Hi everyone! (Triggers?)

[spot]

Another newbie from over at OOTF.

27 year old two time divorcee with one child. Grew up with an undiagnosed PD mom. I was the SG. Sister below me the GC. I was physically and emotionally abused. Grew up isolated in a large fundamentalist Christian family. My mother was extremely unstable and violent in private while my dad was at work. She would then have to find ways to explain evidence of her behaviors to my dad, and her stories consistently placed the blame on me. My dad believed her and would punish me as well. I was generally despised and regularly told I was a scourge on the family.

In middle school I was often in isolation in the basement away from the rest of the family. As punishments, I had "privileges" taken away-- I had no belongings, I had to sleep on the floor, I lost the right to use hot water, etc.
We were homeschooled and not allowed to spend time with friends beyond as part of church activities.
I rarely ate, I self mutilated, and I became increasingly suicidal.

I had experienced some sexual abuse.

At age 17, I married a boy I knew from church two days after my high school graduation and I moved away from home. 6 months in, he became increasingly abusive--physically, emotionally, and sexually.
I was in despair. He had continuing affairs. After two years, he gave me several STDs and I left shortly thereafter. My family disowned me due to the stigma of the divorce and I was homeless.

During that time I met the person who would become my second husband and the father of my child. I saw how different he was from my first husband and was glad. Our relationship was extremely enmeshed, extreme lack of healthy boundaries. I felt like I became a part of him. We seemed blissfully happy for the most part and decided to have a baby.
After baby was born, husband immediately became essentially absent, and was abusive during most interaction we had. I was so shocked, it was completely unexpected. He spiraled into alcoholism and was a complete deadbeat. He decided he "wasn't the family man type after all" and asserted that it was unfair of me to expect him to make any sacrifices or assume responsibilities. I was beyond devastated. All my hopes and dreams for my daughter and a family were totally dashed. It took me several years to accept and then escape the alcoholism and abuse. It was then that I began learning about NPD. We lived like in a third world country, in shocking poverty, struggling for everything, while he used any available resource for himself. It was a nightmare. He constantly sabotaged everything. He eventually had an affair and moved away.

I had become extremely isolated to hide how ashamed of our situation I was. I worked an extremely demanding physical labor job. Last year I was nearly killed in an accident. It took me months to recover, but I did it all alone with my child. Even though I was significantly immobilized, I found a way because I had no choice.
Ever since then, I've been lost in a spiral of extreme toxic shame and hopelessness.
I realized that my first husband was an overt N, my second was diagnosed covert/passive. I lost my family, I lost my career. I originally thought that when I moved away from my parents' home, everything would be good from then on, because I'd be in control! My first marriage ending was a hit, but I took it in stride and had hope for the future still. However, after the second marriage, I overwhelmingly felt helpless and defeated and like an utter failure.
I struggle with constantly feeling like I'm undesirable, damaged, worthless, I don't have any control over my life and can't improve my circumstances, feel like I can't relate to anyone because of my struggles, I am unable to visualize a future.
The positive is I have a very supportive boyfriend who I am learning to trust and is encouraging me to work through all of this. So here goes!

[keepfighting]

Hi, Spot,

welcome to OOTS! 

I am very glad you've found us. 

Sorry to read what you've been through with your FOO and previous partners. It's appalling and you deserved none of that. 

This is a great place to concentrate on yourself, on your journey towards healing and better dealing with CPTSD. It's a bumpy ride at times, but you're not alone in it and I do hope that you'll soon be able to visualize a future for yourself. You deserve to find some peace and stability in your life and I think it's great that despite everything, you are willing to learn how to trust again.

[elefem]

Hi spot
Your story is quite mind blowing. My situation is different, no marriage, no children. But your post makes me think of myself. Different circumstances, same pattern. Especially when you write about leaving your parents' home, having hope, first marriage, second marriage, and it still doesn't work out. Getting away from my parents did help me. But I've been carrying the scars of my abuse with me ever since. They have influenced the way I relate to other people. I turned away from people who were good to me because I was scared, and I got hurt again by people who were not so good to me. My insecurity kept showing. For some people this was an invitation to take advantage of me. So in a sense, I think that I contributed to my own misery. But that was because I didn't know better. When I look at the meanness that was thrown at me, I understand. I'm trying to accept, and I'm trying to learn to love myself. No one is worthless, I was just made to feel that I was.

Did you fail because of what was done to you - likely - did you fail because you were worthless and didn't deserve anything better - definitely not. My challenge is to understand this, and to feel it, every day. I think it's the same for you.

I wish you good luck and a strong heart. Thanks for sharing your story.

[lightbeneaththeearth]

Hello Spot, I'm glad that you have found a good place. You aught to wrap your loving arms around yourself and love yourself for making it through all of that. You would give that compassion to someone else it think. One reason I struggle giving compassion to myself is that I feel like I am giving myself excuses, that if I don't berate myself I will do all kinds of bad things. I think the research is showing the opposite. When we give compassion to ourselves our willpower improves.

[elefem]

Hi light
It's ok with me if you replace 'excuses' with 'reasons'. And then you can say that you give compassion to yourself because you understand the reasons why. And then there's no need for reasons anyway to give compassion to yourself. You won't do bad things if you don't berate yourself, you will do bad things against yourself if you berate yourself.

This is why I like Pete Walker's book so much. My way into cptsd went along with an extensive brainwashing. After this, it seemed crazy to think, feel, behave normally. Confusing people is a means to enslave people. It helps me very much to see someone say that my crazy thoughts are actually normal.

[Kizzie]

Hi Spot and a very warm welcome to OOTS    Such a tough go for you and I may be wrong, but I do sense courage, resilience and hope for a better future peeking through in your post .  Coming here is a BIG step in moving beyond the pain, after all you brought yourself here, to a place where you may find answers, healing, community, and support so kudos 

As you can see by my tag line, like many others here compassion is high on my list of recovery strategies. As Light and Elefem have suggested it helps when you aren't fighting against yourself, berating yourself for being weak, defective, worthless and instead start to practice self-compassion. Try and be kind and gentle and patient with yourself as much as possible. 

Glad you found your way here 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hello - I relate to what u have said about how u feel - it wasn't too long ago I felt like that - but I don't now - ( mostly )

Damaged self worth is part of the aftermath -

Healing is so v possible and to become the person we were always meant to be -
Have u spoken to your doctor -
Is there access to therapy services for you ?


I got offered a really good therapist who specialises and she is really helping me re build

I wish u all the best for the start of your healing