Anger

[_Redd_]

Hi everyone,
I have known that I have been angry for years. Some days are better than others. When I am stressed and/or tired, my anger is the worst. When I act out in anger, I feel like my mother. I hate that so much. I have the most anger outbursts at work. I have a high stress job and there are a lot of really young people at my job. My co-workers do not deserve my anger. I lash out and then feel extreme guilt and shame. I have tried to control it, and just go on automatic pilot. It is an awful vicious cycle. This one gets me the most. Then I get anxious going into work b/c I fear being reprimanded and facing the people I have lashed out on. Does anyone else have this rage? Or had this rage? I would love to hear coping mechanisms. Please help me.

[_Redd_]

I literally just realuzed that what I described above is an emotional flashback. It brings some relief and some questions.

[keepfighting]

Hi, Redd,

these sudden anger outburst are a 'normal' part of PTSD (I was treated for PTSD first and later diagnosed with CPTSD).

I used to have them quite regularly. The worst part for me was how ashamed of myself I felt afterwards - just wanted to sink myself in hole after each one. Like you describe, I also used to direct them at 'innocent' persons -  people who really did nothing to deserve or provoke such a violent reaction from me (my anger outbursts manifested themselves in shouting or mean remarks and I HATED the person I became when I felt this sudden surge of anger).

What helped me control these was a combination of CBT and exercises that were specifically directed at reducing the suddenness (is that even a word?) and the intensity of the anger attacks. My t told me that I needed to direct that anger at the person(s) who caused it. As a child it was simply too dangerous for me to show any forms of anger and even as an adult no longer living a home there was no possibility to tell my Narents (chief people to cause my hurt and my anger) how I felt and why. So my t made me write letters to them - half an hour a day, no restraints in my choice of words, but I had to set a timer for exactly 30 minutes and stop midword if it went off. Next day, I could do the exercise again. I had to collect all these letters in an envelope and put them in a safe place in my home. For weeks, I wrote many of these letters - to my Narents, my PD sis and some of their enablers. After a while, the need to write them receded - I had said more or less everything I needed to get off my chest - and in the last letters I wrote I couldn't even get to the full 30 minutes any more.

I kept that envelope in my house for a while and at some point decided not to send them. No point and it didn't matter for my recovery process whether they read them or not. Some years later, while moving house, I threw the envelope away. I didn't need it any more.

My t explained to me that it was necessary to find a way to express my anger towards the right people - the ones that actually hurt me and caused this anger in the first place.

More than a decade later I can positively say that I have not had as many anger outbursts in 14 years than I used to have in a single year - and at the few occasions when I had a relapse into old behaviour, I looked for the real cause of the ourburst and wrote just one more letter....

The best part about it is that I no longer feel the shame about my own behaviour after an outburst. That shame was like acid on my soul.

Maybe something like that is going on in your life as well, Redd? Your anger must come from somewhere and is probably justified - maybe the solution might be to find a way to express your anger towards the people who caused you all the pain and the hurt behind your anger in the first place?

Please be very kind and very good and forgiving towards yourself and I hope you'll find a way that works for you that will make your anger attacks more manageable. 

[_Redd_]

Keepfighting,
Thank you so much for your response. i was starting to wonder if this was abnormal or I was abnormal in this regard. I really appreciate you sharing your experience! I am hopeful about my upcoming EMDR in dealing with this and being desensitized a bit. I feel like i am a giant hyper vigilant, scared, little girl who is ready to attack at any moment to "stay safe". I am cognitively aware that I am not really in danger in my environments, but I am looking forward to the integration of that knowledge with healing. Sometimes I feel as though I have gone too far, hurt too many people, and that shame is like a cloak I wear. I just really appreciate your response, so again, thank you!

[sandman14]

Red,
I have been through a lot of anger.  I have had the cycles of rage and shame.  The problem kept coming back.  Then finally I just removed myself from the situation that was making me so unhappy.  I took a step back and looked at what and who were causing me so much pain, and I created space from that situation and myself.  I started to take care of myself and protect myself.
The anger went away.
I was trying to treat the symptoms, not the disease.  Now I am on track.
I hope this helps you.  Don't try to treat the symptoms.

[Sandals]

My T says that anger is like a built-in siren, alerting you that something is wrong. And like the others have said, the work is in where you put that anger.

I like that description and thinking of it as helpful, as it lets you process it as something that is friendly and really lets you feel your feeling instead of fighting against it and then imploding/exploding, depending on how your anger manifests.

My anger is all turned inward & I need to get better at expressing it, so we are coming at it from opposite ends of the spectrum. Have you done any inner child work? For me, if I can connect with my inner child, she helps me find the root of it and we soothe it together.

[_Redd_]

Thank you for your insight and replies everyone. You all brought valuable aspects to the table. I started to examine this problem with my unN/bpd m 6 or 7 years ago, but was redirected by my t to work on "the real problem" (some other trauma I was exposed to). I realize that getting back in this process reminds me of previous work I have done. Focusing on taking care of myself, letting go of what I can't control, and allowing others to freely be who they are. I feel like so much of my perspective has been muddy b/c I have carried this around so long. I know connecting with others has been recommended, and I agree whole heartedly, but that has been a problem of mine as well. Connecting with others. Sometimes I can, and other times I feel like I am just looking in from the outside while trying to connect with others. This is definitely a process, but I am reminded that I need to take care of me first, and then other things can and will fall into place along this process.

Sandman14,
I have spent a great deal of time treating symptoms. Thank you for your valuable insight. I am looking at dealing with the root cause.

Thanks again everyone!