Deep Sadness

[Autodidact]

Hi there,

I'm just starting my CPTSD journey, trying to figure out treatment options and reading all that I can about the things I've experienced. I have this deep sadness in me and I just wanted to know if anyone else experiences it. It's like a visceral, physical, heavy pit where my heart is. It weighs down even the happiest moments and magnetizes my attention to it.

Is this...part of the CPTSD package, and if so how can I work on loosening it?

Best,
M

[Blueberry]

Hello and welcome to the forum Autodidact

I had that visceral feeling of sadness in my gut for a long, long time. Then sporadically in certain situations that triggered sadness from my childhood. Now not so much. But I have other symptoms instead. It's certainly part of the cptsd package in my case, probably in yours.

How to loosen it? You've probably just done that by writing on here! There is no one way that works for everybody and unfortunately based on my own experience and most of what I've read here, you're in for the long haul. But it does and can get better, bit by little bit. Trauma-informed therapy is a great help if you can get any and find someone you can work with.

Anyway keep reading around the forum for more information and you're welcome to ask more questions. 

[Papa Coco]

Hi Autodidact, and welcome to the forum.

I'm glad you found this forum. I'm so sorry to hear how the deep sadness comes over you.

There are a lot of good people here. This forum is a big help for me. Being able to speak openly about my sadness, my anxiety, my tendency to isolate, and my irrational fear of happiness, all without having to explain myself to people who won't get it anyway softens the loneliness for me and makes me feel connected to people who care. The non-trauma world has spent 62 years telling me I'm "too emotional for my own good" and that I'm "choosing to wallow in the sadness of my past."  But no one has ever said that to me here on this forum. We are kindred souls who empathetically share our stories, and no one has to ask "why do you feel that way?" We all know why we all feel this way.

As I study trauma disorders and work with my trauma therapist, I now know that the sadness is a symptom of all I've been through, and it is not really "me." It's a leftover trauma response to stuff that happened a very long time ago, and that was given to me by a family and church who treated me like a useless and stupid family pet, not a human being. So, I grew up believing what I'd been told; that I was too stupid to make it on my own in the world, and that no one would ever love me enough to do anything nice for me. It was MY job to be nice to them, but they could say or do any mean thing they wanted to me. So I grew up under the false impression that I'm not welcome on the earth and it's best if I just stay in the shadows and not embarrass anyone with my impersonation of a human being.

None of it was true. You and I have the same rights to be alive on the earth as anyone else. In fact, what I've found during my year on this forum, and after reading such books as Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, by Pete Walker, is that people who are like us on this forum, who are Fawn type trauma survivors, are some of the kindest, most caring, and most polite people on the planet. For myself, and for quite a few of the people on this forum, we, somehow grew up to be super kind people who don't feel safe in this world.

But that's what trauma does to us. It undermines our ability to feel safe, happy, free, powerful. We may BE all those things in real life, safe, happy, free, powerful...but the trauma makes us believe we are none of those things.

I hope you find some good connections on this forum. They're good people and I'm forever grateful I found them myself too.

[Autodidact]

Thank you so much, both of you, for your warm welcome to the forum. I have to say I'm pretty overwhelmed by the prospect of healing, and this thing we live with. But I'm hopeful! It also helps that kind souls like yours are around.

<3
Autodidact

[natureluvr]

Autodidact I am with you.  I am currently going through a deep grieving process.  The sweet and precious little girl in me was abandoned, but was never allowed to cry or get mad about it.  She had to just suck it up, and pretend like she was OK.  What really helps me, is to allow myself to have a good cry.  I cry as hard as I need to.  This is what my inner child was never allowed to do, and now I'm allowing her to do this. Pete Walker has another book "The Tao of Fully Feeling" where he talks about this grieving process.  It helps that I'm retired, so I'm home a lot. 

[CrackedIce]

Hey Autodidact, welcome to the site!

I'm familiar with the deep sadness you're referring to... I've experienced as a depression of sorts, where you just kind of coast through the day, doing what you need to do, but never actually getting any level of satisfaction from it, fully resigned to the life you've got, and the odd time someone asks what's wrong it kind of hits you that you're not happy, and haven't been for a long time.

That's where I was about a year ago when I started my therapy journey.  I'm nowhere near 100%, but I'm definitely in a better spot than I was a year ago.  A lot of it is thanks to this forum!  I've also done a lot of reading, a lot of therapy sessions, and a lot of self-work.  It's a long journey, full of ups and downs, but one well worth taking.

[Geneva]

Hi M, totally relate to the sadness as part of recovery. It seems it was always there for me but not always fully felt and understood while I pushed it away. Crying has been hugely helpful and the grief has come with anger at times much to my surprise. Maybe this is a way to lift depression a little and also anxiety when no longer pushing emotions down or away. I've also found Pete Walker's writing about grief and recovery in cptsd so helpful.

[Kizzie]

Hey Autodidact - just wanted to chime in and say I agree with everyone but BB in particular when she says just writing here can help to lessen that sadness over time.  Part of what comes from that is knowing we are not alone with our trauma anymore and that there are good, kind people who understand us and are willing to give us support and comfort.