Banned from FOO for almost 5 years

[Healing Finally]

Hello all 

It's been a long time since I've posted.  I have done a lot of work to understand my CPTSD since I discovered it a few years back (thanks to OOTF and OOTS.)  I've made a lot of progress, and of course some days are better than others.

But, as I continue to be banned from my FOO (going on 5 years,) I still struggle.  I know I am not responsible and am being scapegoated, and even though I know this has been the pattern ALL MY LIFE; I keep thinking the situation could change, but there is no sign.

Currently I've been in a CPTSD emotional flashback for almost 2 weeks, due to receiving an email from a cousin that I THOUGHT understood "my side" of the story.  But, after talking to my Mother, out of the blue he sends me a damming email shaming me, and it sent me reeling.  I can't seem to shake it.  I have all the books CPTSD help books,  I know what's going on, and yet I still feel miserable, 

Also, Just a few weeks ago my nephew (sister's son) graduated from college.  The family all went to the graduation and my son hosted a special dinner at his restaurant for the event.  But, of course I was not invited.  My son says that both my sister's sons love and miss me but they do not contact me due to my sister's wishes.  This was traumatic, to be sure, to not be able to meet my son's new girlfriend that he introduced to the family, and not be able to celebrate with them.  But what gets me the most is the ongoing gaslighting and lies that continue behind my back.

My Mother has always enabled my (u)NPD sister, and I'm very sure my sister's disorder is due to my Mother's need to be emotionally tied to her.  What ever my sister says, my mother believes.  5 years ago I hit my limit and sent an angry email that got circulated within my family.  I've had no way to defend myself and no one doubts the motive that my sister and Mom have determined (that I have always been jealous of her.)  Come to find out my CPTSD was triggered by my witnessing my sister's selfish behavior and I lashed out.  When it happened I apologized in multiple letters to her, and to my family. But as my sister refuses to talk to me, my Mother supports her not allowing me to be at family events.

I have met with my Mother and therapist three times to help my Mother to see "my side" and she does when she leaves but forgets very quickly after.  She has her own CPTSD due to her being raised by a narcissistic mother and honestly she cannot see the abuse she receives from my sister, again probably due to her need to be emotionally tied.  If I ever try to point it out, she chalks it up to my  jealousy.  She told my cousin that I always felt that my Dad loved my sister more than me and that's why I'm jealous.  I have never felt this way, and never said this.  ARRRGGHHH 

I honestly just don't know how to protect myself anymore.  I am doing LC with my Mom, even though I love her very much; but her inability to support me is extremely difficult to be around.

I can't get my work done, I'm sleeping all the time, and pretty much completely shut down.  I see no hope.  HELP. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, hf,

i can relate to a lot of what you're talking about.  the whole foo thing is worse than anything else in some ways, or so it seems to me.  my sister has not spoken to me in over 25 yrs.  my oldest d has abused me for many, many years, since she was young, and i finally had to go nc w/ her nearly 5 yrs. ago.  i have long since separated myself from family and friends who i've found to be unhealthy to be around.  my latest casualty was my ex bff, over 20 yrs. of friendship, until i was able to see more clearly how unhealthy the relationship was for me.  it's rough, no doubt.

i'm very sorry you're having to go thru this.  please remember, it's not your fault.  someone has told me, and i hang onto this for dear life, that while they may also be damaged/wounded, they've had opportunities just like we have regarding their behaviors towards us.  you've apologized, you're working toward being a healthier individual, and you've not treated others the same way they've treated you.  you've made choices to be a better person in spite of your wounding, while others haven't.  there's nothing we can do for them, nothing we can do to change their behaviors. 

i'm very glad for you, tho, that you have chosen a path of recovery, of health and wellness, even w/o the support of your family.  that shows a lot of fortitude, strength, and courage.  please know that we are here for you even if they aren't.  there isn't a day that goes by where my heart isn't broken anew because i've had to eliminate my d from my life, but i know that my heart would hurt much, much more if i allowed her in.  i must always remember that, and i hope you can, too.

hang tough, hf.  we're hangin' right beside you.  love and hugs.

[Dee]

There are certainly parts of this I could have wrote myself.  Ostracism is cruel.  I haven't talked to my sister in a year.  Her children and grandchildren are the largest part of my family.  I limit contact with my mom and when I do talk to her she fills me in on everything I was excluded from.  For sure, if I received an email like the one you received I would be huge emotional flashback.

I try to remind myself that I CAN choose my family.  Also, if not related I would have never chose them to be my family.  I once sat down and did 11 grief letters then shared them with my therapist.  After talking about it, it did help me accept the situation I am in.  My sister once told me that she is so busy explaining why she is right that she doesn't consider the other person's perspective.  I had hope with that insight and it was forgotten quickly by her.

I've come to the conclusion that until she is wiling to work on herself I am better off without her.  Unfortunately, that means I no longer have a relationship with anyone.  I try very much try to remember how horrible I felt when we were talking.  With the control, mean statements, and ridicule that I suffered.  I realize I actually have less bad days of feeling left out than I did when we were talking and I took the abuse.

I am sorry this is happening to you.  I get the gut wrenching sadness that comes with it.