blackaltis07's journal

[blackaltis07]

Well it's all (finally) over! I saw my therapist and told her how worked up over my grades becoming available at the end of this week and she suggested waiting until after the holiday to look at them just in case the news was bad and it spoiled my Christmas. I ran this idea past my wife and she assured me that whether or not I passed that class or not whether or not I finished my associate's degree or not, she was proud of me and that I did not need to worry about her being upset. The only thing I needed to worry about was my own reaction. That made me feel better about things so I went to bed last night and got the best night's sleep I've gotten in quite a while.

I checked my grades around noon today, and even though they weren't supposed to be posted until midnight tonight, they were there. And I passed everything! This means that I have my degree, and I can move on to the four year school next month knowing that I have that achievement under my belt. And now I have something extra special to be proud of myself about this holiday, as earning this degree took every ounce of strength that I had and had even quite literally sent me to the psych ward.

The funny thing is, that even though I've been very much relieved all day, I feel like there's a hole where the anxiety has been for so long. I don't know how else to describe it. I'm beyond grateful for the relief, but this feeling of something being missing is so odd. Perhaps another good night of sleep will get rid of it.

Yay!

[Three Roses]

Yay, indeed! 

[Blueberry]

 

[sanmagic7]

congrats on quite an accomplishment!  yay, you!     

and what a wonderful attitude your wife had about it all.  kudos to her as well.

i think that anxiety hole will pass with time as you become more comfortable with knowing what you've done.   big hug to you.

[DecimalRocket]

It's a miracle to be able to get a degree even with all the trauma you've experienced. I'm a student and I can relate how difficult it is to go on with the circumstances. Now you're my inspiration! PS : Can you sign an autograph, my hero?

[blackaltis07]

I'm back. I was doing a little better for a while and I guess I forgot to update but things have been eating away lately so I'm writing again...I wanted to post sooner but as is typical of me, once I step away from something for a while feel like I'm not welcome when I come back. But I need to get this down.

Just around the time I finished at the community college I started applying for part-time jobs. Unemployment ran out; I was on it for the past year while I was at the community college. I was on tuition waivers while collecting unemployment from my last horrible job, and I am eternally grateful that I was able to essentially be able to be paid to go to school for a year and not worry about anything. But I knew that once that ran out, and I transferred to the four-year school, I would need to find a part-time job to support myself and my family, PTSD or not. So I applied everywhere. I ended up starting with a very well known coffeehouse chain (I'm sure you can guess which one), and have been there every since right after Christmas. They were the only ones to even call me back.

I was stressed right from the start. I'm older than the 20 and 21 year olds that work at this store, so right off the bat I don't fit it, and on top of that, the learning curve is huge. The work is extremely fast paced. I guess I should have known that from being a customer of this particular store myself, but I needed a job fast and this was the only one that was offered to me. But no one talks to me and everyone treats me like I'm weird. It's like they can tell something is wrong with me.

And if they couldn't before, they sure can now. On my way to school, on the first day of school no less, I was in a pretty serious car accident. Whatever progress I made between Christmas and then as far as managing my PTSD symptoms evaporated in an instant. I've been a nervous wreck ever since. I wasn't hurt, and although the car ran, it needed thousands of dollars or repair. I pulled my heavily damaged car into the store parking lot and asked the store manager if I could speak to her. I just wanted to let her know that I had anxiety issues and that the car accident I was just in stirred them up, so If she could bear with me, I would appreciate it. Well she blew me off because she claimed she  was too busy making drinks. And finally when she did find time to talk to me, she forced it out of me that I have an anxiety disorder and that I was having a hard time with it due to the accident. She couldn't even be bothered to have this conversation with me in the back room in private; this was done out in public where everyone else that was working could hear. And instantly she and everyone else began treating me like I was damaged goods; if they weren't talking to me before, they certainly weren't then. Any question I asked about how to do the job (I had been there three weeks at that point) was met with disgust and contempt.

Finally I had enough, and filed a complaint with the ethics department, and almost immediately things started to get a little better. Some (but not all) of the people do at least speak to me now, even if it's just to say hello and ask how I'm doing. But it never should have gotten to that point. I think I deserve to go into work and not be made to feel like I'm crazy.

I'm having a hard time of things again though. The flashbacks have started again, though not to the same intensity as before. And the nightmares...including a recurrent one I haven't had in a while, going back to the brief time I served as a volunteer firefighter. My wife told me that was the most violent one I've had in a long time.

I just wish I knew how to feel normal. For a few brief weeks after Christmas, I had a taste of it. What I wouldn't give to have that back.

[Blueberry]

You're certainly welcome here, blackaltis! It doesn't matter if you're off for quite a while. Sometimes members are and often it just means they're getting on with their lives and recovery off the boards, which can be a really good thing!

Just wanted to say that and send 
Good on you for filing complaint to Ethics Dept! I'm glad things have improved a bit.   

[Three Roses]

You are totally welcome, whenever! You don't have to be here regularly, that's totally up to you and how you're feeling. It was good to hear from you again.

[blackaltis07]

I honestly don't know how people handle stress because with everything that is going on in my life (and it has been a VERY long time since I have posted anything here), the cracks are beginning to show.

I basically did everything humanly possible to make things tolerable at the job at the coffee shop, because going through the whole job application process wasn't going to happen, and I just couldn't afford to quit with a wife and a three year old daughter at home. So things improved there enough to take on full time hours, almost 40 a week, just in time for the new semester to start. I study computer science at a college 60 miles away, three times a week, and even though I only take two classes, because honestly that's all I can handle, Mondays I don't get home until 10pm, only to have to turn around to be back on campus by 8 to get some studying in before class at 10. I'm there all mornings on Thursday, not to mention the two hours of driving each day as well. Cutting hours at work isn't an option because I have to contribute at least something to the house my wife and I closed on over the summer. The trick, I've been told, is the keep the goal in sight of having the CS degree so that not only will I have the degree itself to be proud of, but that the job and financial situation will be substantially better. So no more making lattes for eight hours and turning around and driving 60 miles.

Balancing class, studying, and work, while at the same time being a young father and husband is taking its toll on me, and once you throw the effects of PTSD in...well you know the rest. I always feel like my efforts in one area are lacking, and the shame sets in and won't let go. The worst is when it comes to school...the bulk of the abuse I went through for the majority of the first two decades of my life revolved around school, and I hold myself to an impossibly high standard. I wrote a program for a project that I submitted last night, which earned a 91%...you'd think I'd be pleased, right? I've been steadily beating myself up over those missing 9% all day and was barely able to show my face in class tonight because of it. And god forbid I receive of poor grade tomorrow on the exam I took in the other class last week...that just might break me altogether.

I've been working on this with my therapist for a while now and though things seemed to get better for a few months, recently things seem to have been worse than they ever have been. I don't know how much more I can take, and I don't know how other people do it. They must have a strength or some kind that I lack, something that I wish I had.

[sanmagic7]

you know what?  you have that strength in you or you wouldn't have written here, shared what's going on with you, which is a TON!!!

yeah, i think that when you're able to realize all of what you are doing, realize that you're as human as the rest of us, and also realize that the burden you're shouldering can definitely be more than you can deal with at times, you might start giving yourself a bit of a break in the perfectionist department.  plus, maybe you can find a little time here and there just to leave everything behind for a few hours every so often.

i was in a similar situation in my life many years ago, and one thing i did for myself, which really helped, was to take a weekend for myself - i managed to do it every year after i went back to college in my 40's, was working, raising 2 daughters, and managing a less than wonderful marriage. 

i drove to a different town, booked a cheap motel for the weekend, got a bunch of fast food so i wouldn't have to go out for 2 days, and stayed in bed, reading for fun and watching tv.  no responsibility to anyone or anything but myself.  it worked wonders.  hopefully, you can find a way to replenish yourself in a similar manner.

it's not easy to be that kind and nurturing to yourself necessarily, but it's the only thing that pulled me thru that period of my life (it wasn't till 8 yrs. later, when i kept up such a frantic pace with no breaks, everything escalating, that i finally began breaking down.  i'd hate to see you go thru that).

taking care of ourselves is priority one.  best to you, blackaltis.  sending love and a hug filled with compassion for your situation.

[blackaltis07]

I've been away for a long time and while I'm like to say that things have improved, they haven't. At least they won't until I find a way to push through and past everything that's happening. 

I ended up in the hospital right before last Thanksgiving and was placed in a men's trauma group immediately after. I finished there in January, and for the month or two following that, I discovered a part of myself that I never knew existed: a part of me that was confident that despite what I've thought my entire life, I do not need to accept a lifetime of suffering. I do not need to spend my life cleaning up the messes of other people, both literally and figuratively. My relationship with my co-workers has improved beyond recognition to the point that, if I can figure out how to move past all my trust issues, some real friendships are there for me. 

What seems like a blessing and a curse, however, is the awareness that has grown of how much my marriage has cost me, and how far this has gone back. Granted, this happened way before we were married, but would a person not blinded by my issues stay with someone who was cheating on him? And then years later make him feel crazy for still being bothered by it? Would a "normal" person stay with someone who made him choose between her and his dreams of serving his country, being told that after the Marines he would not have a girl to come home to? By the way, these are two repetitions of situations past abusers have put me through, but I adamantly believed that by meeting this girl at age 20, I had lucked out and had better hold on for dear life lest I end up running out the rest of my life alone. 

So now we are married and have the most beautiful, amazing daughter I could ever imagine. My wife's temper is a force to be reckoned with and it's so sad to see our four year old as well as myself end up as the target over and over. Every parent gets frustrated, and perhaps my perspective is unique due to what my own parents did to me, but waking up every morning to the screaming because a four year old kid is dragging * getting ready for school is unbearable. It breaks my heart at night to hear this little angel in the room next to me having the same nightmares that I do. 

Arguments spring up over the most insignificant issues.  And the gaslighting? It's only gotten worse. I can't think it anything but completely reasonable that my daughter's contact with an older cousin that lured her into a bedroom and took advantage of her be cut off completely, or at the least be extremely limited. But because this is her infallible sister's child, that can't and won't happen. I mean, the spoiled brat is in therapy, so there's no chance at all it could ever happen again, right? I never cared much for her sister and her family, but this I just can't forgive and I doubt that I ever will. And again, I'm made to feel crazy every time I say anything negative about the situation. For God's sake, it took a huge amount of effort on my part just to simply have our will, which was being written at the time this situation occurred, modified so my daughter wouldn't be sent to like with my sister-in-law's family and her monster son should something happen to my wife and I. Never mind the fact that I was also taken advantage of in the same manner by someone I trusted, even if I was an adult. Never mind what it does to me to be around these people. Nobody seems to have any concern for my kid. The response is always, "She was too young to remember, and he's in therapy anyway." Not good enough for me, not by a long shot.

To make a long story short, I'm realizing now that I've wasted the best years of my life trying to ignore how horrible this situation has been since almost the beginning, all because I thought I had found the one person in the world I could trust. This person has amounted to the one person in the world least deserving of that trust. And what I'm terrified of now is perpetually finding myself in the same situation after this is over. 

After everything I've been through, and this is a mere taste of everything, I just so desperately want to be close to someone. I was terrified of being alone, so I stayed, and it turns out that I've been so very alone the whole time. I want to know what it's like for someone to be truly attracted to me. I want to know what it's like to talk with someone about something I'm passionate about without checking to see if she's fallen asleep or knowing her eyes are rolled and she's either trying to block me out or waiting for her turn to speak. I want to know what it's like for someone to truly love me, not love what I can provide them, or love the person I could potentially become for them. I want to know what it's like to trust someone with my emotional well being without wondering in the back of my head whether or not I'm making a mistake in doing so. I'm so incredibly lonely, despite having lived with someone for my entire adult life. 

I wouldn't trade my daughter for the world, and knowing that age 4 she has already gone through the horror of what I did is too much. I would gladly give my life for her, but on the other hand, I don't think I have truly lived a day in my life to this point.  I'm tired of waiting to start.

[Tee]

I just read your last post. I'm so sorry that you and your daughter are going through this.  I hope you can keep your daughter safe.  Kids are resilient when they get into a loving safe place this is what my T keeps telling me when I'm sure I've screwed up my kids.  Family therapy has been helpful too. We only did few sessions but it was good to give the kids a voice.

Hugs is rough place to be in for sure keep your baby safe.

[Three Roses]

   You have been thru the wringer, that is for sure! You are worthy of being safe and respected, and so is your little girl. Here's to hoping you can find a way to make your and your daughter's life more peaceful and nurturing. 

[sanmagic7]

blackaltis, my heart weeps for you and your daughter.  i'm glad for you that you are getting these realizations, and also glad you're able to come here, write them out, share them w/ us. 

it sounds like an awful situation for both you and your daughter.  and, by the by, that boy being in therapy is no guarantee whatsoever that nothing like that will ever happen again.  i am on your side w/ this - i wouldn't want my d around him at all anymore.  it's traumatizing for us when we see or hear about any person who's caused us trauma - how could it be different for a 4-yr. old?  we all know that, in fact, we don't 'forget', no matter how young we were when trauma struck.

it sounds like you're beginning to get your feet back under you, finding your strength thru knowledge and truth.  all i can do is send love and a hug filled w/ encouragement.   

[sunflower38]

I'm so sorry you and your daughter are having to go through this, I hope things get better for you both