Checking in - will do this at the start of each month

[Oscen]

HI there guys, I'm checking in with my progress so far.

Just over a month ago, I made a resolution to post on here more frequently, so you may have seen a lot of posts from me!
This was because I saw Elphanigh's post on this same board "No longer qualify" - saying that they have recovered so much.
I noticed that E has made many posts on the forum, and decided that it could be helpful to me.

I've also been to 2 narc support group meet ups during this time, and have been watching loads of youtube, etc.
The support group in particular has been amazing.

Improvements:
I think I can say that some feelings have been shifting for me in this time.
Posting information and reading others' posts and comments on my own posts is helping me understand and process my situation more.

I feel more confident and feel like my social anxiety in particular is now affecting me very little.
I think it's because I feel ok with revealing my true self more, because of higher self-esteem.
I've also stopped allowing my IC to attack me when I feel awkward, as I can identify what's happening, and that stops it in its tracks.
Perhaps as a result, I've been socialising a little more, and have made some new friends.

I am definitely feeling happier. Hard to say how much, or when this pattern started, but I'm not going to argue with a good thing.
I know it is the result of my hard work and dedication to self-work.

Areas to be improved:
My behaviours themselves haven't changed a great deal - keeping on top of housework & correspondence, prospecting for work, planning & prepping for the clients I do have, doing extra things I'm passionate about like writing and playing my guitar - all this has pretty much stayed at the same level, which is doing just enough work to keep essential activities going.

I'm ok with the fact that my inner state is more important at this stage.
My behaviours may start to shift naturally as a result of my improving moods and feelings about myself.
I'll give it a few more months and if they don't shift naturally, then I'll start looking at ways of working on building better habits, such as coaching.

I'm still not sure how to address my current relationship with my family, especially M, who is the main "point of contact" within the family and triangulates us.
I'm currently in LC and have considered NC. Just can't figure out what I want or need, and what is possible.
I'm ok with that too - there's no rush to do anything just now.

[Three Roses]

Nothing to say - just want you to know you've been heard.   

[woodsgnome]

Oscen wrote:

"I saw Elphanigh's post on this same board "No longer qualify" - saying that they have recovered so much. I noticed that E has made many posts on the forum, and decided that it could be helpful to me."

I think sometimes we think (or hope) that this journey, sometimes called recovery always happens in a linear fashion, and once we attain a certain levels or goals, then discard the notion and replace it with "I've done it". Perfectly understandable, justifiable, and an earned sense of pride can rightfully be claimed.

Those are moments of celebration, for having gotten to someplace we once thought impossible. My only deviation on that thinking is that even if the outward sense of recovery is achieved and visible in many aspects, my own experience has been that the inner wounds are prbably just as resilient as the joy at moving past the blockages.

I note this at the risk of seeming a bit of a spoil-sport or debby downer. Not my intent -- I'm just cautiously optimistic to consider that the sense of recovery might somehow retain its dramatic impact on one's life pattern and habits. I feel it has with mine. And the good news is -- not always; and sometimes it involves putting a new spin on a still old survival behavious.

I still trek onward with hyper-vigilance, for instance, but some of that once crippling hy-v attitude has shifted some of its attention to not being so content that I've 'arrived' at the promised land. While what I have gained is worth celebrating, I also remain careful in watching for) signs i might slip back. The bad news is: sometimes I do anyway, but one slip back doesn't imply my new stabs at life are failing, they might just need adjustment.

One adjustment is to keep an openness to being surprised, that sometimes I might even improve by ways I'd never suspected. This has happened during some of my current therapy (perhaps a byproduct of having a therapist who's helped me see and accept some of these other ways).

Sorry, didn't mean to rattle on  about this, but find it an interesting foray into finding and living with all the ways one might discover on their recovery journey, which isn't just a linear point a to point b trip, per my own experience (admittedly including some dead  ends).

[Not Alone]

Oscen, thank you for sharing your progress with us. The thing that sticks out to me is that whether talking about your improvements or things to be worked on, you seem to be treating yourself with kindness.