Trouble With Friends

[Phoebes]

This is a symptom of C-PTSD that comes up a lot for me, and I wind up feeling so immature and silly.

One of my best friends, I FEEL, has been distancing themselves from me. They don't reach out, they take long to answer a text, if at all. They are so very busy and can't talk until the weekend, and then they don't reach out then either. Pretty obvious.

Yet in the GROUP text (which I hate. that's a whole other topic) she is chirpy and clearly has spent time with some of the others. She made it sound like she was so busy she just hadn't had time to answer. Then there were two occasions where plans got "misunderstood" or a text "wasn't seen" in the time it was sent.

All things, in and of themselves, are normal to happen on occasion. I feel HORRIBLE that something is going on with this friend, and a little hurt they have not even asked how I'm doing, knowing I'm stuck at home without family (internally or externally). In fact, not many of my "friends" have checked on me at all. I start thinking, have I chosen the right friends? Why am I so devastated by this shunning away? Wouldn't a normal person take this as a sign to care LESS? Or at least think hm, maybe I'll invest my energy elsewhere. I'm angry, and sad, and confused, and dysregulated. I have other things I should be concerned with. A FRIEND should not be the problem.

[dreamriver]

Hi Phoebes - I cycle through this same struggle again, and again, and again. The struggle is real. Hugs 

A few years ago (before my diagnosis -  I'm only 1+ year diagnosed) someone lagging in texting me would send me into a spiral of lonesome shame and doubt.

One thing that's helped: I became a person who decided I would also take time to text EVERYONE back. That became my new "norm." But when I'm excited and have a lot to say (and the other person is texting me often or it's someone I trust), I'll reciprocate with quick texts. But I changed the "norm" for myself and felt much better... It's weird that there's no such thing as texting etiquette. Now I just don't care about delayed texts (but not texting back? Don't get me started on that!)

Group texts are awful; I would honestly recommend just turning off notifications and never reading them. They always trigger me. It's been a huge help.

Your thoughts about investing in the wrong people are so familiar! I can drown in sadness forever thinking about how none of my friends hardly regularly get in touch. And sometimes, my mind still goes there. I'm dealing with a very close person doing the same to me, actually.

One other thing that's helped (and just my experience - it may not be up everyone's alley), I remind myself that it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them if there's nothing you can pinpoint. They have the hangups, not you (and they might not even have a hang up...maybe just distracted...)

Either way, that distancing friend is someone who (if it were me) I would just start loosening the slack with. Remember that you're always fine and safe on your own. And they may come back around of you give them the space, I've seen friends who I never thought would come back around start getting in touch though not always.

[Phoebes]

Thanks, dreamriver!

Yeah, it's funny, this has happened twice now with this friend, and both times she actually wound up inviting me to do something, and saying she was sorry she's been so out of pocket. I felt she really had reasons, and I had totally overreated in insecurity, twice!

It was just this devastating feeling, like you said, really bad feeling of shame and doubt.

I think these things go back to, of course, Nm and her telling me things like "they don't really want to be your friend," and "no ones going to like you if.." and things like that..even as an ADULT she would say things to remind me I'm not worthy, especially with people of interest of the opposite sex. If I had a quarter for every time she said, "he would never like YOU."

So, I think in my mind, I'm surprised if people actually DO like me. And it leaves me feeling like what I do for the friendship probably doesn't matter much. It probably does, and I feel like I make more than  half the effort. But when I'm put off I think my visceral response os one of a little bit of desperation, like I must have tried too hard and run them off.