My best pals

[Boatsetsailrose]

#trigger warning
Urrr going through a bit of a tough one...well and so are the friends I'm going to.talk.about too...
My close friend who also has cptsd has been going and continues to go through a really tough time with her mental health this past few months. I needed to take a break from her b4 xmas for 3 wks and framed it that i needed to focus on me and have time out from people in general, she seemed fine with this. I was due to meet her b4 xmas but it didn't happen and i haven't seen her since. We've spoken on the phone a couple of times and she seemed fine with me but not well in herself. This past 3 wks nothing ...ive called left a message, text and asked another friend how she is and she reportedly is not good. I'm aware from things she has said that she has cut people out of her life people who were good friends and she is also having problems where she is living with the landlady.
It hurts she hasn't contacted me but i do respect she ob doesnt want to or feel its right for her at this time . it doesn't feel right to contact her again and i did say in my answer phone message if she wanted to talk just to let me know .
i am worried about her and we've been close for 4yrs so we have talked a lot about our inner worlds and recovery . i miss her .
I fear our friendship may be over but then the other part of me trusts this is just how it is for now...
I dont make close friends easy so this is a big blow..

Situation 2) another friend from my hometown (120 miles away). i see her once a year when i stay with her the rest of the time we keep in touch via what's app..
She knows of my cptsd and that i suffer episodes and get mental health support. The past few wks she has been leaning on me more for support around her dad . in hindsight i got too involved and would have been better for me to time limit . lately her adoptive son has been having more problems saying he wants to kill himself and then showed.her some self harm scars. She told me that she isn't making a big deal out of it (and thinks he may be attention seeking ) and asked me did i think she was doing the right thing. I (irronically) am an ex mental health nurse and the advice I've been giving with her dad previously had been about dementia so i took it she was asking me from a prof point of view. i replied 'im sorry i dont want to get into advising in this way ' (in hindsight i could have just said 'i dont know' or 'im not comfortable'.she responded by saying 'i was asking you as a pro but as a friend, but thats.fine. does this comment sound a bit brash ? Or am i just taking it that way ? I haven't responded to the comment and we havent communicated since . i feel like there may be a stale mate going on between us ? I dont feel i want to make the 1st move ...
I have been struggling a bit more with this friend she is very controlling and bossy . (we've been friends years I've changed a lot ie stand up for myself more, she is the same  ). When i stayed at her house it was uncomfortable because she was trying to control me and was over bearing .

I dont know how to play it now ?

If you've listened this far thank you its a bit of a ramble. any experience , thoughts welcome
Best wishes boats

[Boatsetsailrose]

That should read 'im.sorry i dont want to get into advising in that way, is there a mental health worker at the school ?
And she replied 'i wasnt asking you as a pro but as a friend, but that's fine'.

I haven't responded ....i was going to respond 'as a friend i don't know'.

Was my comment too formal ? Lacking empathy ? Was her response a bit brash ?
Should i reply now ? I just don't know ??

[Three Roses]

With Friend #1, you've reached out several times; if you've asked her directly and tried to reaffirm your friendship, that's about all you can do - if she's feeling hurt or whatever is up to her to say that. Maybe she is too afraid to discuss her feelings if she feels overwhelmed, or whatever. You'll have to take her statements of  "we're fine" as truth - or at least the truth she is currently able to say.

FWIW, a very good friend of mine goes thru long periods of withdrawal from everyone. She seems to enjoy light-hearted emails during her quiet times, brief "thinking of you" text messages...maybe that would work between the two of you.

With Friend #2, since she is bossy and controlling on her good days, and you're uncomfortable being around her, I guess IMO it boils down to either being up-front with her about her controlling behavior, or continuing the friendship as-is, or letting the friendship kind of drift away on its own.

IMO your statements were not too harsh. She sounds kind of overwhelmed atm so I wouldn't take her responses to heart. I come across as bossy at times when I'm feeling overwhelmed and things feel out of control for me. Maybe a simple "How's your son?" will smooth things over.

Best of luck to you, BSSR. I hope things are going to work out for you and your friends. 

[Blueberry]

With friend no. 2, it doesn't sound as if it was clear whether she was asking you as a professional or as a friend so I don't see anything wrong with you interpreting the 'incorrect' way. How were you to know?? Anyway whether you're answering as a pro or as a friend, you could still not want to get into that type of advising.

I've had a number of friends with mental health problems (sometimes cptsd, sometimes other) leaning on me too much. I've written about some of that on the Friends board or Recovery Letters. Usually by the time I've noticed problems it has been too late to change anything in the friendship  - the other person seems no longer willing, or discussing further seems futile to me. In two cases I didn't realise till way too late that they were basically sponging off me being in therapy and them not, though they could have got therapy!

I'd only reply if you really want to! So not from a feeling of "I should" / "She might be hurt...".

for you at this tough time.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thanks three roses ...i think thats the thing neither friend is assertive in their feelings if its to do with the friendship ...they are both passive aggressive ....grrrr

Thanks blueberry yes indeed and i strongly suspect she was asking me because I've worked with young people with mh and wasnt asking me as a friend . i don't have any experience to offer as a friend . this friend can't bear to be wrong and this kind of response is her way where as someone else may say 'of course no problem sorry to have asked .
I walk on egg shells with this friend she dumped me some years ago for slightly smiling when i said something about her brother (i used to smirk when i was younger i don't know why shame ? Self conscious ) and she used to hate it . we fell.out for several years and now i don't know if im oversensitive in this area or its real i suspect some of both .
She controls.her husband to.the max and he went off and had internet relationship . i know she is a good person but she is very fearful and masks it with control and power. every one is like the under dog around her because that is how she conducts it. Its her way or the highway and I'm not sure now I've 'grown up i can adhere to those rules.
That's the fear blueberry if i don't get in touch it feels like she wont  and then bang our friendship will be over again this time for good. sometimes i wonder if she is a NARC ?

[Three Roses]

Tbh it doesn't really sound like you get much out of the friendship (friend 2)... 

If it were me and this was the long term pattern of the friendship I would probably let her go. Just my opinion tho.

[Blueberry]

Tbh it doesn't really sound like you get much out of the friendship (friend 2)... 

If it were me and this was the long term pattern of the friendship I would probably let her go. Just my opinion tho.

It does feel a bit lonely still for me sometimes since i've let friends go or just set them a firm limit and they didn't come back but otoh it has been very healing to manage to stick up for myself and say "I'm not putting up with this!!" even if these strong sentences were only in my head. I didn't necessarily tell the ex-friend. I acted in a way that showed them my limits. Since starting to set limits with friends, I've been doing it in other "scarier" places e.g. the yoga centre where I was in January (see Difficult Day thread), volunteer workplace etc.

I've been told that a "good, strong, healthy friendship" ought to be able to handle one of the friends giving some push-back. If not, it's not as healthy as you think.

I can't remember if they say it on here or on OOTF or both, but with increased healing comes a need to examine all our human relations. I realised with one friend that I'd put up with a lot partially because she helped me quite often too but partially because I was comparing friends' treatment of me with FOO's treatment of me. "Compared to FOO, they're really good." Well, that's putting the bar really really low.

Even if she's not narc, she could be unhealthy for you! Maybe check out Abusive Cycle at OOTF: https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/10/21/abusive-cycle

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi three roses ...this is just one side of the friendship ....she has been very good to me and the past 2 years has been a good support ....its just these past few months its been more difficult as her life has been escalating with problems and I've got over involved ...that's my doing ...
I do need to take responsibility too

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi blueberry,
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'I acted in a way that showed them my limits ' thank you yes this is helpful to.hear and what I've done. Co dependence is a crappy addiction and i know i have it (compliance) and i know she has it (control). Interesting to see when i take control what happens . . .
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'I've been told that a "good, strong, healthy friendship" ought to be able to handle one of the friends giving some push-back. If not, it's not as healthy as you think'.
Yep i can see that this friend doesn't allow that ....we've been back as friend's for 10yrss now and i can see I've spent too much time on what's app her in my life and i in hers and now there is fall out ... Im letting it go for now and not making any moves. . .. 😂 Prayers for what is right . ...
I often wonder just when I'll.make a healthy friendship in my life ! 45 and the learning and healing continues they...

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