Sceal's Journal: Time changes

[Not Alone]

Maybe mourning the loss of Lady T with Lady T would be constructive.

[sanmagic7]

sounds like writing it down is a great idea, sceal.  often writing has helped me organize my thoughts, bring about realizations, or just even leave negativity on the page which gets it out of me.  i like notalone's suggestion, too. 

this is such a lot you've been going thru, my dear.  baby steps, just get from today to tomorrow, that's all you need do.  this stuff will sort itself out eventually.

and a big CONGRATULATIONS! on selling one of your pieces.      that truly is a huge deal.  i had another artist friend, i remember going thru that with her.  i am so very, very happy for you!

please remember, one day, then the next.  little by little.  and breathe, as wife2 would say.  will you have another t after lady t leaves?  if so, i hope the transition goes smoothly.  keep taking care of you, ok?  much love and a big hug filled with all kinds of good stuff!

[Sceal]

To Blue:
I have both experiences with dissociation. Sometimes I realize I'm fading away, and if I'm not stopped or if I'm not able to stop myself... I will lose all contact with the present. And then I have the times when it happens so quickly I've no idea I've left. But I can usually tell afterwards because I can't remember anything.  Both are exhausting afterwards though.

To Notalone:
I wrote it down to her, but I can't remember if we talked about it. She called me the next day and said it was part of the topic, but not what we had focused the most on.

To San:
I like to write down my thoughts too. Sometimes realisations stick with me, but often they only stick for a short period. I am wondering if the dissociation has something to do with that. That I'm not able to fully put something in my long term memory.. I'm not sure. Just a new thought I'm having.

And thank you, yes selling that piece is a big deal! She hasn't picked it up yet, but I hope she'll be even happier once she sees it in person.

[Not Alone]

I have a hard time remembering also. I think there a number of factors, but dissociation is definitely a part of it. Writing helps me to remember and also to process. I often go to therapy with a list of what I want to talk about.

[Sceal]

Notalone:
Sometimes having a list will help, but most of the things I need several appointments to make it sink in, or accept or process. And then a long list from time to time isn't helpful to me. Because it just doesn't really get processed.  I am very good at talking and explaining  my thoughts and emotions to my nurse, doc or lady T, but it's because it's a language I've learned. It's like in school when you have to memorize the multiplication table.. You remember it, but you don't really get it. ( I don't even remember it, but it was the easiest analogy I could think of at the moment )

---
I went as I think I mentioned, to Lady T the other day. I had the letter with me. Although, I don't remember what I wrote her. I don't remember much of the appointment either. I remember seeing her for the first time in person in months, and I was so stressed out of my mind because I was so late because the road was blocked and I couldn't get anywhere. And that's it. Thinking about it is making me cry. And I don't know why...

She called me the day afterwards, which caught me by surprised. Apparently we had made a deal that she would do that. I asked her what we talked about, because I couldn't remember. She said we talked about friendship and feeling left out, about her leaving, about my letter. But I don't remember.
It's bothering me more than I would like.
I used to not mind that much that I forgot things, sometimes I'd welcome the blank slates. Because they'd protect me from unpleasantness. But now, all I feel is a lack of control in my own actions...

And I am so sad I'm losing her. I hope that me being a little worse off now isn't because I'm losing her, if that makes any sense?

I feel drained. Today I've been in pain all day. I've tried paracetamol, I tried light excersise, I tried stretching and bending and flexing, I tried a warm shower, I tried napping, I tried massage, I tried pain-cream. In the end the only thing that gave some temporary relief was heating pads.
I think I'm not sleeping well. I wake up exhausted, I wake up all stiff and occationally joint pain. I think I might be dreaming a lot.

[Not Alone]

Loosing Lady T is a really big loss. Our situations are different, but when I stopped seeing T1 a few months ago I felt grief, fear, alone; many feelings. It's a big deal.

[Sceal]

I am sorry you lost your T1 too. It is really painful. Regardless if our situations are different, the pain is probably the same.

I don't want to deal with it though. I just realised. I don't want to deal with her rejecting me, or that my friend is potentially rejecting me. So I try everything I can to be better, more impressive, more interessting so they don't want to give me up. So that they will want to have me around. Because I don't know what else I can do.

I did talk a little with my friend yesterday, not about my feelings or fear. But I told him that he means alot to me and that I appreciate him, and that he rocks.
I am still trying to impress him though. I wont tell him that either. Because I don't see the benefit.

[Sceal]

Oh! And someone asked me if I'm getting a different T.

I won't. Lady T believes that I need to stand on my own two feet for a while and to both see and learn that I am actually able to do it.
She also believes that I have so much instability within and without me that further trauma therapy won't work as of how things stand today.

[Blueberry]

Lady T believes that I need to stand on my own two feet for a while and to both see and learn that I am actually able to do it.
She also believes that I have so much instability within and without me that further trauma therapy won't work as of how things stand today.

A therapist acting like that is one of my nightmares. As I write that a memory comes. However, I asked my current T quite a while ago if he would ever tell me I had to leave because I wasn't "enough" in some way - good enough, working hard enough, doing enough homework, damaged enough, traumatised enough... and he said no, he never would. The only reason would be if he ended up retiring before I'm through.   

So I just want to send you lots of support from here at OOTS for managing in the next while. I don't write in your Journal very often or read it much anymore but as far as I do read I think you've been taking big steps forward irl. OOTS is always here for you. 

[sanmagic7]

 

[Sceal]

To Blueberry:

I get where both of you are coming from. I am terrified. It's not the best timing to let go, but maybe there never will be. She did say that when I am ready for trauma therapy I can come back to her.. her being in the public health care and not private it's quite rare.

---
I feel like a child who wants to grow up but can't. I also feel like an adult wanting to retreat to childhood.. I don't belong anywhere.

I am scared.

[sanmagic7]

sweet sceal,

the loss you're experiencing, like others have said, is huge.  please, be patient with yourself. what lady t told you can't help but smack you on so many levels in so many ways.  no wonder you feel like an adult and a child at the same time, not knowing where you fit. 

i'll admit, i don't quite understand the idea of you needing to be able to stand on your own, yet not needing trauma work.  it sounds incongruous to me, but maybe you understand it better.  i hope so.

love and hugs to you, my dear, while you go through this time of confusion and questioning.

[Snowdrop]

I don't really have much in the way of words at the moment, Sceal, but I wanted you to know that I've read all the entries in your new journal and I'm thinking of you.