Having your books and toys given away

[Rainydaze]

The one and only time NF ever took it upon himself to 'have a sort out' in the house was when he gave away my books and toys to others in the family. His piles of rubbish were left untouched for years but he found the motivation to give away my things. He may well have asked my permission to do so, I can't really remember and I don't think I was too concerned at the time when I was a teenager, but now as an adult trying to reconnect to my very young self I find that I'm craving all my lovely childhood books back. One book in particular was a beautiful, pop-up Christmas book from an auntie and I have no idea where it ended up.  I also had so many books that I enjoyed reading at bedtime with my mum. I really do regret letting him have free reign of it all, though saying that even if I had said no he probably would have made my life a misery for wanting to keep it.

My mum didn't have a personality disorder and I believe she was a 'well-intentioned' enabler, however she did the same too. A fair number of the toys I enjoyed when I was little were hand-me-downs from my siblings but they felt like my toys. There was one in particular which I adored and it was my absolute favourite. For some reason she ended up giving it away to my cousins who lived hundreds of miles away and who we saw about once a year. I don't think she did it to be cruel, I think she was just oblivious to the fact that I loved it, and in a way that hurts just as much. I was the third child (I think 'the lost child' for a long time) and I think they just treated these things as surplus and unimportant by the time they reached me.

I've never really gone without anything material so it's not like I didn't have other toys to play with or was unable to buy more books as I got older. It's just the fact that these were mine (or at least I thought they were) and they made me happy when I was little. I remember the feeling of enjoying them but I can't re-live it the way I perhaps could if I physically had these things still and could read, smell and touch them. Anyone relate to this? I feel a bit out of order even writing this, as though I'm being bratty for ever expecting to have been able to keep them! 

[Three Roses]

That would have broken my heart. I was and am incredibly sentimental about possessions; it's not the possessions themselves but the memories they evoke. I remember the connection with the person who gave it to me; or the time spent with that particular object, for example, hours spent reading a favorite book, etc; all the feelings associated with that object...it could be a stick or a rock (I'm fond of both), so it's not the monetary value of the thing. I would've been heartbroken to have my beautiful books given away. Like lopping off a bit of myself and tossing it in the trash. I'm very sorry that this happened to you, blues. 

[Blackbird33]

Yes I can relate to what you're saying.  My  m gave away the only 2 things in the world that gave me joy.  My beautiful dear dog, and my piano. Came home from school and they were gone.

[LilyITV]

This thread is so heartbreaking.  That's a terrible thing to do to a child.  I still have  my doll my grandma made for me and would have been so sad if they had been given away. 

[Not Alone]

It is definitely okay for you to have the expectation that your things were yours until you said differently. I remember as a child crying over a Humpty-Dumpty puzzle that my father put into the fire. I wasn't particularly attached to that puzzle, but I still cried. Maybe it felt like another violation. I know it isn't the same, but I hope you can find some of those books online and gift them to yourself.

[Kizzie]

I am so sorry your toys and books were given away Blues, I can hear how much they mean to you and how sad you are for not having them            

[Rainydaze]

Thanks for the responses, it really helps validate how I feel on this one. Was wondering if I was being a bit too sentimental or silly for missing these things.

I remember the connection with the person who gave it to me; or the time spent with that particular object, for example, hours spent reading a favorite book, etc; all the feelings associated with that object...it could be a stick or a rock (I'm fond of both), so it's not the monetary value of the thing.

Yeah, that's exactly it, it's not just the physicality of the item it's what it evokes. I could lose myself in my imagination as a child and a lot of these toys and books helped me cope with a scary childhood. For me, choosing to give my stuff away first and foremost was just more of the same attitude of, "Well, it's only Blues' things." The frustrating thing is that I think he did ask me at the time if he could give these things away and as a naive teenager I didn't realise how precious they were so I didn't protest. He still actively chose to give away parts of my childhood though rather than decades of his own clutter. Plus now my life is relatively much calmer now it's easy to forget how quick he was to fly into a rage when he didn't get his way. I suspect I probably just said "yes" to have some peace and not set him off as my only focus at the time was to get out of that living situation as soon as possible. There was no room for sentimentality and I guess now I'm out of constant fight or flight mode I have the capacity to reflect on these things.

I do have a few books I managed to hold on to, so maybe I had some foresight at the time or had been keeping them safe without knowing it. That's something to hold on to I think.