An Alternative to the Forgiveness Trap ...

[woodsgnome]

I guess this could also fit in resources/articles section but I chose to place it here as I consider its topic very relevant to recovery, not just as a helpful resource.

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I've always been bothered by the word forgiveness and its associations. While I understand it's not meant to fully condone or accept an abuser's actions, it still felt like an imposed sort of default to let perpetrators off the hook, while the victims are still left with confusion, heartbreak, and continued feelings of unworthiness.

Well, I recently stumbled into an alternative word I find easier to handle; one that doesn't have so many negatives that the force-fed term forgiveness can trigger in me. The substitute word -- unburdening -- is nicely explained in the following article:

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/why-i-dont-use-the-word-forgiveness-in-trauma-therapy-0120164

If you're also bothered by the harm that the term forgiveness can generate, you might find it of interest. If you do look it up, be sure to check out the comment section at the bottom of the page. Some of the responses may well resonate with your own feelings. 

[Not Alone]

Thanks for sharing this article. I printed it to have on hand. Even though I understand that forgiveness isn't saying that what was done was okay, it still feels like a burden when I am told that some day I will need to forgive. Like what Pollock said, "I understand unburdening as a letting-go process. That is, letting go of the power the trauma has over a person, expressing and releasing anger and other strong emotions about what happened without criticism or expectation of what needs to come next." (italics mine)

[Feral Child]

Wow!  As I was browsing through the forums, I saw this and knew I had to take a look.  What a useful article!

Thank you woodsgnome.  This was very timely information for me.  I have spent so much time trying to even understand what forgiveness means.  I've asked so many people what they mean by forgiveness.  I never heard anything that I could embrace or as something I could see myself achieving.  It all sounded too much like saying my pain and anguish didn't matter.

I know for certain I'm nowhere near "forgiving" my mother for all the cruelties she inflicted on me.  But I am trying to work toward managing the past and forging a stronger "me" for the future. 

[woodsgnome]

Hi, feral child; glad you found the alternative approach to forgiveness to be of use.

I should mention something else I came up with, as I was always looking at ways to somehow abandon (un-burden) altogether what never worked (as in saying forgiveness for something not my fault or blindly accept what was done to me to the point of terror). To me that only kept my mind stuck to all the ways I really, deep down, couldn't wholly forgive; at least if I wanted to be at peace with myself. So having the other 'un-burdening' approach described in the linked article was a good start.

I still felt i wanted to go further, beyond even the un-burdening marker. My way of going about this relates to how I picture my life. There's the neutral 'doing' part, which consists of one's daily actions to get on with life's immediate tasks.

To me, though, there's a second part I like much better. Some call it the heart, which to me represents the place where I keep my highest values present and from which I prefer to live my life now. I call it my 'being' self; even my 'doing' parts I like to relate somehow to and visions I keep with of my heart/being self. sand in the end seems crucial -- to remain true to the core values reflected in my 'being' self. In the end the rancor and lonely bitterness has to somehow find an outlet; beyond the shallowness of what I call the forgiveness trap.

As hinted, the 'being' self is identified with the present. Yes, I do have the emotions, sorrows, and awful wounding still running amok in my life, but for now I know and respect my integrity -- my heart of 'being' -- more than anything. And within my being I can still choose to forgive like in the old automatic style, but that would seem so lame, it's apt to make me feel worse in the long run. Or -- having unburdened the old story in my own unique way,
Rather it's from the heart -- from my 'being' now; present to what I'm about in my present life, not stuck back where I wished only to disappear.


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[Kizzie]

Beautifully put Woodsgnome.   

I was watching some of the D Day coverage and as always I was struck by the trauma evident in their faces, their tears over difficult memories and emotions that have not gone away in 75 years - time does not heal all wounds. It's hard to watch and yet as a society we believe it's necessary. 

No-one asks them to let go of the past, to forgive and forget. Instead we purposely remember and honour what they went through, rejoice in their survival, commiserate in their losses and ours, and celebrate our democratic freedoms. 

Perhaps an international day of recognition for survivors of abuse/neglect and the terrible and lasting toll it takes on individuals and societies, a day in which we all clearly acknowledge and remember our trauma and are supported, validated and yes even honoured for surviving the unthinkable is not too far fetched an idea.

I can dream ....

[Three Roses]

I will join you in that dream, Kizzie....