ch. 5 -- looking forward

[Sceal]

I have no words of comfort today, San. Just know, I'm thinking of you. 

[sanmagic7]

thank you all, you beautiful people.  still a little wobbly, but better today.  more later.  love you all   

[Tee]

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, tee, for those extra hugs of support.  i love them, i really do.  the idea that it's ok to be afraid is still quite foreign to me.  haven't had a lot of experience w/ feeling fear.  it's probably the alexithymia - i just didn't feel afraid most of the time, more like 'well, this is a new adventure - let's see where it goes and whatever happens, i'll deal with it'.  a few times i remember a note of fear creeping in for some reason, i just brushed it away.  it's never been a very big thing in my life, except that underneath everything i used to be terrified of first doing something that would cause my father to send me away from him (he was god to me) and second of losing my npd D, until i realized that i'd lost her a long time before i finally went nc w/ her.  those were 2 conscious times i felt terror inside me.

for the most part, tho, fear has not been a factor in my life (altho w/ stuff opening up now, i can more readily grasp times when i probably was afraid but ignored it),  until i got to this forum and began reconnecting the wiring in my brain.  there have been a few times now when i've been able to write here that i was afraid because something was happening, and i still don't know how people who have been afraid all their lives have managed to live with that feeling.  it's so horrible.  thanks for telling me it's ok, even tho i want to close the door on that and pretend it isn't true. 

3r, what can i say?  turning my words on me like that - i know, i know, i've done the same.  still, you know what i mean!  thank you for all your support, from the very beginning.  you have been so warm, kind, and caring, and help me feel that i'm not alone, too.  i am reminded to 'trust the magic', and that definitely applies here.  i know what you're saying is true, logically, but it's still hard to feel it.   it's almost like babies playing peek-a-boo.  when the person hides their face, the baby thinks they've disappeared.  i have that about me still, so i appreciate seeing those words again and again.  hopefully, one day, i'll be able to feel your there-ness even w/o seeing you.

db, you, too, help me to feel that i'm truly not alone, and i'm so grateful for that, and for you.  thank you for your lovely words, thoughts, and beliefs about me.  i can't tell you how much it means to me.

moonbeam, your words struck a chord, especially about the jaggedy pieces we've built our lives on.  it's so true, it's all so true.  what kinds of indomitable spirits do we possess that have kept us alive, allowed and encouraged us to still be her even when facing an enormity of unknown?  and you mentioned the trees - i have lived among the trees since i was a little girl - there was a woods a few blocks from my house growing up, i went to the nearby park nearly daily during the summer, i took advantage of nature trails where i used to live, and now i have a temperate rainforest as my backyard, and i feel at home.  i believe that if i had another life, it would have been as a member of a woodland tribe.  yes, they've always felt comfortable to me.  i love that you had such a wonderful experience among trees.  they are breathtaking, beautifully breathtaking.

thank you so much, also, for your validation of my being - sovereign - that was wondrous to read.  i think trees help me feel grounded, especially when i feel floaty.  thank you for showing me that connection with you - it feels valuable.

i'm still recovering from my experience of the other day, am still quite teary and feeling a bit weak.  the idea that all my life the underlying belief of not being accepted for who i am showed quite clearly to me, and it's true that i've never really felt like i belonged anywhere.  i was often on the fringes of groups, somehow different even when i was, in fact, a part of their group and they made it clearly known.  but, too often (back in the days) , i could feel myself separated from them, even paranoid about what they might be saying about me. 

so, i'm resting a lot, having a difficult time, still, with this new concept.  like mb said, don't know what will fill in the new, now that the old is exposed for what it is.  it rattles my brain.  i want to deny it's true, but the evidence, my behaviors, is still there.  i can logically say they were survival behaviors, but that puts forth the question, was i really that fragile all my life that i had to develop layers and layers of make-believe, pretend, stories to explain things i didn't want to believe?  i feel like i've created a fairy-tale of a life, one that i sometimes can't remember what is truth, what i made up, and what i knew but that was kept hidden from me thru lies, deceit, and denial.

so i'm in the twilight zone of not really knowing everything, knowing some things, and not wanting to know other things.  ugh!   it's not a fun place to be.  i'm feeling pretty raw right now, honestly, not sure where to go from here, which direction to face.  i know what worked before, but i don't think it'll work anymore, so i'm operating under a new paradigm, but one that i don't recognize, and have no resources to investigate it, no prep to be comfortable in it. 

thank you all again.  love and hugs all over the place.  you're wonderful!

[Tee]

  your path is always infront of you, you just have to take the next step no matter how small. We will be here to help you up if you fall.  Don't worry. You can do this!

[sanmagic7]

thanks, tee, for that encouragement.  profoundly needed to know, to hear it once again.   

and sceal, just wanted to say that by you showing up, i knew your support was there, and i loved it.  thank you. 

[sanmagic7]

this energy blockage journey is taking more of a toll than i thought it might.  woke up this morning very tired, took a long nap, and later snoozed in the living room.  but when i woke up my muscles were so tense and tight, they hurt.  a hot shower and a smudge helped with that, and i feel better now.

i heard my d talking about someone with a lot of anger, and suddenly she stopped herself, said she didn't want to talk to me about them anymore cuz she didn't want to paint them as bad - she used the word 'villainize'.  i told her i didn't think of them that way, that they were just messed up.

later i thought of my own feelings of hate for my ex, and realized that these come out of our pain.  if we weren't in pain, we wouldn't be thinking or talking like this.  she's not a vengeful person, not a hating person, but she is in a lot of pain, and i could see how that would color feelings and words.  and i was able to transfer that to myself, and it made sense. 

i've never hated anyone in my life, until this stuff w/ my ex, but no one has ever, ever hurt me the way he has.  not only to me personally, but thru my d's.  that pain is so intense, no wonder the feelings are equally intense.  i don't know exactly what, how, or if there's anything to do about that, so i'm just going to let it be for now.  i don't know if i've ever consciously thought of myself being in pain like that before.  dang, this getting to know my emotions is a roller coaster, thrills and chills, but not too much fun.  it's more like every turn is on the verge of being out of control, ready to spill me out of the cart with disastrous results.  that's hard to admit - it's as close to being real about this as i've felt, or at least i think so.  i'm not sure anymore.

[Tee]

Progress can be scary.  Sounds like progress though.  Hugs hope you have a good night and get some peaceful rest.

[sanmagic7]

thank you, tee, for your support.  it is much appreciated.     i hope it is progress - right now it's just kind of mucky.

[Hope67]

Just sending you a warm hug    Hope your muscles are feeling some relief - I know they were sore before. 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, hope, for that hug - it's loverly.  my muscles do feel better - a hot shower helped loosen them up.

i'm feeling so confused, emotional reality is coming back in some places, denial is leaving some spots, and i keep going over and over the same things i know i've gone over a million times before.  tonite i saw a show w/ a missing kid, the shrink was talking about how this kid didn't feel safe, had to one he could rely on, and it swooped me back to my childhood, and i could admit that i lived in fear all the time, fear of my father's rejection. 

i know i've said this before, probably many times, but it felt clearer, more concrete tonite.  my dad's rejection, which i know was a real fear - there may have been pre-verbal messages, i don't know, but i do know that when i got older, yes, he told me he'd send me away, so i know it was the thing i feared most growing up - his displeasure.  his physical rejection.  i feel like i have to write this once again - maybe this will be the time that 'takes', that allows me to finally let it go, let it stay in my childhood where it belongs.  i don't know anymore.

i had no fear, or so it seemed, for most of my life, altho little glimmers would show themselves, but they'd be so quickly brushed away that i didn't even count them.  part of my pretending?  my altered reality to retain my sanity?  i just don't know anymore.  it seems like this stuff is spiraling right now, and i don't know if i've been telling stories all this time or what.  maybe more later.

[Tee]

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, tee, for the hug.  it was a welcome sight this morning.   

woke up thinking about all this and have decided i have to let this be.  there is no way i can possibly sort thru it all, can't really tell what was real, what i made up, and i have to quit trying or i really will go insane.  i can't afford to do that - i've got to stay alive and viable for my d - i don't want to have her taking care of an incontinent old woman who's lost her marbles. 

this is very sad to me, like a death of sorts.  not knowing the reality of an entire life.  the jumble of pretends, stories, warped ways to perceive somethign so as not to go mad - the idea that covert emot. neglect can cause this is, well, i don't have the words.  someone else has written about not having the overt abuse to contend w/ and wondering if they belonged here, if it was bad enough.  i know it was.  you don't have to be phsically abused in any way, shape, or form to spend an entire life utilizing def./survival mechanisms just to get from one day to the next w/ your sanity intact.

so, i have to let my past go - it was what it was, i can't change it, i can't untangle the reality from the falsehoods anymore.  not possible, and i could drive myself insane by continuing to try.  so, i'll mourn who i was and what i did, and concentrate on moving forward.  hmmm . . . that's what i named this journal originally - it's taken me all these pages, all these words, to get to where i was.  time to start a new journal, i guess.  i can only move forward if i concentrate now on twitching out my feelings, being careful about making things up, and living for today instead of yesterday.  i don't need to go there anymore.  it's done, i'm done.   haha - we'll see if that sticks!  sounds good on paper, tho.

[Tee]

It does sound good on paper it would be so much easier it the past would stay out of my head.  🙂

Good luck San,. Sounds like a new step forward.