New here and new to CPTSD

[clay1719]

Hello all,

Just wanted to introduce myself and tell you a little about me. I was first diagnosed with PTSD by a councilor that came by my house after a rather traumatic experience. I was referred for an intake into a group of therapists, and when I went the diagnosis was confirmed as well as the fact that some of my symptoms are because of current trauma and things that happened in my childhood. As A child, I was physically abused by my stepfather until high school. There was also mental abuse form my mother. So many other things happened through my life. The loss of two wives, one to cancer and one because of alcoholism. Losing touch with my children and then reuniting with them twelve years later.

My father had a history of mental health issues stemming from world war two that was largely kept hidden from myself and my siblings. Eventually, we found out about it when my mother divorced him. I was devastated when this divorce occurred and it was also the first time we saw our fathers mental illness which I believe was eventually diagnosed as PTSD. He did get better and I never lost faith in him.

This is just a part of what I've been dealing with pretty much my whole life. The situation that landed me in therapy happened last April when my stepson died by suicide, and then a couple of months later when I had a huge blowout with my brother who was also a partner in our business. We dissolved the business and all of a sudden I became unemployed. Then in the same week, both of our vehicles died.

To be honest my first thought when I got my diagnosis was relief because I honestly couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. At least I discovered that my ailment is treatable and to be honest, I'm looking forward to this. Once I thought about and researched my diagnosis a bit, I realized that this condition had been affecting my life since childhood, and through remembering, I could see the symptoms of this throughout my entire life, which in turn made it much harder to function and yet because it began so long ago, I thought these feelings and symptoms were normal, or rather just the way I developed emotionally.

My current symptoms are mostly fear which can turn into anger. A feeling of worthlessness and a fear of connecting with other people. I don't get flashbacks of the recent trauma, but my mind has suddenly been filled with intense memories of the past. Things that I'd buried so well that I completely forgot about them. In fact just the other night when I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep, I had a kind of vision or wide awake dream. While in this, I remembered some very disturbing things that I won't write about here for fear of triggering another. But the thing that got me most was I could feel the emotions of that time and they were the same as I'm feeling now. Fear, and a kind of constant aggression. I was always an edgy and jumpy kid. Now I think I know why.

I come here in the hopes of finding understanding as I begin what I believe is going to be EMDR therapy. I'll be having another session this Thursday so I guess I'll know more then but they did mention it in the last session.

Thanks for reading,

Chuck

[Snowdrop]

Hi Chuck!  Pleased to meet you, and welcome to the forum.

I can relate to what you said about your cptsd diagnosis being a relief. It was for me too, and explained such a lot.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Chuck    Glad you found your way here and I hope you will find the info, support and encouragement you need to deal with all you have been through and are dealing with now

[Jazzy]

Welcome Chuck! Wishing you all the best on your recovery journey. I hope you find what you are looking for here. Take care!

[Three Roses]

Hello, it's good to meet you! I'm so sorry to hear about all the trauma in your life, hopefully the EMDR will be able to relieve your pain. Glad you found us! 

[Not Alone]

Chuck,
My deepest sympathy regarding your stepson. You have had so many painful things in your life. I hope you find this site helpful, as I have.

[bluepalm]

Welcome Chuck. I hope you experience the support and validation that I have done with this kind and understanding community.

What you say here resonates strongly with me:

To be honest my first thought when I got my diagnosis was relief because I honestly couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. At least I discovered that my ailment is treatable and to be honest, I'm looking forward to this. Once I thought about and researched my diagnosis a bit, I realized that this condition had been affecting my life since childhood, and through remembering, I could see the symptoms of this throughout my entire life, which in turn made it much harder to function and yet because it began so long ago, I thought these feelings and symptoms were normal, or rather just the way I developed emotionally.

For most of my life I felt I must be 'neurotic' and I blamed myself for being depressed and anxious. I sometimes feel that the process of healing involves understanding, deeply in my mind, body and soul, and bit by bit, that the thoughts and symptoms I experienced for so long and thought were 'normal, albeit neurotic', or just the way I developed emotionally, were in fact the results of injuries to my mind, body and soul that I experienced at the hands of other humans. This understanding, as I gain it bit by bit, gives me relief.   

I feel for you and the pain you have experienced and I hope you find some comfort in being part of this community.
bluepalm

[Kizzie]

the process of healing involves understanding, deeply in my mind, body and soul, and bit by bit, that the thoughts and symptoms I experienced for so long and thought were 'normal, albeit neurotic', or just the way I developed emotionally, were in fact the results of injuries to my mind, body and soul that I experienced at the hands of other humans. This understanding, as I gain it bit by bit, gives me relief. 

Could not agree more with what BluePalm wrote Chuck. Those in the MH field may label us as having a stress disorder, but to truly understand CPTSD is to know we have been deeply injured by others, mind, body and soul.

[ophidian]

Hi Chuck,

I'm new here too. I think being able to talk openly about the impact that CPTSD has in my life will be good for me, and I hope it is for you too.