Sabotaging my recovery??

[Mojo50]

Hi.  I've very sad today 😥I've done a lot of healing in the past couple of years.... I really feel like I've turned my shame to blame onto my abusers, I love and connect w my inner child BUT... sometimes I don't TRUST or BELIEVE in my wellness. I'm starting to think that maybe it has to do with not trusting myself. Or maybe my Inner Child not trusting me yet?? What do you think? Does self trust that we're going to be okay take time? Anyone else feel like this.... like you just can't trust anything about yourself.... Ugh. Thank you for ANY words of wisdom. I love you all for the battle you/we fight every single day bccof another's actions. 

[woodsgnome]

I certainly fit in the category of hard-to-trust-myself (and everyone else). Plus I tend to dissociate or even bristle when I'm complimented on some things -- especially when my T does so, I've noticed. And yet she's the one person in my life who's demonstrated full sincerity and belief that I'm better than I've ever considered myself.

I do think it's mostly due to the years of abuse where trust was a foreign concept, and with no one else to back me up I fell into their desired trap to just fall over, even when circumstances and actions were definitely not my fault in any way. So I just swallowed it up in my disappointment and hurt and to this day trust of any sort -- exterior or interior -- remains a major stumbling block for me.

"I'm getting better" now seems possible, but man is it s-l-o-w to shift gears to where I can live with having survived the past, and reminding myself I'm not there anymore as well. That in the process I'm okay, and now safe enough to take a look around  Feels different at first, but soon it's realized that the old stench of distrust, shame and blame have been overtaken by the fresh breezes of learning that there is a place for trust in life.

So it appears by what you've said -- work in progress, for which I wish you well.

                                                         

[Mojo50]

Thanks woodsgnome! Your post made me feel better. It's like since I've been healing the realization has come to me that " you don't even trust or believe in your ability to heal". I am telling my IC it's okay... her trust was shattered. Such damage CPTSD causes and thank god that I no longer blame her for ANY of it. I use to even get mad at myself ( her) for my symptoms. Nope. Not doing that anymore. Hurl them at my abusers!!!!❤️