Lost Relationship

[madison27]

Hello,

This is my first time on this forum, and I'm so glad I found it. I struggled with chronic health problems from ages 13-17, and was often hospitalized/afraid. During this period of time, several of my close family members became severely ill with one chronic illness or another, and I felt a complete loss of trust in my own physical, emotional, and financial well-being. In college, I was in an abusive situation, and felt unable to remove myself from the situation due to a lack of funds to transfer colleges.

I am currently in a much more positive environment, and feel like I have the opportunity to explore my own talents and passions again. I have made some wonderful friends and generally my relationships are very positive. At the beginning of this year, I felt so overwhelmed by all of the peace that I felt from not having a chronic illness or being in an abusive situation, and I felt more hopeful about my life than I have in ten years (I am now 23). I started graduate school in a field that I love, and surrounded myself with activities that I have always enjoyed but been too sick to complete regularly, such as running and sailing. I began a new, wonderful relationship with a guy whom I respect very much. It started wonderfully, and it felt very healthy (e.g., not co-dependent) and I was filled with a genuine care for this person that I haven't felt for anyone to date. We share very similar world views/beliefs, as well as similar hobbies and passions. I was honestly surprised that I had found someone who so closely aligned with what I have always held very dear to my heart.

After a couple months of dating this individual, I found myself suddenly overwhelmed in a negative way by all of the "good" that was in my life. I became extremely fearful that I would lose it all, and felt panicked and that I had to "earn it" somehow. This had extremely negative repercussions on my relationship. He expressed that he felt like he thought he was "falling in love with me" at one point, and instead of being happy about this development, I practically demanded that he tell me that he DEFINITELY loved me, or not say anything at all. Initially, he seemed surprised by my reaction, but remained supportive and caring. However, I continued to hound him, and push him to express something that he did not feel comfortable expressing with certainty yet. I felt that if I didn't receive a totally positive confirmation of his feelings for me, I would surely lose him. He became more distant, and as he did so I became clingy, dependent, and afraid. I became obsessed with thinking about how to fix our relationship, instead of focusing on graduate school and the other many wonderful things in my life. I became a totally different person; I have always been very committed to my schoolwork and other hobbies, but suddenly I lost focus. Even though I maintained my grades, he could sense that there was a lack of balance in how I saw the relationship.

He and I work together, so we saw each other every day naturally, but I also became smothering. I wanted to control how he spoke to me/felt about me/treated me at all times, as I felt that whatever he was doing was somehow unjust. I felt like I was a victim, and I can now see that I clearly was not whatsoever. Due to my sense that I needed to "earn" this positive relationship, I started trying to be a certain way around him. I sacrificed my own natural personality - what attracted him to me initially - and started acting really unnaturally around him, as well as extremely unconfident.

We ended up taking a "break" by his suggestion, as he stated that he "had really strong feelings for me at one time, and these will return if they're meant to." Instead of taking this natural opportunity for growth and reflection, I only became more panicked at the lack of control in my life and tugged harder.

Eventually, after pushing his boundaries several times, he broke up with me, and I don't blame him at all. I could not understand why I seemed to fall off the deep end in this relationship and become this other person that I didn't recognize. When listing factors leading to our break up, he stated that I acted "really unconfident" around him, and also that we just don't seem to be "for each other." Though it's been several weeks, it is still so painful to me because I believe he truly was starting to fall in love with me - as I am in my most natural state - and that he believes that we are not right for each other because I developed such anxious tendencies and frankly became a person that I didn't even recognize. Even though I could see that I was acting irrationally in the moment, I didn't know how to stop it. My family had suggested that I perhaps had PTSD, and was processing the last difficult ten years retroactively, now that I am in a "safer emotional environment." I associated PTSD with flashbacks, so I did not believe that this was the case. However, when I discovered websites about C-PTSD, I wept - they so accurately describe the problems that I've been having in the past several months. Since I discovered information about C-PTSD, I feel as though I have been able to get a sense of self back, in part I believe because I have realized that some of my behaviors were uncontrollable and not just inherent problems with my character that I had never been aware of. However, I have lost the relationship now, and it's so hard for me to think that perhaps this guy and I would have been a wonderful match for each other, were it not for the interference of C-PTSD.

I am so sorry for everyone who is going through this condition, as it truly can be disabling in some of the most painful ways. When human relationships are affected like this, it is just so painful. I wish there was some way to explain to this guy that these symptoms that he saw were NOT me, but I am beginning to accept that I likely damaged him so badly that there is no return possible.

Has anyone had an experience where a relationship was damaged (badly) due to C-PTSD, and then repaired? I'm so new to all of this (I learned about C-PTSD for the first time about a week ago), but I want to educate myself as much as possible, so that no more relationships are damaged.

Thank you,

S.

[C.]

Hello Madison and welcome,

I am so sorry about what happened with your relationship. 

I am heartened to see that you are young and already becoming aware of yourself, especially your C-PTSD.  It seems you have more time to re-learn some important life skills that, at 49, though possible, is simply different. 

I think you now know that what you went through of changing your person and behavior in response to fear and anxiety is a common reaction by people w/C-PTSD.  I really like the quote a "normal" (anxiety, fear) response to an "abnormal" (childhood abuse in whatever form) situation.

What you describe sounds like a form of an emotional flashback related to abandonment.  As soon as someone was "attaching" to you, you reacted in the only way you knew how, with anxiety & fear.  The anxiety and fear may lead to unpleasant behaviors for the other person.  In my experience this is often related to early experiences of abandonment.  A common attachment style for people who've suffered abandonment is "anxious."  There is some great information online about adult attachment styles and it's the origins. 

It looks like you're pretty new to the forum and there's a topic that's been dedicated to attachment and attachment styles.  It's in the general discussion board entitled "Let's talk about problems with attachment to other people."  Likely the man you describe had a "healthy" attachment style so he was quite uncomfortable and puzzled by your reactions.

Finally, whatever helps to give you as much peace and closure as possible in that situation I'd say go forward.  If writing about your new awareness and understanding helps, then sharing that with him in a letter or conversation is an option you might find more healing.  Often healthy people respond quite positively to such actions, so it could be quite validating and affirming for you.  Plus help educate him, irregardless of the outcome of you relationship.

Best of luck and healing in your process of recovery.  For me C-PTSD is difficult and unpleasant but it brings with it a heightened sense of awareness, empathy and sensitivity that can be used positively as well.