New diagnosis changes the lable not the damage

[Tee]

*trigger warning emotional/sexual and physical*  First time posting not really sure how the warning goes.

I've been in counseling for a while now from the start I was labeled with PTSD with dissociation and a fractured personality.  When I started there were two of me.  Initially I was seeking help cause as at 15 I was in a horribly abusive relationship with a guy that was 6 years older than me.  He manipulated, beat, and raped me for over a year.  When it was over I boxed it up tight and moved on.

I thought this was why there was two of me and why I was loosing my mind 20 years later as I was starting my own family.  When  I started into counseling My fracture was out most of the time and my box was broken.  Having worked through this trauma I stopped hiding which inadvertently made the fracture reintegrate and then I started looping getting stuck in my own head.

The thing I realized is that I initially left  when I was 6.  The thing is the person who was suppose to love me and care for me and be my mom...  We looked like the perfect family Mom, Dad, two boys, and a girl, went to church every time the doors were open.  I was never good enough, I was two when my little brother came home from the hospital and became my charge.  When I screwed up I got beat and told how dumb I was. At 6 my Best friend died in a fire my parents told in the morning.  My dad let me cry for a minute before she rushed me to get ready for school and sent me to school on the bus.  When the school called to tell her I cried all day at school I got in trouble when I got off the bus.  That's when I split myself because I couldn't see how else to survive. 

So I walked into counseling two days ago struggling with why I wasn't good enough to love my mom's horrid words looping through my head and my counselor reads me the definition of CPTSD and some symptoms and says this is what we have been dealing with this is a better diagnosis for you.  My brain just goes great a new thing to fixate on another thing to throw into my already over taxed not sleeping head to think about.    Now ?   

[Three Roses]

Hello, welcome to the forum Tee! I hope you will find us a supportive, caring and informative place. I'm so very sorry to hear about your friend and the horrible ways you've been treated! It grieves me that the child you were was treated so horribly.

Your counselor sounds informed and compassionate and I'm glad they brought up cptsd to you. I think your question, "Now?", can be answered, "Now, maybe the pieces of the puzzle will start fitting better." It can be, as you say, just "another thing to throw into my already over taxed not sleeping head to think about", or it can be the thing that ties everything else together, and puts you on a more comprehensive and helpful treatment path.

I'm not sure I've said what I mean to say in a clear and supportive way but that is how it's meant. I'm so glad you are here.

[Not Alone]

Tee,
My heart grieves for the pain you experienced as a child and teenager. I picture that little girl bearing the weight of such sadness alone and then being punished for those feelings and it makes me want to cry.

You have a lot to deal with. Sending you support and kindness.

[Feral Child]

Welcome.   

My heart breaks for what your little self went through.  You didn't deserve it. 

I hope you can find comfort and amazing information here.  This is a very safe place. 

You are not alone. 

[Tee]

Thank you trying to figure out how to stop the looping so I don't miss the rest of my life.

Daily invisible battles in a war that rages inside. My friends are amazed that I don't show what's going on?  I wear my masks well. 

But it's all wearing me down and I'm getting really tired. Thank you for the support.