(TW?: Sexual Assault, etc) Here Goes

[SeekFreedom]

Hi everyone, I've never done anything like this and I'm really in a bad place right now so please excuse mistakes I may make here.

I have such a long, odd history, it's very hard to put in a few paragraphs. I've also only told a handful of people so dumping even all the "main points" is kinda terrifying.

Okay, I guess technically I was a child when it started but I really don't consider it child abuse/sexual assault as he/they were the nearly the same age as me. I had just turned 13, he was a "boyfriend" that I had just gotten into a big argument with days prior. He wanted me to sneak out for a romantic walk in the moonlight. (Obviously I didn't realize at the time I was way too young for romance). Anyway, I told him my bedroom window was broken and very easy to get out of. We met up, he blindfolded me because he had a surprise for me. He led me quite a ways to what I assume was his house.  Leaving graphic details out, it didn't end well for me.

That's how it all started. I had to see him at school that next fall. It was awful. I didn't tell anyone for a year. When the one year "anniversary" came around I finally broke and told 2 of my friends. I will share more details later on but basically he came back with 2 of his friends and they sexually attacked me again twice a month apart. One of the two friends also went to school with us but I think the third guy was a bit older.

After that I didn't see the older guy again but the former boyfriend and the friend that favored the knife continued to mess with in various ways for many many years after that. I think in total they got me for maybe 10 yrs or so. Some of the things they did during that time were as bad or worse it seems on my flashbacks than the 3 actual attack times.

I know really this started as a child but none of it ever made me think child abuse so no idea where to go after this.

[Snowdrop]

I'm so sorry you went through that. It sounds awful, and you didn't deserve it.

Sending you a hug if that's ok. 

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry you went through that too! That degree of sexual assault and everything that went with it - being kidnapped and blindfolded etc. - would be awful enough for an adult woman, but for a young teenager excruciating.

It was definitely sexual assault and it was definitely abuse. Since you were a child, I'd say child abuse too, despite the age of the first perpetrator. I just want to validate you here - abuse is abuse, even if the abuser was your age. He must have known that what he was doing was totally wrong. You were not a couple of 4 year olds playing doctor (which might be abusive, might not). Here there is no question.

Welcome to the forum  and  for having the courage to join up here and post right away with the issue at hand.

Where to go with this? Maybe today it's just good that you posted on here and will get replies with validation and support? Then in the next couple of days I'm sure some of us on the forum including myself could give you some more suggestions. Certainly, try and find a therapist, if and when you feel up to it, but there is plenty of other information and links we can give you too.

[SeekFreedom]

Thank you both for your replies. I did actually just very very recently find a therapist. I can’t say we have really done anything yet. I have a very hard time saying out loud what they did but I did write some stuff. The first time is easier to talk about than the rest.

[Three Roses]

Welcome! Glad you're here. Take your time, you don't have to say everything that happened to you, it's up to you how much you share. And if you do decide you want to talk about it here, you can take your time. Thanks for joining and posting, it's a brave move.

[Feral Child]

Welcome, SeekFreedom!

In my experience, the first post is the most difficult.  So give yourself a big pat on the back for taking this step.  You are among a very supportive group of people.  It is so validating to be among those who will listen and offer insight from their own experiences.

I wish you all the best on your journey and look forward to hearing more from you.

Here is a big hug, if you are OK with it.

[SeekFreedom]

Thank you Feral Child and Three Roses for the encouraging words. It's very terrifying always wondering "what if they somehow find out I post on here and come back again". I realize that is very unlikely given how long it's been but I learned my lesson about assuming anything with these guys. No such thing as completely safe unfortunately. Anyway that's just one of my fears about being on here.

How do people like that even find each other? How does something like that just happen to come up in conversation? Those questions I think will haunt me forever.

Sorry, like I said before, I'm not doing well right now and apparently my thoughts are very scattered!

Again thank you for the kind words.