Don't Matter

[Phoebes]

After all of the recent years and painfully working through all the stuff about Nm and abuse, I'm only now realizing the depth of denial, enabling and lack of empathy of EnD. Not only regarding Nm, but also NSM.

NSM has been so awful to me, but especially to my sister and her kids, that it's down to my sis has told EnD that she will no longer see him with her in tow. I agree and support her fully. They are pulling out all the stops to guilt, shame and coerce her. I am soon going to speak to him as well, in support of my GCS.

The thing is, after a childhood of his enabling abuse and not protecting me, and an adulthood of his shutting me down when I have anything to say about how his second wife treats me, I'm just DONE. I told him recently I was done with all that, and he just sat there silent. I have told him in detail why I must be NC with NM, and he acts like I never said anything, says things like "the bible says to forgive". (forgive and forget tactic). I told him I HAVE- what does he think I've done for 40 years, which is why I'm still here, taking abuse (well, not anymore).

Anyhoo, the S is hitting the F now. GCS has said she is not seeing her (NSM) for the holidays, but that he is welcome if he wants to come on his own. So without regard to her boundary, SHE booked a room in my sis' town! So now, we are planning a road trip. It's outrageous how he has absolutely no regard for our boundaries and feelings. But it's also disheartening to see how enmeshed he is. How we may never have our dad again. As unsupportive as he is, he is still the "good" one. The one who shows an inkling of interest and love. I feel like he loves us, but he was enmeshed with Nm, and he is enmeshed with NSM.

It's hard to realize that NONE of our parents really care how we feel. We aren't worth love and/or protection? I'm right back to feeling like I don't matter at all. Not even my GC sister matters. I at least thought I somehow mattered to my EnD, even despite the lack of evidence.

[Blueberry]

  I'm sorry Phoebes. I know how much that kind of situation hurts. 

It may be scant comfort, but you matter on here!

[Phoebes]

Thank you, Blueberry.

[sanmagic7]

what blueberry said, phoebes.  you matter here.  love and hugs.

[Tee]

  you matter!

[Kizzie]

Not mattering to those who are supposed to love us is as deep a wound as it gets imo Phoebes. It's just pure pain/grief/anger to see and feel that loss clearly.   

Here you do matter, your pain and loss matter 

[Blueberry]

Not mattering to those who are supposed to love us is as deep a wound as it gets imo Phoebes. It's just pure pain/grief/anger to see and feel that loss clearly.   

You know Phoebes how sometimes our pasts seem somewhat similar? Well, I was absolutely devastated when I finally saw, understood and felt that loss and knew that the whole of nuclear FOO is involved in it, even enF and B2. So from my memories of what that was like  for you. I hope you can feel the strength and care from the forum. 

[Kizzie]

 

[Phoebes]

Thank you all. It really does help that you all understand and can empathize, although I'm so sorry that you do actually understand. I feel like I'm becoming somewhat of a stone cold person these days..like, oh well, another family member I probably will never see again...so many..what can I do? Apparently to them if I'd just get off my high horse all would be well. I know in my gut I am on the right track, and right to separate myself from people who don't think I have a right to my own life..but, why are there so many?