Should I ask/tell certain friends?

[Phoebes]

Since going NC, I've been concerned over whether Nm contacted certain friends. Friends who have gone cold. Did they go cold because of me? Or did something happen?

Would it be awkward to ask? Would it be awkward to confide in these friends? Is that too much?

I'm sure that in other people's eyes, there is clearly something wrong with me/going on with me. They have no idea. But, the thought has occurred that she reached out to them. It did happen before, and I suspect more times than I'm aware. I know she's capable of that.

So far my approach has been to let it go. But there is one person in particular that this really bugs me.

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this kind of thing, Phoebes. It's a tough one.

For me it eventually came down to whose side are my friends on? Mine? or my parents'?

Fortunately a friend told me that my F had contacted her and her husband because F was 'worried' about me. It took 2 separate occasions within the space of a year maybe to really get my points across: 1) No, it's not a case of my parents being worried sick in case SI gets out of control or some such other drastic thing, because that is not a risk 2) My parents can contact me if they have some issue but they have to accept the boundaries I set and friends who give my parents information about me are undermining my boundaries.

I'm VLC, not NC. In your case it might be awkward to ask. I was told, but again, are your friends your friends or are they there to do your parents' bidding? If you can address the issue, you can at least find out where you stand. ime not knowing about a friend or a 'friend' niggles away at me and reminds me of all the gaslighting and dishonesty that when on with FOO in my childhood and later. I don't need that with friends too.

Best of luck with this.

[Phoebes]

Thank you, Blueberry. I don't think the friends I mean know anything about my situation. I think it would be presented as "worry" with the intention of sabotaging me by letting them know that she has "no idea why but I'm not speaking to her." They may think it's strange, they may think my mom is a loon, they may just think wow, Phoebes has a toxic family and want to distance themselves. Or they may believe her and think I'm bad. Most people just don't get this stuff and I don't think can fathom what's happening.

That said, I'm not sure it matters. Something within me wants them to understand. Or just wants to know. Maybe that's my dysfunction. I would like to know why they became so distant, in any case.

I did have one friend a long time ago when I was VLC get a call, and she called me and said hey your M was worried about you and called me asking if I knew where you were. (I was out of the country on a trip I had told her all about, but she obviously didn't listen.) When I got home, there were 2 irate messages on my machine. I told my friend, and she basically just said, well you might want to call her-she's worried.

[Blueberry]

Phoebes, your situation does sound similar to mine imo. My parents are incapable of understanding why I'm so VLC - I only allow email or letter contact and I certainly don't respond as quickly, frequently or in as much detail as they'd like. I send one-liners. My parents then push the sympathy button - or used to anyway. We can't understand why Blueberry doesn't want to contact us, we're soooo worried. Somebody who doesn't come from such a dysfunctional family can understand why parents would be worried and can't understand why somebody like me has to enforce such strict boundaries with FOO. I'm not alone with this, I read about this type of behaviour over at OutoftheFog too. Anyway, good luck with however you decide to proceed.

[Phoebes]

Thank you, Blueberry. At least WE understand each other! I'm grateful I'm not so alone anymore.