Feeling safer in 'lockdown', despite the pandemic

[bluepalm]

I hesitate to write this because there are so many people suffering terribly at the moment, but I feel so surprised at my body's paradoxical reaction to being 'locked down' in the midst of a pandemic that I want to record my reaction to see if any others who are affected by CPTSD feel similarly.

I am an elderly woman who lives alone (with two dogs). I will shortly turn 72 years old, have a recent history of illness from flu and pneumonia, and I'm probably considered high risk for a severe illness if I catch this contagion. I live in a rural location, physically remote from any family or long-term friends, with limited access to hospital facilities. If I become ill, it is likely I will need to manage it myself, alone at home, and I could well die alone at home. In recognition of this I have now arranged for the RSPCA to rescue and re-home my dogs if I become critically ill, because I have no-one else to help me do that.

Nevertheless, I feel safer and more relaxed than I ever have before. I feel protected in a way I have never felt before. After an initial few nights of nightmares and waking screaming, my sleep is now restful. My dreams are warm and sensuous in a way I've never previously experienced during my entire life. I feel cocooned in a way I've never felt before. As far as I am concerned, I wish this state of 'lock-down' would continue forever until I die and am safely off this earth.

The essence of the change is that I am protected from other people in a way I've never been before. No-one will come to my front door and expect to come inside. I no longer need to wish I could build a brick wall across my front door to keep people away. I do not need to engage in any activities with people (other than virtual ones). I feel 'the law is on my side' in keeping other people away from me, even when I am out walking my dogs. In short, I no longer need to struggle with my raw vulnerability, my continuing inability to set boundaries to keep people from hurting me.

My body's reaction feels amazing to me. My sense of safety and relaxation amazes me. It is a deep bodily 'letting go' of vigilance at a time when the whole world is in fact being told to be vigilant against Covid-19. For me, this situation is the first time I can genuinely relax what has been an ever-present state of extreme vigilance, not against a virus, but against the pain other people inflict on me.

And it is throwing into sharp relief how 'under siege', how profoundly threatened, how deeply dangerous I have experienced the world and other people to be throughout my life, including and most importantly my immediate family. It is throwing into sharp relief how I've carried a deeply wounded body, mind and soul through the years.

In a small way, I feel my body's reaction to feeling protected from other people in the middle of a global pandemic, the fact that my body reacts to protection from people more than it worries about dying from a virus, is yet more evidence (as if more were needed) of how important it is to protect children from the injuries caused by abandonment, abuse, neglect and other adverse experiences. And how important it is to provide access to effective treatments for those who've suffered relational trauma. I do hope this mass experience of trauma will accelerate understanding of these needs.

And for me, it's as if I've been given a small glimpse of what life must feel like for people who've experienced bonding, security, attachment, love, touching, kindness and warm human connection.

I'm grateful for this unexpected blessing from a tragedy.

[Not Alone]

The essence of the change is that I am protected from other people in a way I've never been before. No-one will come to my front door and expect to come inside. I no longer need to wish I could build a brick wall across my front door to keep people away. I do not need to engage in any activities with people (other than virtual ones). I feel 'the law is on my side' in keeping other people away from me, even when I am out walking my dogs. In short, I no longer need to struggle with my raw vulnerability, my continuing inability to set boundaries to keep people from hurting me.

My body's reaction feels amazing to me. My sense of safety and relaxation amazes me. It is a deep bodily 'letting go' of vigilance at a time when the whole world is in fact being told to be vigilant against Covid-19. For me, this situation is the first time I can genuinely relax what has been an ever-present state of extreme vigilance, not against a virus, but against the pain other people inflict on me.

And it is throwing into sharp relief how 'under siege', how profoundly threatened, how deeply dangerous I have experienced the world and other people to be throughout my life, including and most importantly my immediate family. It is throwing into sharp relief how I've carried a deeply wounded body, mind and soul through the years.

I'm glad you are experiencing some peace. Although my experience is different, what you wrote makes sense to me.

[Three Roses]

I feel relief that my self-isolating behavior is finally socially acceptable. I'm not thought of negatively for staying home 24/7. No one extends invitations, and I'm not expected to attend church. No one is coming unannounced to our door and wanting to visit. If I do go out for groceries there is no need to be friendly and interact with anyone. As far as I'm concerned this could continue indefinitely!

[brightlight]

I resonate with everything you are saying.

Self-isolating is my life anyway. 'Everyone' is struggling with their whole world closing in on them. I know this is worse for some people such as loss of job etc. I feel safer and a sense of relief not having to push myself to do tasks most people take for granted such as socialising and trying to connect.

Having said this I want to help others but the social distancing is a relief i.e leaving shopping etc on peoples door steps and not worrying about my facial expression or them judging me.

Even though I have not had the physical health problems you have had recently. I feel everyone dies sometime and if its my time, its my time. I have two gorgeous cats though and I don't want to leave them.

[OceanStar]

Thank you for starting this thread.

I too am feeling a huge weight lifted off me, and a some what guilty for feeling that relief.
Not having to see people and have that "How are you, I'm fine" conversation.
Not encountering as many triggers.
I have noticed my sleep is improving.
I'm less tense which is slowly improving my pain.
I'm able to be present and engaged in what's going on around me so much more.
I have both laughed and cried this past week. I actually can not remember the last time that happened.

I am awear that things might change; but, so far, overall the experience has been a predominantly positive one.

[bluepalm]

Thank you to all who have responded to my initial post. I was worried about stating how I felt but I knew it was real. I trust my body, and I know honesty is fundamental to understanding and healing. Your responses have helped to relieve me of a sense of guilt for responding to lockdown with relief when I know this tragic Covid-19 scourge is causing untold amounts of trauma and grief for so many. Thank you all for allowing me to feel less alone at this frightening time.