Caught my friend trying to manipulate me and dealing with it as best I can

[Oscen]

Hey guys, a really long read here. It's about a friend who I think was subtly, covertly manipulating me, and I've recently called him out on it. It's turned into more of a journal entry than a post as I'm getting my thoughts in order. Have a scan if this is a familiar situation to you, but I realise it's incredibly long so probably won't get any replies! See the next post down for a tl;dr!

I have a close friend who I met a few years ago. We often discuss our goals, aspirations, difficult backgrounds and therapy, etc. I feel that we're close and value his friendship, but I know that he is very status-conscious in terms of valuing himself and others for a high-status job and other indicators of status, such as looks, fitness, travel, achievement in creative fields, etc, whereas my values have shifted to being more internal, being content in myself, feeling self love & acceptance, etc. When we first met I was more ambitious, thinking that I had to be successful in some creative field, like singing, writing, or stand up comedy. I still love those things but recognise that I was hoping for some kind of prestige in order to feel safe after my invalidating childhood. Although I hope to pursue some of these things more as I love them and they make me come alive, I'm not sure if I am really driven to succeed. The trauma has never really allowed me to be a super-motivated person, although I'm proud of what I have done. I feel like my friend however is quite attached to the idea that I'll be very successful in some creative field or other.

I saw him recently and first he discussed how he is frustrated with his boyfriend for various reasons - his boyfriend has put on some weight, and is not interested in changing his job or developing his career. My friend asked for my opinion about how to express what he wanted, and he first suggested something pretty subtle - I can't remember exactly, but it was some sort of indirect criticism. I said that wasn't good, it's covert manipulation, so my friend said he could try pointing out the positives - "I'm really attracted to guys with flat stomachs". I said that sounded a bit better - I don't think it sounds great but I also don't want to be telling my friend what to do. I'm a straight woman and he's a gay man, so there's no romantic undertones here, by the way.

Anyway, several times later that night, I got the feeling he was using these positive reinforcement techniques on me. I didn't realise at the time, but felt uncomfortable. He praised me for having goals and ambitions, for being tough to survive in the busy city we're living in (his boyfriend is considering returning to his home country), etc. Quite a bit of "comparative praise" - building me up at his boyfriend's expense - which I detest. He does praise me often, to be fair, but the praise felt hollow generally, and several times I "corrected" him and said that I wasn't proud of the thing he was building up, but more proud of my individuality, openness, and attitude. In the meantime, he was also asking me about my creative projects, which I haven't progressed in the last month because of various reasons, such as work, family drama, finding a new therapist etc. I felt like he was probing and trying to hold me accountable. Of course, I'd like to be making more progress towards the things I love, and so I felt a little embarrassed that I'm not following through. However, I know I'm focusing on the really important stuff - recovery - and I don't want my aspirations to be what he likes about me, and I also don't appreciate him acting like I'm answerable to him. We had sort of established this relationship where we support each other towards our goals, so I didn't call him out on it at the time. However, I felt icky and irritable overall; intruded upon, like my boundaries were being crossed. I want a friend who cares about me for who I am.

After heading home, I realised that the way he interacted with me was exactly the same way he'd decided to communicate with his partner - emphasising the positives to get him to do what he wants. I didn't feel upset, but put off and annoyed. It made sense of some messages he's been giving me for a while. Generally, I'd say I've maintained my boundaries with him fairly well based on how deep I think our relationship can go, so I'm not too hurt, just a bit insulted really.

I decided to give myself the validation of trusting myself and called him out on it. I sent an email the next day, saying that I thought that he had used the techniques he discussed about communicating with his boyfriend on me, to try to manipulate me a certain way. I also mentioned that I wanted to be accepted for who I am, and didn't like being praised in a comparative way. He replied pretty soon after, saying he was surprised and confused, didn't mean to upset me, but was open to listening. It was an ok response, but I also noticed that he didn't acknowledge that the way he spoke to me had resembled that technique we'd discussed. He also didn't say that he respected me for who I am, but reiterated that he respects me for goal setting/ambitions, and even told me that he had praised me to his boyfriend and compared me to him again in the email. He asked for examples of the manipulation, which I'd already given, and then at the end flipped it on me and asked why I thought he would even want to manipulate me, which I don't think is my responsibility to fathom, so I left it. I sent another, shorter email reiterating that I felt like he was trying to nudge me in a certain direction and that I didn't like it because I didn't feel accepted for who I am, and I don't like the porous boundaries. I've left it at that for now.

I honestly feel like I've caught him red-handed; to discuss this method openly and then to see it in action, being used on me. I know it happened; I felt it. I believe that he may be doing it unconsciously, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen. I think he probably isn't aware that he's doing it, and I also don't think he's aware that it's wrong, either. But I do think he subconsciously knows the buttons to push to get reactions that he wants and to feel in control.

Another covert technique he used that night is that he kept saying that he is working on forgiving his mother whenever I mentioned stuff about my mum. I said that I'm going to get therapy for trauma because I'm certain my mother is a covert narcissist, and I mentioned that I had emailed my mother about something important and felt really unsettled by her reply for no obvious reason. I got the feeling that he didn't approve of what I was saying as he asked for more information in what seemed like a demanding way and didn't nod or validate what I was saying in any way. There were awkward pauses after I answered two of his questions, when he said nothing and I felt the urge to fill the space, but resisted. Both times I mentioned issues I have with my mother, he said that he was trying to forgive his own mother. He didn't offer that as advice, or ask me if I thought that would work for me. He just said that he was working on forgiving his mother, like as if that's what I should be doing. That was the subtext. Bear in mind that I've listened to him talk about plenty of issues that he has with his mother, so it's not like I dropped something really inappropriate into the conversation. I think there's two reasons he kept pushing the "forgiveness" idea at me -
1)  he's uncomfortable with the idea of me criticising my mother as he is programmed not to do so with his and wants to stop the discomfort; he's possibly also uncomfortable with the idea of me calling out manipulation, etc, and unconsciously wants to nip it in the bud so I don't get in the habit...
2) he also doesn't have much self confidence, so I think he wants to push me to make the same decisions that he does as a form of validation... He's chosen to work on his relationship with his mother, through therapy and other means, so if I do it too, then it validates his choices. It's a real inability to respect my boundaries as a separate person, with my own needs and wants and rights.

I didn't like the way he kept pushing the forgiveness thing indirectly at me, and it didn't feel right. I'd have been happy to hear him bring up  a conversation about his relationship with his mum, but he wasn't doing it to communicate openly, but rather, to influence or silence me. Saying the word forgiveness always makes you look good, but it was an excuse to not have to engage with what I was saying. I also felt like I was being paranoid when I interpreted him mentioning "forgiveness" as a covert criticism of me, which almost made me want to not write about it here. However, as soon as I saw the words in from of me, it helped me recognise that it is another covert tactic. I think he was trying to make out that I was blaming her rather than taking responsibility for myself, when in actual fact, I am holding her accountable. It's pretty uncomfortable for manipulators when accountability starts happening.

Now that I think about it, I do give him a tremendous amount of validation and attention, which could be a source of narcissistic supply. I've been a bit alarmed to realise that he does check a lot of the narcissistic boxes - valuing superficial things; false praise; feeds off energy; highly sensitive; superiority; misunderstood special person; passive-aggressiveness & indirect manipulation, not just me but with his partner and family too... I didn't really see this coming, to be honest and I'm curious if I'm right about this or if I'm having a false alarm. Of course, I have not accused him of being a narc, just called him out on the manipulation I saw. I am going to think carefully about what I want from our friendship going forward, and even more importantly, about how much validation and emotional energy I am giving away to those who want it from me. And especially, that I often do not give myself the same validating energy. This is a bit of a wake up call - I often make friends by listening sympathetically to others and validating them. I'm very accepting and kind, but it drains so much from me. And it's avoiding real connection when I just listen a lot - sneaky of me!

Anyway, I think I see the situation for what it is. It's a big leap trusting myself this much, and of course I know I could be wrong, but it feels right. I need to give myself this gift of believing in myself, and of taking thoughts and feelings and turning them into action (after careful consideration, of course). I'm a little afraid that I could be paranoid, that I could be isolating myself further, that I'm being rash, etc... but you know what, I also feel like I'm doing the right thing by me. Even if I'm wrong, at least now I can actually learn something from experience instead of staying in limbo. It feels good to give myself permission to believe myself and do what I want.

[Oscen]

tl;dr

My friend said he was going to tell his boyfriend he wanted him to lose weight by emphasising the positives - "I'm really attracted to guys with flat stomachs".
Later in conversation, I realised he was using a similar technique on me - praising things about me that he wanted me to do more of.
Things like setting goals, being ambitious, etc. but the praise felt hollow and I was uncomfortable.
My friend is status-conscious and seems attached to the idea that I'll be successful in some creative field.
Which sounds great, but hey, might not happen and I want my friend to like me for me.

I called him out on it via email. He replied and was fairly open but didn't acknowledge the dynamic I pointed out.
I'm starting to think he may be a covert narcissist - he ticks a lot of boxes.
Will give him a chance but I feel like my eyes have been opened to some patterns that were always there.

I value his friendship but I also feel it's ok if I need to back off as I've maintained my boundaries where I want them and I trust my feelings.
I'm also proud of myself for emailing him as I never used to confront people about stuff but have been doing it more lately.

Go me. 

[Blueberry]

I actually decided to read your whole first post because I tend to write really long posts myself and realisations in friendships has been quite a topic for me this past year as well.

It sounds to me as if you're really clear in your head and in your feelings about what's going on

Really I just want to validate what you wrote. With your clarity on the topic, I'm sure you'll find 'your' answers to your questions fairly quickly.

I didn't expect that in healing from cptsd I'd be saying total goodbye to a number of long-term friends and much reducing contact to some others, but it has been the case. 

[Three Roses]

Nothing to add, just a for continuing to grow and act on your own behalf!

[Not Alone]

"I need to give myself this gift of believing in myself, and of taking thoughts and feelings and turning them into action (after careful consideration, of course). I'm a little afraid that I could be paranoid, that I could be isolating myself further, that I'm being rash, etc... but you know what, I also feel like I'm doing the right thing by me. Even if I'm wrong, at least now I can actually learn something from experience instead of staying in limbo. It feels good to give myself permission to believe myself and do what I want."

Sounds like a very complex relationship. Just wanted to encourage you as you trust your thoughts and feelings in this situation.

[Oscen]

Hi notalone,

Yes, I've been reflecting lately that we have a very intense friendship and have shared a lot of emotionally sensitive information with each other, and also both received a lot of validation from one another. I think it helped me for a while but it has been creeping over a sensitive boundary of mine (feeling controlled/steered) and I'm starting to feel like the flow of validation and acceptance is becoming asymmetrical.

Overall, I'm not happy with how I dealt with the situation as I was too accusatory and aggressive in my language to him, and felt terrible for a few days. I know I hurt him unnecessarily because I was very triggered and I want to learn to express myself better, even when emotional. Regulating my emotional responses is important too. However, I also stick by my first instinct; that at least I gave myself permission to express myself proactively, which I have almost never done before in my life. I think that I will be able to do better next time because I allowed myself to speak up and saw that the sky didn't fall down, so I know speaking up can be ok, even when done badly. I am considering the best way to apologise to take responsibility for being so hurtful with my words, even though I know it probably won't reconcile us.

I will do my best to take this experience on board and use what I've learned in future to express myself calmly, clearly and kindly; but for the time being, I must accept that the path to mastery is paved with mistakes and not beat myself up too much.

[Blueberry]

for the time being, I must accept that the path to mastery is paved with mistakes and not beat myself up too much.

Please try to be kind to yourself! You are learning!

[Not Alone]

Bravo to you for trusting your feelings in this relationship, honestly looking at yourself and how you dealt with it and evaluating how you would like to approach him differently, and giving yourself grace in the process of learning and growing.