A different state of depression, maybe

[Regret]

First, I'll admit I haven't read everything on the forum about depression (and there is a lot to read) and have yet to watch the Stanford video but I noticed something different about my depression today and wanted to know if anyone else has experience the same thing.

I've known depression for 30 years, maybe 40, and the period of deepest depression for me, times I remember well, were in the 80s. Over the past 10 to 15 years, I been depressed at times but it was never as bad, as deep as the 80s but it still ended up putting me in a very bad state of mind.

Since the parental tapes left my head a few months ago, those tapes that I used to guilt and shame myself all the time, a lot has changed so much in my life is new to me. Today I felt exhausted, just wanted to sleep, had no energy or desire to do anything. After a few hours, I realized I was depressed but without the guilt or shame tapes to make me feel worse, the depression was nothing more than what seemed to be a need to take the day off, sleep and rest. I wasn't bashing myself with guilt and shame so the depression didn't put me in a very bad state of mind. I spent most of the day doing nothing, just sleeping and resting, and now I feel much better.

Am I mistaken as to what I think has happened? Or, has this been experienced by anyone else? Having discovered my cPTSD about 2 years ago, everything since then has been from a different perspective so I don't know if it is possible for depression to present itself this way.

[woodsgnome]

I'm not always sure what's actually meant by the term depression. For me it's like a huge residue of disappointment about life that just travels around and within me. Even when I think certain of my symptoms are improving, this vague sense of disappointment (about life, people, myself, etc.) seems to drag along behind me, producing that heightened sense of fatigue. Even if the old tapes aren't running or don't seem as strong, there's still that disappointed feeling, almost hidden but still there.

Even when life seems new, the disappointment residue seems to still be present. But that could also be a side effect of hyper-vigilance, and the fear of the old coming back in is what could also cause the fatigue.

I'm not sure if that's another kind of depression or just a facet of it. For sure it's one of those mysteries that often characterize what's going on.

[Regret]

Just watched the Stanford (Sapolski) video and that has me doing a complete rethink about depression, lifelong depression that I never came out of so as you say, it's been traveling with me my whole life. Being devoid of emotion, almost all of them, starting there, depression for me takes on a whole new perspective, having never come out of it when young and since then only today having bad and not so bad days of depression.

I guess for me, when triggered, what I really feel is the bad day version of depression for a day or so and recover to the not so bad state I've learned to live with, which to me are my "normal" days that, as you say, I've been dragging along with me for decades. Yes, never happy, always dreading at some low level. I hear what you are saying.

Thanks for your insight, it really made more sense to me reading it after seeing that video lecture. What you said will help me watch how I feel when reacting to a trigger. I always thought that knot in my stomach when triggered was anger, maybe it's just a bad day.

This is all so new to me and while very helpful, it's also so sad to me to learn about it, to find out what went wrong, after so much time of living with it.


Here is the video link from another topic:

https://youtu.be/NOAgplgTxfc

[Three Roses]

That really is a great video. Thanks for the reminder, after I post this I am going to watch it again.

I always thought that knot in my stomach when triggered was anger, maybe it's just a bad day.

For me, the anger I feel but suppress is the biggest cause of depressive days. Best wishes to you.

[Regret]

For me, the anger I feel but suppress is the biggest cause of depressive days.

I agree with you and thanks for putting it that way. I'm so new to all this I have a hard time explaining in words what I am going through, choosing the right words and phrases.

It's starting to make sense now, understanding the when and why I developed cPTSD. I suppress all feelings, always have since middle grade school, and anger is the only feeling that I feel these days. Anger, when triggered by something, does seem to result in a period of a deeper depressive state for me.  Looking back, it's been that way my whole life with the only difference being I no longer have the parental tapes to really be hard on myself, to beat my self up during those bad days. Over the years I have had people tell me that I am too hard on myself but never had a clue as to what they were talking about. Sadly and with regret, I do now.

It is a really sad fact to me that I have lived so long under that umbrella of depression thinking that an "average" bad day was "normal" to me and suffering through those triggered really bad days and weeks. But now I know a bit more so I hope it will help recover a bit.

I really can't remember the last day I was happy as an adult, if any, and the few happy days I had as a child that I remember I do so because they all ended with parental emotional abuse of some sort. Right now I have so much in my life that could make me, should make me happy but that is a feeling foreign to me. It really hurts to know that every minute of every day has been stolen from me by events my sister and I experienced when very young.

I have to get off this chair right now and go to the gym to work some of this off. That will take some effort because it's another very bad day for me, but now I know a bit more of why, made worse by my depressive state  being clouded with deep sadness.

[Kizzie]

Tks for including the link to the video Regret, I've started an "Info and Resources" post at the top of this thread and included it there - it really is a good talk.    

[RiverRabbit]

For me, sometimes it is like "going home".  It is the most familiar feeling, and when it is missing, it feels strange.

It's like when I am not worried about anything (a rare, fleeting event), a part of me notices and triggers me to now worry that I am not worrying enough... like, if I relax, that is when the hammer is going to drop on me.  So, relaxation is a worry-some state of mind.

I am actually more relaxed when I am worrying about something, because I feel more protected.  To throw those worries aside is actually terrifying... then I would not see "it" coming (whatever "it" is at the moment).

It is less pronounced with my depression... but depression does "feel like home"... and I feel strange when it subsides a bit.

[Regret]

For me, sometimes it is like "going home".  It is the most familiar feeling, and when it is missing, it feels strange.

... but depression does "feel like home"... and I feel strange when it subsides a bit.

This is all really something new to me today. I hear you when you say you feel strange when it subsides a bit, and the other side of that coin is when I get triggered and it gets worse, it is a very bad state to be in for however long that deeper depressive state lasts.

Knowing this, looking back at my life comparing to what Sapolski said, really makes me sad, is depressing in itself, and makes my regrets all the more hard to take, it amplifies my regrets.

[Regret]

Another strange day for me as I learn and experience simultaneously.

The knot in my stomach that I've has for the past few weeks left after my dreams of the past two nights but now I am completely exhausted. Just can't stay awake during the day, even after sleeping 10-12 hours.

Feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.

[woodsgnome]

Maybe knots, dreams, fatigue, and the weight of the world are all combining to indicate, if not an entire shift in the ongoing depression, a change in perspective? An invitation to consider possibilities going forward? And that there are hopeful signs even in the midst of the 'heaviness'.

At least that's my hope for you -- that you find some way forward. Mostly I just hope you'll find whatever you need from these overwhelming sorts of experiences. While I live with an undercurrent of depression too, at least I've found relief, but usually only at other end of some major 'bottoming out' process. That helps with the next wave, I've found. 

[Kizzie]

IME trauma eats up a lot of energy, whether it's suppressing it or dealing with it. FWIW I found when I just went with the exhaustion and let myself rest as much as I needed to after coming to grips with something I felt a lot better (than if I worried about or shamed myself for sleeping too much).   

[Regret]

Things keep changing for me the more I read posted by others.

That knot in my stomach is the first thing that happens to me when I am triggered by anything and it's near instantaneous so as soon as it appears, I don't have to go back more than a few minutes to find the trigger. I've also noticed that when triggered, my pulse jumps from the high 50s to the low 90s at the same time. I then start feeling physically ill and just want to lay down somewhere quiet and sleep.

Takes anywhere from one to 3 days to recover depending on the intensity of the trigger. Triggers for me can be as simple as reading something that makes me start to worry or a loud sound that startles me, was not expected. These may be flashbacks to events I no longer remember, I don't know since I've only been able to tie one trigger to a terribly emotional relationship I had in my late 30s that lasted about 2 years - I really got taken by a narcissist who played me like a fine violin. From my experience, I can honestly say a Fawn typology getting involved with a full blown narcissist is a road map to emotional and financial ruin.

When triggered, I try to stay grounded in the moment which can help reduce the recovery time but it still takes time.

Worry seems to be my biggest problem and being hyper-vigilant under a worry umbrella never lets me feel safe, be comfortable, enjoy life. My most used two words these days are "what next?" That seems to keep me always on edge, tense, afraid of what may happen next. That along with an unexpected gives me a stomach know, racing heart and a depressed state. And after working my way out of that state, I feel exhausted for a few more days, happy but exhausted (yes, I said happy, a feeling new to me but I now find myself happy when not in a depressive state or between depressive states).

One strange thing I've noticed when resting after being triggered, my usually empty mind (no thoughts after the parental guilt and shame tapes were erased) is filled with songs I've liked but can't get them out of my head which makes getting to sleep very difficult. Once I get most of the way out of a depressed state, the songs disappear and my mind is once again empty, quiet and very nice - no thoughts of anything. I've gone from depressed without the parental guilt/shame tapes to depressed with non-stop music playing in my head, my personal and free jukebox.

So I have two indicators of being triggered, first the physical symptoms and then the non-stop music in my head. The songs? Peaceful Easy Feeling, Take It Easy and Our House. And while I  can't get these out of my head when trying to recover from an event, as I sit here writing this, I can not play any of them in my head. What does that say. It seems the songs are filling my mind with good things to keep the parenting stuff from returning.

But, overall, it's the worry thing that bothers me, that I need to get rid of. It's probably residue from my big 3 recent events (I'd have a hard time writing in less than a book what those 3 events were and what they did to me emotionally). How they tie into my past trauma, I don't know. Recent trauma using old residue in some way to easily make me feel terrible when triggered. With this worry and hyper-vigilance, I can trigger myself by just thinking. Now isn't that just a very sad state to be in?