That Time of Year Again

[Phoebes]

Mother's Day? That is so 2015..

No, it's my Nephew's anual performance. The one occasion a year, including all holidays, where my anxiety spikes through the roof. I have mostly avoided it and felt horrible for missing it afterwards.

This year I am going. I know Nm will be there. I plan to pop in the back and hope to avoid her. But, chances are, we will come face to face. This gives me so much dread and anxiety, but I am done letter this lack of relationship dictate ALL of the kids' stuff. I have to miss so much because of this, because she has to be there at all times, showing what a good, involved gm she is.

I do feel this brings on a form of danger-if she sees me she will be triggered, and probably stalk me again, as she has done any time there's a slight chance of contact. She sent me a note recently, the leading up to MD, easter, and this performance note..gaslighting and shaming as always, so, of course nothing has changed.

I guess if I see her I'll just act nonchalant, say hello and quickly leave. Right? I don't know...I wish I could just relax and enjoy the performance.

[ellachimera]

Hi Phoebes, I am really hoping you will be able to go and enjoy your time with your Nephew.

Don't overthink your reaction to seeing her or her reaction to seeing you. Please focus on your goal, which is to be by your Nephew's side, if you can.

Let everything else, all the emotions that might come, be water. These emotions come and go, painful though they are, but what stays is your relationship with your family.

Good luck! You are way more brave than I ever was.

[Phoebes]

Thank you ella..

I don't know..I think I've already figured out that maybe I could go to the dress rehearsal instead. I could interact more, and be focused on him, in between sets and before and after. I would not have to be so anxious. I know for my own, I like the DR's better..more relaxed and less pressure.

Do you think it would be as meaningful to him? I'm going to decide later, but I was so anxious today..I'm not so strong. I don't want to panic just before and bail, as I have before. I don't want to cross paths with Nm because she just sent a manipulative letter and it will have just been MD. I still feel she is a dangerous, control obsessed stalker.

[ellachimera]

I'd say do what and only what you feel ready to do. Breaking yourself over it won't help your Nephew, doing your best, whatever that means, will.

Even if your best is simply taking care of yourself and being able to smile at him next time you see him, if nothing else works. It's fine.
The defining moments are those that have to catch you ready and able to be there for him, I think.

I'd try to go to the DR first and see how I feel, then take it from there. Maybe you will find the courage for later. If you don't feel comfortable enough to go, please don't beat yourself up for it.

Your needs matter.