Different Experiences

[str_grl]

My mom and shenanigans she caused are the reason I am on this platform.My mom has Borderline Personality Disorder. I have two siblings and we all went through various horrible experiences. However, I am the only one with CPTSD. One of my siblings and I were talking about parents how our parents have guest behavior the other day and they said you know our mom has changed. I think it is because of the large impact on my life but I can't seem to just overlook the past. My mom and I don't have a good relationship while my sibling is having my mom live with them for a month after their first baby is born. I just can't get past how hard she has made it for me to function everyday. But I feel pressure from my sibling to let it go and look past everything that happened. They make me feel like I am being vindictive and overreacting to what happened. Has anyone else experienced something like this or have any advice?

[Papa Coco]

Str_Grl

Yes.

And what you're describing is what I think of as textbook Tao of War. A narcissist, or NPD, controls a community of people (a family in this case), by building an army of Flying Monkeys who surround them and make excuses for them. They also tattle for them. The Flying Monkeys (FMs) are like the henchmen. The spies. The fixers. Ultimately; the Enablers. It's how they ALL do it. Your brother is a fixer and a spy and an enabler. You can't escape her as long as he's helping her keep you "in your place."

My family dynamic was that I was in a medium sized Catholic family of 5 children. I was number 4 of 5. Mom was a selfish thirteen-year-old who never grew up. Not a narcissist, but a selfish, manipulative mean girl. My sister who was 11 years older than me has Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm full No Contact with them now, but for 50 years I was treated just how you're describing in your post. When my BPD sister didn't get her way, she'd cause massive chaos in a raging swarm of lies and tricks. She'd create fires just so we'd have to put them out. Narcissists are only comfortable in chaos. They have control when nobody else has control. Whenever I'd try to get out of her life, dear old Mom would do what your brother does. She'd say I was being mean to my dear evil sister. She'd say "Oh she didn't mean it." She'd say "You can take the high road. I know she's difficult, but she has a good heart." And "She's family. Families forgive."

Several times in the 50 years I stayed in that FOO, Mom would set traps for me to walk into. I'd be trying to get that manipulative monster sister out of my life. Mom would invite me over. I'd walk into a staged intervention where the entire family would surround me and work on me until I apologized for what my sister did to me. Yeah: That's how I say it: They made ME apologize for what SHE did to ME!  They'd make me apologize for being offended by being attacked.

The war cry of the narcissist or NPD is "You owe me!" The war cry of their Flying Monkeys is "Oh just give him/her what he/she wants. (s)he didn't mean what she said." or, (and this is my favorite), "You're reading things into it. You misunderstood what she said/did."  YUP: The Narcissist in charge has built an army of loyalists who help make sure that the victim takes the blame for being the victim.

My solution was total No Contact, but my age and finances allowed me to do it. I know that going NC is the only true solution, but that only those who CAN go NC can go NC. So my suggestion for younger people, or for people who have need to stay in the family, is to buy and read the books like The Sociopath Next Door by Dr. Martha Stout. Reading that book enlightened me to the point that I know ALL their tricks now and am more immune than ever before. The book teaches about the NPD in charge and about the Flying Monkeys that surround and enable the NPD. The book, and other books like this one, teach us how to protect ourselves and sort of "diffuse" their ability to harm us.

I read that book 10 years ago and it still helps me to this day.

[Cascade]

Hi str grl,
Reading through this again makes me a little angry, like the anger that Pete Walker expresses at the abusers and critics.  No one gets to do this to other human beings!  Perhaps I am projecting my own stage of healing inappropriately, but I say lay the blame where it belongs:  at their feet, not yours.  You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty or pressured about.  Do what is right for your own healing.

Hrumph (folding arms across my chest).  So there, critics and flying monkeys... fly away in your own shame because it doesn't belong here with us.

[Lakelynn]

Str_grl,

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty or pressured about

Family members who have somehow escaped the full force of abuse or still have a "good" relationship with the perpetrator often engage in these tactics. I agree totally with Cascade. But easier said than done.

Hold on to your feelings, your experiences and use them as a way to keep yourself safe. A lot of expectations happen when life brings in new members or takes out existing ones.