Dreams about my emotional fears

[holidayay]

I've been having dreams lately of my deepest emotional worries.

I just feel desperate to say this - type this rather - just to excavate the detail from being inside my head.

I dreamt of a girl in my high school who was very 'mean girls'-ish. She was blonde, dinky, cute with a dimple, but mean, vindictive, liked to put others down, and embarrass them for her entertainment.
I beyond loathed myself back then. Girls like her - to me - deserved a good life, and recognition, and validation of their feelings and having their needs met, because they weren't - ugly and loathesome like I was. They weren't as inconsequential as me, in my head.

Anyway. yesterday I dreamt she was doing her mean girls tactic on me. (I haven't seen her in about 14 years). I snapped back at her to give her a dose of her own medicine.
Then...some guy - maybe her father or uncle or somebody - came to me to explain that I had to understand her reasons for being mean, and that she didn't really mean it, and she had emotional wounds and hurts to justify her behaviour whereas me fighting back really hurt her and I shouldn't do that and I'm the one in the wrong. For not being the bigger person, perhaps?
Thats the point at which in my dream my blood ran cold and i felt so much shame and self-loathing. Who did I think I was to defend myself and think I didn't deserve to be a target of her cruelty? Who was I to stand up and shake up the status quo that she = cute, pretty, bubbly and interesting whereas I = awful, a stray, a nothing. I'm only here to take it - take on difficulties and it was my lot in life to DEAL WITH IT alone and in terror, whereas those people could and should be defended, supported and validated and have their needs met.

This dream has scared me so much that my inner critic is so...maybe irrevocably twisted and brainwashed beyond repair. I wish I could go back to being able to logically argue against my inner critic so even if I didn't believe it emotionally, i could reason it out. These days, I can no longer do that. Now, not only do I not have my emotional reasoning/capability, I feel like the stress of everything has compromised my logical reasoning -  a tool I relied on so heavily and which worked so well. Now I feel naked, without armour, all my defences stripped.

Where to go from here?

[Tee]

  no one has the right to bully others. Though most bullies deal it out because some where they have taken it too usually.  Your critic needs to stop don't buy yourself you don't deserve that. Hugs I hope you find some peace and away to destress.  Your new city sounds pretty.

[Not Alone]

This dream has scared me so much that my inner critic is so...maybe irrevocably twisted and brainwashed beyond repair.

I do not believe "beyond repair." It takes a lot of time and a lot of work. Your dream shows the depth of your pain. You should have been protected, defended and supported.

[Jazzy]

It might not seem like it, but I think this is actually a step in the right direction. All the reasoning in the world doesn't equate to healthy emotions. I know it seems like it helps, but it's like trying to hammer a screw in to a board. Technically, it can be done... but better off to use a screwdriver.

I posted on your introduction post about dreams, so I won't repeat it all here. It's a really big thing though. It takes a lot of time and effort to deal with this kind of thing. A good first step is telling yourself it is okay that you have these dreams, and you have the time and can put in the effort to overcome them. Work on fighting your IC and continue on your healing journey!

Take care!