Running out of steam

[Oscen]

I often go through cycles of relative clarity and energy, before running out of steam and getting lost in the fog. My mind and thinking go fuzzy and I start to struggle with day-to-day stuff, particularly work, and it all starts to feel like I'm struggling to survive. Then I claw myself out of this again, either by waiting for it to pass naturally (and possibly not even being conscious that I've gone under), or sometimes when I notice and give myself a little more self-care. I often make plans about skills and projects that I want to work on, breaking down goals into habits (making smaller), or focusing on long-term benefits (big picture thinking), but neither seem to work when I hit that shutdown and go into survival mode - I no longer trust my right to try to improve myself, no longer trust that my plans have a chance of working, and I switch into just getting by.

It seems to go in cycles of two to six weeks of positive energy and clarity, and about three to eight weeks negative, though I've never documented this. I think the negative cycle can be extended even further if I'm in work or study where I feel lost or isolated - maybe even months on end before a holiday or break recharge my batteries. I guess a mood journal would help, so I'll look into finding a lockable word processing app, as I've never liked the idea of leaving documents about my thoughts and mental condition lying around. I have journalled a bit in the past so getting back into that positive habit would probably help with the fog as well. I think journalling will be particularly helpful if I use it to pay attention to the triggers/warning signs that lead to the dark phase/shutdown cycle. Some triggers this time were: not catching up with my work notes so they built up and overwhelmed me; going away for a long weekend with my partner to stay with his family (which was really nice, just took energy); and receiving some (slightly) negative feedback from a client that blindsided me because she had seemed satisfied.

I think this must be really common to find your energy and clarity rolling in waves, even amongst people who don't suffer form CPTSD. But I think for us it's super-important to monitor and understand.  Although I enjoy journalling, I was reluctant to use it in a regimented way to keep track of moods and triggers, etc, as it seems like another habit that I'll drop as soon as I'm struggling. However, I think it's probably a good option to at least consider. Who else has this issue (energy/happiness in up-and-down cycles), and what are your strategies for managing it?

[Rainagain]

I've noticed this too.

I think I've noticed a 'natural' variation where mood slowly rises and falls over some weeks.

This gets impacted by stress events which immediately lower mood and they take ages to pick up from.

It's not as marked as I think bipolar is meant to be, my guess is it's to do with my disturbed sleep which fluctuates over time and this sets the tone for everything else.

[Blueberry]

Oscen, it sounds as if that's maybe an EF or possibly recurring EFs. That's how things used to be for me much of the time. I'm sorry I don't have any more energy to write about it rn but I'm standing with you.

[Oscen]

Hi Rainagain, sounds very much like my mood cycle. Stress builds up for me too and then sets me off into a low phase. 

Hi Blueberry, yes, I think it is EFs. Generally, a bit of stress and guilt builds up, next a few triggers go off, and then I'm basically underwater for anywhere up to a matter of weeks, months, or even years. I'd never heard of them until recently but then a had a lightbulb moment. I'd always thought thought flashbacks were visions of things that had happened to you; I didn't know they weren't necessarily visual, and could be overpowering emotions that are triggered but not caused by your current situation. Makes a lot of sense.  I'm currently looking for a therapist who really gets trauma, so I hope to explore EFs more and get some support trying different coping strategies.

[Horse78]

Hi all,

What are EFs? Executive function?

I don't have any major tips for you Oscen. One thing I have had to accept is that I will have one day a week where I am just depressed, hopeless. It passes. And it's brought on by the working week and it's demands, and being a parent - just life. So I've shortened my week to 4 day week, and have to accept that I need a day off to rest and self care - no housework, no socialising, no major committments - even a trip to the superstore down the road might be too much. I rest, and meditate and make sure I at least eat something. That's where I'm at, and the next day, I am recharged and more positive and get on with whatever needs my attention. Yesterday was my low day, today I'm doing constructive tasks without powering through - even mood.

Best

Horse

[Oscen]

Thanks Horse.

EFs are emotional flashbacks. I never knew that a flashback could be anything other than an image of a past traumatic event, but it seems I often get triggered and go into these flashbacks of feeling very young and frightened. It makes time just disappear and my cognitive abilities go with it. Seems to be closely related to rumination & dissociation for me.

Self care is great advice. I've already quit my conventional job and gone freelance and am able to structure my working week as I want it and avoid a stressful office environment, which has made a big difference. Getting a good night's sleep, exercising, having regular meals and then time for relaxation, socialising and fun have all been important and I occasionally let them slip, with varying consequences.

[Rainagain]

Wow,

'It makes time just disappear and my cognitive abilities go with it.'

That is amazing, I'm on the waiting list for some sort of epilepsy tests because I have the exact same thing, I call them lost time episodes. I wonder now if they are actually EF's?

Mine last less than an hour and when they end no real time has passed as far as I am aware, it's like time jumps forward, they just leave a gap in my day which I dont tend to notice.