Loneliness - flood of tears in therapy

[johnram]

For a long time, i was shut out of my emotions.  i lived on autopilot, however this recovery journey has been changing that, and more so in the past 3/4 months through some EMDR.

I was discussing with my therapist yesterday what area we should cover next (we have a long list), and working out strong feelings, and the word "loneliness" popped into my head, and then i was suddenly scared of it, as in i felt the pain of it immediately - we agreed to go with that as the next topic, and then a memory came to my head, and i broke down crying, a deep physical cry (for me)

For me that is a big deal, i have cried during EMDR when i am deep in, but never during normal talk therapy.

In many ways, i am glad for my own bravery and change to come to this point, but i am also scared to enter this topic of loneliness as it now feels like one of the most key issues in my story, which makes sense. 

Loneliness makes complete sense as a big wound for me - my parents both used me for their needs or neglected me, my mother ran off when i was young (returned later - but any form of relationship was gone), i have made weak friendships over the years who havent cared when i needed more, and my whole journey of struggle has been very solo, part of that is the shame of it all, but also the inability to articulate to myself my pain, let alone another. 
the fact i am writing this here before i carry onward with this, and the fact i cried in the manner i did, offers me hope of change, it isnt easy these recoveries, but i dont feel i have a choice, if i want to be more than that which was given (taken away) from me

posting to share, posting for thoughts from others, but also posting because its helping me get some sense

[Not Alone]

Johnram, want you to know that I heard you. Even though painful, I'm glad you were able to express some of your feelings through tears. You are brave for the work you have done and continue to do. It is really difficult and painful work.

[Three Roses]

Yes, I hear you also. Loneliness is a huge issue! You're so courageous to be willing to look at this. Way to go! 

[johnram]

Thank you, really appreciate the support

[bluepalm]

Dear Johnram, you write: "In many ways, i am glad for my own bravery and change to come to this point, but i am also scared to enter this topic of loneliness as it now feels like one of the most key issues in my story, which makes sense."

I feel for you and I'm glad for your bravery too. I too am hovering on the edge of exploring this topic with my therapist, gathering my courage, because it's so huge and so painful an issue. I'm afraid of opening the floodgates. But I also know it's important to talk it through and allow myself to cry for an entire life of loneliness.

I remember a moment as a small child, walking out of my bedroom, with an urge to find someone, anyone, another child, another human who cared, and feeling loneliness like a painful ache inside my chest. My wish to connect with other humans was freshly acute then. But no one came to our house and inside my house I was surrounded by silent rejection and hostility punctuated by angry outbursts and physical lashing out at me. Now, towards the end of my life, I am so conscious I have walked alone, slept alone, stood alone, eaten alone, been alone in this world without protection for so many years. And I have no expectation that this will ever change. It's a central loss in my life that feels frightening to acknowledge in its entirety.

So, I really feel for you - and for me. I think crying is good. It's not fair what we had to endure. It's a deprivation of a fundamental human need and human right to human connection. I hope it helps you for me to share these thoughts. You are not alone in your struggle and I feel tears, grieving, my tears as I write this even, are essential to coming to terms with that struggle.

[johnram]

Thank you for responding Blue Palm, glad you did.
Sorry to hear you can relate so closely as i know how hard these feelings are.

The memory that is distinct for me, is waiting at school for all the other children to leave and spending time with them, and just staying behind for no particular reason, lying to the other kids why i was staying (as i lived within walking distance), watching all the other kids get collected by parents even when they lived near me, and eventually walking home on my own, slowly.  I never understood why i did this till many many years later. 

i sometimes dismiss the depth of my trauma, but then these things come up, and it reminds me that my body and senses (which are now a bit shut down) knew instinctively

hope you are fairing better these days and finding your way?

[johnram]

Found the need to continue this post, as i had a further experience. 

In therapy, during EMDR i had another breakdown again, but it was very confusing, as it was me at the age of 1 or 2, remembering not wanting to be near my dad.  I know over the years he will torment me and twist me against my mother and do other narcissistic / vile things, but i had held that sub the age of 4/5 things were "ok" with him, but the power and intensity of this memory of not being able to be near mum (she had post natal depression / was hospitalised for a long time in my early childhood, and was schizophrenic) but also not wanting to be near my dad was very strong

i am glad its finding a way out, but its knocked me down for a couple days now

sharing

[Three Roses]

 

[johnram]

thank you
appreciate it

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi John ram
Yes this has been a big area for me too and one that has had a lot of grieving, deep feelings and pain.
I can understand fear with it and for me it's been important to do that grounding and compassion work to give me a sense of safety. The adult in me is my caretaker and is my strength.. Also having a safe place to go to in my imagination are helpful.
I stopped using the phrase loneliness lately. Not because there is anything wrong with it.. It has been a way for me to articulate my pain and abandonment. More now because it feeds into the shame that there is something 'wrong with me and I'm lonely because I'm fundamentally wrong which I now know is not the case. I now call it aloneness and in that place of aloneness I get a beautiful opportunity to connect with my self love, self nurturing and universal divine that really are the places I feel part of...
Of course pain still comes up and now I cuddle up and feel it or reach out and talk about it..
Sounds you are in a good period of healing here... Its scarey but know you are supported to grow through and reach new fresh ground of hope.
I'm interested in emdr and so if u have a specific post on that I'd be interested to hear your journey (if u were sharing on it
Best wishes

[johnram]

Hi Boatsail, i have a lot to say on EMDR, and wrote a post for someone else before, so copied it here.  hope its useful:

EMDR is hard, and its very tiring, and can bring up real strong hidden feelings and events in addition to those you plan to address, so here are some of my stories to help get a sense of it, note that in 3/4 years of talk therapy i never cried with any of the 3 therapists i saw:

- i had not realised the depth of pain due to my mother leaving when i was 12, even though i had discussed it in talk therapy many a time. EMDR opened it back up, and had me in a strong fit of anger and tears, however i felt something lift later
- we regressed to when i was 1 years old, there was trauma there that had never come up in normal therapy. i cried for the trauma, but i also had happy tears knowing something was settled, it was beautiful and typing this brings that tearful joy up
- we regressed to pre the age of 3/4 and i realised that i actually had a grandfather who looked out for me, i had lost or not recognised those memories in the cloud of trauma, and it was a real blessing. Again, happy tears, and again never came up in therapy
- we are trying to also address an addiction i have had for over 20 years. I have resolved other addictions on my own before and with some therapy before, but this has been the hardest. EMDR has loosened its grip but its still hanging around.
- EMDR brought back up old ways of behaving, i got somewhat close to lapsing on one of the other addictions and that hung around for a while, this is because as others have said, it brings back up the trauma, so in turn it brings back up the ways of behaving around then, that i think is dangerous for some possibly, but i feel it was worth the risk.
- It does bring up depressive feelings, and it can wipe me out, but it has also lightened the load, i am aware of renewal through it

Anyway, i am clearly a fan and a work in progress. I read it doesnt work for everyone, but i do think its worth the effort when normal therapy hasnt worked. I regret a lot of my normal therapy, as i felt it cost a lot and spent a lot of time doing exercises for the sake of the therapists lack of knowing what to do with me. However, i am truly grateful for EMDR, it is not the miracle bullet i hoped it would be, but it has given me so much that i wasnt initially asking for, that has really helped.

hope that helps, it is a big decision, and i think for us that have struggled with normal therapy and have an assortment of traumas and coping mechanisms and defenses, it can be useful.

The big risk as i understand it, is disassociation, and splitting off - something maybe to look into before you begin. My therapist did some tests on me for it, and is sometimes cautious around it when we cover a deep topic

i have written far more than i intended, but hope this is a useful note to others looking into it.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank s John ram for sharing... Your honesty and bravery are commendable...
Yep I'd need to be confident that the therapist did enough work before any emdr sessions to contain me and work with any additional problems..
I spoke to the psychologist today and she explained that the service area I am in doesn't have emdr available but that it could be poss she negotiates with other service areas. The other modalities on offer are trauma informed cbt and dbt (I feel dbt could be a good way for me but need to find out more..
OK yep I hear you... I'm 9 yrs clean and sober and a year abstinent from eating problems... Relapsing on food would be the most at risk but not something I can do at all due to where it takes me on so many levels....

Thanks for sharing appreciate it and glad to hear overall its helping u process and clear...