Buddy9832’s Journal

[buddy9832]

So it's been a fee weeks since I've been on here and a few weeks of seeing my new T. I had a session with him yesterday that was rather validating. It took me a while to come to terms with having depression and anxiety. cPTSD is something I still find I go back and forth with. There's times I don't consider some of my experiences traumatic enough and therefore, there's no way I could be experience PTSD symptoms. After all my BIL has PTSD and he was blown up by an IED, my experience don't match that criteria. Also may family may have been emotionally neglectful but otherwise I feel like I grew up in a living family. I say this because these factors leave room for doubt in my head.

Yesterday, my T wanted me to share my traumatic Navy experiences. It was solid 45 minutes of me more or less regurgitating these experiences. I won't go into detail in this post but if you are curious I discussed them in my introductory post a while back. Link below:
https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13357.msg100291#msg100291

During the discussion, I experienced something I've never experienced before. I'm not sure whether it was theatrics but he seemed very much moved by my experiences. He ended that conversation affirming that these were very much traumatic experiences and no doubt they had a profound effect on me and my life today.

It gave me chills hearing that. I think it's the closest I've came to shedding tears on these experiences. It felt validating perhaps I'm not crazy or faking it after all.

[Alter-eg0]

It's amazing what genuine connection and validation can do.

I remember when I told my coach about an experience that I had told many other therapists about before, like you said, basically just regurgitating facts.
And I remember looking up and seeing that she had tears in her eyes. That hit me, hard. It was so validating, and it opened things up for me, too.

[rainydiary]

Hi Buddy, thank you for sharing about this.  I agree that someone genuinely hearing and connecting with our story is so healing.  Your experience and your voice matter. 

[buddy9832]

Thanks rainy and Alter-eg0, I appreciate the validation.

It's been a few weeks since I've been on. Work has been absolutely crazy and I'm in my first week of a partial program. As a result, I have taken some time off work and it sounds like I will finally be transitioning off a few projects. I've been communicating that my work load is not sustainable for over 6 months now and things kind of came to a head last week. I didn't end on the greatest of terms. I'm hoping that the transition will assist making life more manageable but I can't help but shake the feeling it' is going to negatively impact me.

The first few days of the program have been fine. Now emotions and feelings of self loathing are starting to resurface.

Today I was in a self compassion group and that brought out a lot of guilt sadness and grief.

What do you do when you are unwilling to let go of your suffering? I acknowledge that my suffering is not only at the expense of myself but my family. Does letting go the suffering imply forgiveness? I'm not willing to forgive myself. Why am I not willing to forgive? And to forgive would imply acknowledgement that perhaps I'm worthy.

These questions have been following me as of late. What's so important that I'm struggling to let go of?

Is it the loss of my family? In letting that go their memory fades and they officially die? Is it my experiences in the Navy? How can I let go of the pregnant woman and cleft child or the life raft that was abandoned.

I find it so difficult to forgive and more importantly to let myself not suffer. I feel like I'm stuck and have been here for a while. What is it going to take to allow me to allow myself not to suffer?

[owl25]

Congratulations on the new T. I hope he can really help you move forward with things. 

What do you do when you are unwilling to let go of your suffering?

I think this is a really important and critical question. Holding on to that pain means something really important to you, even if that's not clear right now.