I Don't Even Want To...

[Aphotic]

I missed out on today's psychiatrist appointment because of my anxiety. I walked up to the counter, said I had an appointment but couldn't remember who with. Receptionist told me to find out and I pretended to look on my phone but I just... Walked out. I don't even know if I want to see this psychiatrist anyway... Last session he gave me the usual CPTSD diagnosis but I couldn't open up about my trauma and he ended up telling me my issues aren't "as bad as others" which shunned me into an EF... Further closing myself up. My heart feels all tight and I'm just really upset and angry.  Do I even want to see this doctor? Not really... I only wanted to get proper advice for medication, and I've got my medication now. So can't I just not show up? Maybe my GP can prescribe me with more... I don't know. I don't know...

I'm just going to hide at my office desk for a while... Try and get myself out of the EF I just put myself in.

[Three Roses]

That receptionist dropped the ball! ☹️ And then to have had the psych minimize your feelings... It's certainly a trigger-worthy experience in my book!

I'm sorry you went through that. I'd feel the same as you. 

[Not Alone]

Receptionist was there to be helpful, not rude.

he ended up telling me my issues aren't "as bad as others"

I'm horrified that he said that to you. How dare he even compare your pain to someone else's.

I'm just going to hide at my office desk for a while... Try and get myself out of the EF I just put myself in.

It's not like you chose to walk through a door labeled "EF." We get swallowed up by EFs, not a choice. Please be kind and nurturing to yourself now. Hiding at your office desk for a bit sounds like a good idea.

[Jazzy]

That sounds really rough, I'm sorry you were treated that way. Maybe it is best you didn't get too involved with them if it was going to be a bad fit though? Just trying to find a positive. You can certainly talk to your GP about medication and/or finding a new psychiatrist. I hope it works out well for you, and you feel better soon. Take care!

[Aphotic]

That receptionist dropped the ball! ☹️ And then to have had the psych minimize your feelings... It's certainly a trigger-worthy experience in my book!

I'm sorry you went through that. I'd feel the same as you. 

Thank you Three Roses.

Receptionist was there to be helpful, not rude.

he ended up telling me my issues aren't "as bad as others"

I'm horrified that he said that to you. How dare he even compare your pain to someone else's.

I'm just going to hide at my office desk for a while... Try and get myself out of the EF I just put myself in.

It's not like you chose to walk through a door labeled "EF." We get swallowed up by EFs, not a choice. Please be kind and nurturing to yourself now. Hiding at your office desk for a bit sounds like a good idea.

I'm honestly a little stunned myself that he'd say something like that. I mean, they're the exact words my FOO would use on me. Why would anyone think that's a helpful thing to say? Thank you for your reply.

That sounds really rough, I'm sorry you were treated that way. Maybe it is best you didn't get too involved with them if it was going to be a bad fit though? Just trying to find a positive. You can certainly talk to your GP about medication and/or finding a new psychiatrist. I hope it works out well for you, and you feel better soon. Take care!

Thanks Jazzy. Your wishes mean a lot to me.

As an update, a different receptionist called me to organise a new appointment and ask why I didn't go to my previous one. I honestly told her I was too anxious and this lady was a lot nicer and understanding. She said "I understand you have CPTSD and that can be very hard to talk about". That was quite validating...

I think, I have enough courage to at least see another appointment or two, just to check and make sure the medication I have is working and maybe my psychiatrist will suggest some other things. But I won't pay too much emotional energy into it. I understand that not everyone is going to be very compatible or nice, some are understanding, some are not so much... but I won't let the small bad occasions impact my motivation. It's only a small amount of effort, then I'll be done with it.

It's amazing how different my posts are when I'm not in an EF! Hah

[Three Roses]

It's amazing how different my posts are when I'm not in an EF!

Mine, too. 

[Not Alone]

It's amazing how different my posts are when I'm not in an EF! Hah

For sure! Me too.

[Aphotic]

I was pleasantly surprised to hear that the previous psychiatrist I saw was a temp so there's a low chance I'll have another session with him. I had another small follow up just to discuss a few administrative things but the lady was so nice it helped to feel a bit calmer. Even the receptionist was nicer this time.

Just a small thing I wanted to share...
I was in the little office space to talk to this lady and as she walked into the room the heavy door clicked harshly as it opened and it caused a short but vivid visual flashback.
I don't know if my reaction was visible, or maybe it was luck - since she had to leave to gather some notes and she asked me if she should keep the door shut or open. I requested it stay open - and I don't know... Just that small thing and just how considerate some of these people can be really made me feel a bit more at ease.

I'm glad I'm giving this place more of a chance.

[Not Alone]

Glad you are experiencing more consideration this time.