coming back to Earth

[ellachimera]

So I was flashbacking, dissociating and experiencing derealisation, in turns, for two weeks almost and now I am starting to come around. Yay me, I should post this in success/recovery, but...

As I start to feel better, I am more aware of the effect that my state has had in my social environment. I feel awkward and out of place, people look at me weirdly because I've probably been acting out for the past two weeks and I'm not well enough yet to stop, but I am well enough to realize that I am certainly not making a good impression.

It's good to be able to understand the non-verbal messages I get again, but I wish I hadn't triggered these reactions of frustration and awkward silence after I say anything. I know that in a few days people will forget about it, as no one pays attention to anyone else to that extent, but ... I can't stop myself to be frustrated by it.

My own doing, I guess, even though I couldn't control feeling the way I felt, I could've not answered that phonecall I received from M teo weeks ago and certainly I could've stopped harbouring hope that it was a friendly, non-invasive message she had for me instead of her staging me being told off and humiliated by a random stranger and herself for being the atheist I am.

I could've, but I didn't. Time to make amends.