Rough Week

[Kizzie]

This week has been especially tough in terms of my relationship with my H.  He came down with a nasty infection that required three visits to the ER which is about 40 mins from where we live. That was not a problem at all, I am great in an emergency but in the midst of all that came 2 offers on our house.  Not a problem either but it does add up.  What got to me is that I am married to a man who does not like to be dependent and does not take kindly to being brought to his knees by pain.

I struggled with him over everything from telling the doctor how bad things were (he minimized the pain which I understand is related to his gender, military and family training but it doesn't get you the pain meds and required a 2nd trip to the ER and my having to step in and tell the doc what it was really like when once again he would not fess up), to meds, to eating and drinking fluids, to well, everything.

Part of me totally understood he was in pain and this was so hard for him but another part shot back into being a child and teen at home when my NPD/alcoholic F would control and dominate me and nothing I did was ever right or good enough.  I fought it but eventually on the last trip into the ER I spilled tea all over myself on the drive in and lost it.  Whoa, what is this telling me? I am overtired and angry at my H and need to tell him and I did. I wish all of me could have stayed calm and objective, but the fact of the matter is my trauma is still there and won't let me just yet. 

At least when I did 'have words" with my H I was able to tell him exactly what was wrong and why and that he needed to back off, let me take care of him, show some appreciation and stop arguing about every little thing.  I also told him I loved him and understood he was in a lot of pain.  Fair enough.

[Blueberry]

  I'll write more later.

[Tee]

 

[Not Alone]

  That is a lot all at one time.

[sanmagic7]

    

nursing someone who puts up all kinds of walls in your way is no easy thing - having all that other stuff going on at the same time, yeah, i'm not surprised you went down the rabbit hole to the past, kizzie.  i'm really glad you were able to talk to him about it - i hope he took what you said to heart and has backed off his 'macho' crapola.  thanks for sharing.

[Jdog]

  Thanks for sharing, for being real with your feelings and being able to let us know how you handled them.  Here's hoping that next week has fewer challenges for you. 

[Kizzie]

Fortunately the tea did not scald me but I had to sit in the ER for 5 hrs and travel around with my H as he had various tests sporting a giant stain down the entire front of my shirt.    A bit too conspicuous for someone who likes to fly under the radar in public. 

I am glad I didn't try to hold it in any longer (that was not happening lol) and was able to communicate how I felt about him ("love you and so sorry you are in such pain") and his behaviour ("not crazy about how you're behaving"), I just wish I could have been a bit calmer. Maybe I would have been if I'd spoke up earlier.    In any event, he's been great since then and back to his old self   

[Tee]

Glad he's been back to his old self.  Hope he feels better.  And good job speaking up for yourself.

[Blueberry]

When it comes down to it, the pain of the past  propelled you into a new improved communicator who was able to say what needed to be said, (his needs, your needs) even though that preferred calm aura was delayed. Don't be hard on yourself. 

[clay1719]

Being a male, I had a really hard time explaining my feelings to my wife until I realized that my lack of communication was making matters worse. As a man, I had a really hard time admitting the intense fear I was feeling all of the time to anyone, but I realized that this was doing no good for either of us, especially as the fear began morphing into anger. Sometimes it's hard for us men to give in to our emotions because even though it's wrong, we feel weak when this happens. I don't like that trait and have learned to get over it in the last few months. I only mention this because I understand where you're coming from.

I needed a talk like you gave to your husband and my wife was the perfect one to do it. Because I don't want to hurt the one person I really trust in this world, I do try to be calm with her and that has helped me to be more in touch with my emotions. We're both seeking therapy to get over a recent tragedy and after her talk, I respected her feelings enough to try to control my own. My hope is that your husband took your conversation to heart, and I personally think it was the right thing to do. For me, even the many trips to the ER would've been hard even without the house to deal with as well. All in all I'd say you handled yourself really well.

[Kizzie]

Just what I needed to hear Clay and bravo to you for being able to talk openly and honestly about your situation.   A lot of my H's behav does seem to be gender related (that shalt not appear weak or vulnerable), but also to his own family who never talked about anything remotely emotional and heaven forbid you ever show any anger.  So when something comes up that makes him really angry or afraid it comes out sideways.  Fortunately he's generally pretty even keeled but life has a way of throwing everyone curve balls, things we're not ready for and we landed there again.

He was back to his old self, but then wham and he went into what I now see as a freeze and fight trauma response which triggered me again.  He doesn't trigger often but when he does he's just as incapacitated as those of us dealing with CPTSD (I'm not certain he has full blown CPTSD but perhaps a mild version).  Two triggered people make a rational, connected and caring conversation difficult.

Anyway, we managed to get through this second situation but it was so painful and like you and your wife, we feel it's time to get some therapy once we're in our new home. 

Glad to have your perspective so thanks for sharing