to trigger lots of emotional overwhelms in you.  i'm just glad you have your kids to focus on to see you thru this rough patch. 

that transference thing is very common with therapists/clients.  you weren't taught what you needed to know emotionally, and while your t is showing you the way through that maze, she can definitely feel like a mother figure.  in essence, she's taking on the responsibility that was your mother's.  it's very, very common.

may i encourage you to just take a deep breath, then another.  just breathe.  it might help to slow down those racing thoughts that are threatening to overwhelm you.  and, personally, i don't think it's manipulative to bring up whatever thoughts and feelings you might have with your t.  that's what she's there for, to help you navigate these muddy waters.

we will be here for you while your t is away, too.  you're not alone, wb.  i know it's not the same, but it might be helpful to you to know that.  please, take care of you.  number one priority.  sending love and a hug filled with support.

[Wattlebird]

I've been thinking today how much happier I am seperated from h, i have this underlying anger at him but I'm trying to ignore it till after Christmas, I want a happy Christmas and I think if I start dwelling on why I feel so much happier, I won't contain it for long. (The anger)
I can last a few more days I've been avoiding so long I'm a pro.
Its funny I believed I had no anger toward him,
When I was telling my t about my h's fear of my mothers reaction to the seperation, she said maybe she can be angry at him for you, I thought, I'm not angry with him and now it seems I really am I can feel it but I'm burying it for a few more days.
Actually I'm quite scared of my anger,  this little emoji always makes my guts curl up, anyway I'm ranting.

[Blueberry]

Hello Wattlebird,

I'm a pro at hiding my anger away too. At some point the pot boils over... However I can understand wanting to keep the lid on over Christmas. At least the lid on old, old anger. Especially if it frightens you, because then where to get help over Xmas??

on feeling happier, whatever the reasons.

Blueberry

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird, I am also glad to see that you're feeling happier.  That's a good thing.  I understand what you say when you mention being scared of your anger - I also feel that way about my own.  Infact I think I'm scared of being out of control in anyway, and somehow I fear that being angry causes an 'out of control' feeling - I don't know why that would be scary, but it is.  Wishing you a good night's sleep - when the time comes. 
I would like to wish you a Happy Christmas - and hope that you enjoy it.
Hope 

[Wattlebird]

I'm just going to note some things from my dissociation book
Under the sub heading, The influence of parts on each other.
Example used
" while in a store, people with a dissociative disorder may hear an inner voice that says, "get out, get out, it's not safe in here! You have to go home!" Even though they know nothing is wrong. This is more than a wish, but rather a desperate inner voice that comes from another part of the personality that may be visualised as a terrified young child. Perhaps such individuals might hear or sense other inner voices that tell the child part to shut up or that complain about how stupid they are to go shopping because they don't need anything. Such people may feel confused, ashamed, and afraid of what is happening inside themselves and might feel a sense of impending doom, as though something terrible is about to happen. and all the while, they remain aware that they are simply in a store where everyone else is going about their business quite normally." end quote page 27
Bold type inserted
This is the clearest description of my experiences that I've never been able to articulate. I wanted to note it somewhere

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird,  That is a really great example, and I also relate completely to that - in terms of how the experience is.  It's good to see it written down like that. 
Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hello Wattlebird, I have a request to make. Would you please tell me the name and the author of the book you quoted as I think I would like to read it. Many thanks.
SaB

[Wattlebird]

Sure s&b
It's "coping with trauma related dissociation" by Suzanne boon, Kathy Steele and onno van Dee hart

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thank you so much Wattlebird and I belatedly realised I probably shouldn't have asked in your journal so my apologies for that. Thank you.

S.