My mother ignoring me again

[Oscen]

After much internal debate, I sent my mother an email in February saying that I wasn't happy with our relationship, etc. She left it three weeks before replying and during that time, I felt like she was toying with me and decided that what I really wanted was no contact. However, I was still thinking about how to implement it when I received a reply from her. In it, she said all the "right things"; that she was getting counselling and wanted a more meaningful relationship with me. Of course, she didn't take responsibility for anything, suggest a way to change anything, or even ask me any questions, actually. I gave no reply, as part of me felt joy to read the email, and part of me felt mistrust and fear. I really want no contact, but it feels very dramatic.

My mother is probably a narcissist, but very covert. At times, I think she just has a very bad case of fleas from her own mother, which she has never taken the responsibility upon herself to own up to and shake. We have never had any real depth or meaning or reliable contact in our relationship. She's not (noticeably) abusive to me, she's simply distant, absent even. I feel discarded by her, really, and just wish that I could discard her and the disappointing relationship once and for all, so that I'm not waiting for her to pick me up again, when and as she feels like. I'm like a doll that she's not interested in playing with much these days. She doesn't seem to like me when I'm being me; I must dance on a tightrope to get any warmth or approbation from her, by anticipating what she wants from me and giving it to her - validation, reassurance, voicing her own opinions for her to agree with - but not too much! If I speak too much, she gets irritated and cuts me down, even if she absolutely 100% agrees with me. Trying to speak with her Is extremely draining, and I feel like I'm on edge the whole time, waiting for her to smirk and sneer at me and dismiss me.

I have received another email from her today, acting as if nothing has happened, giving me the usual update about what's going on in her life. It was absolutely not what I wanted or expected when I sent the original email telling her that I'm not happy with our relationship - that we would just carry on behaving the same way to one another. I am not completely surprised however - I did not tell her what I wanted or was expecting, and it is very much her usual pattern of behaviour anyway; to ignore something I've said because she doesn't like it.

I'm thinking how to proceed. I made sure I didn't waste my precious time reading her email carefully - just skimmed it to see what it was about. It felt like such an effort, such a transgression, to send her the first email saying I wasn't happy. I thought it would set something in motion. Now I'm back at square one, just because she doesn't feel like changing in any way. It sucks that it has to be so much effort for me every time - deciding how to respond to her, thinking what I want, what is possible, the best way to go about it. It all looks just normal enough from the outside that if I did what I really wanted - cut her out so I'm not wasting emotional energy like this anytime she wants to drop one of her sporadic pellets of attention on me - it would be very difficult to explain. I suppose I am still growing in confidence to the point where I can do what feels right for me, and that is enough. It's hard though. She looks good on the surface; looks like a glossy photo of a great mother. It's hard to voice that under the sheen, it's all hollow. I'm not really sure how to proceed.

[Oscen]

I'm feeling a bit better about how to proceed after journalling, reading lots of other posts about low and no contact, and processing.

I realised:
a) I don't need a solution right now
b) I don't need to do anything at all
c) even if I want to do something, I can change my mind; and
d) I didn't like the way I slipped into negative loops of thoughts prompted by the email, so I realised I can't change my M; I've got to change my reactions.

Taking the feeling of urgency away helped me calm myself. I don't have to respond and will probably just leave it for the time being.
I still feel weary, perhaps because I've allowed my negative thinking to spike, but I am mindful of it so that's a step forward.
The email itself was not abusive, just self-centred, and about what's going on with my parents and sisters.
Because of the triangulation over the years, I don't have much contact with my sisters, so I am happy to be updated by my M. She didn't talk them down so that's ok.

And I'll just leave it for now.

[Three Roses]

Wonderful insights! Thanks for sharing 

[WideSargassoSea]

Im having a difficult time, and just wanted to thank you for your post. It gave me insight into my own FOO issues, rang a lot of bells, and your follow up post helped me to realise some things too. I hope you are doing well and moving on with your life in good ways.