CSA you can't remember, with somatic symptoms, intrusive thoughts, etc.?

[Erebor]

Hello all,

I am currently trying to keep myself afloat amidst lethargic depression and increasing awareness of covert and overt CSA I have experienced. I was aware of some of my traumas, but I thought it was (edit: almost) entirely covert and that nothing 'really bad' could have happened to me . From adolescence I dismissed my great fear of CSA and inability to cope with it being talked about as hypersensitivity that did not relate to any personal exposure to it... writing this down I am not quite sure how I managed to sell myself that line.

I recently read the account of a survivor of attempted CSA. She experienced strange symptoms that I can relate to, and in therapy she discovered that they stemmed from the assault.  These symptoms included feeling afraid and unable to sleep at night if she did not have a safe adult in the house; compulsive, intrusive fears of 'something' waiting behind corners to jump out at her, or of terrible monsters lurking in the dark in her room. There may have been some other symptoms, but these are the two that really stood out to me.

I had (and sometimes still have) both of those experiences, along with many more that I cannot yet bring myself to share but that all share a repulsive and unspoken feeling of intended threat or sexual predation. If something 'really bad' did happen to me, is it possible I might not remember it but experience related fears, anxieties, shame, feeling sexualised, bad feelings in my body etc?

**Possible TW**

I am wondering if anyone else here has recurringly experienced crawling/prickling sensations in inappropriate places, that feel horrible and intrusive and like something to run away from? I experienced this regularly at a young age, and since going NC with my F it has ceased, unless I talk about him.  Since beginning to process more of the covert and overt CS in recent weeks, it returned with a vengeance.

It all feels quite overwhelming and scary, so I am hoping I might find some support here.

[Not Alone]

If something 'really bad' did happen to me, is it possible I might not remember it but experience related fears, anxieties, shame, feeling sexualised, bad feelings in my body etc?

It is possible to block out CSA. I did. For a time I had no memory of it, until memories started coming while I was in therapy. I'm sorry you are going through this.

[Erebor]

Thank you notalone.

My reaction to reading your post was ''Oh dear''. I don't know if I am really in a place to handle processing this, but ignoring the covert CSA traumas seemed to be making things worse. And now I am more in touch with my worst known experience of overt CSA and processing some emotions about it for the first time. Things seem to be snowballing slowly from there. I hoped the depression would decrease but the opposite has happened.

I have been trying to rediscover any lost memories that would give me an answer once and for all about whether something happened, but now I think that is perhaps a bad idea. If I blocked it out, it was because I couldn't handle it. Maybe I'm not in the right place to do that yet. If that's the case, I wonder why my unconscious mind pushed SA trauma to the front of my thoughts when I ignored it.

Once again, I think I should find a therapist. That is daunting.

editing after posting to say that it has just occurred to me that I might be waiting for my biological F to die of old age before I can feel safe enough to unpack the past completely.

[Not Alone]

Erebor,
I think taking it slowly is a good idea. You are correct, if you did block things out, there was a reason for that. Personally, I wouldn't be able to do the work I'm doing if I didn't have a good therapist. Interesting idea about your biological F. I know this is really hard. Sending you support.

[Kizzie]

Hi Erebir, I'm not a survivor of CSA but wanted to send my support also as it can help knowing you have people in your corner

And speaking of which, there are more groups for CSA than CPTSD so there might be one in your area if that's something you think might be helpful along with a T. 

[Erebor]

Thank you notalone and Kizzie. Your support is greatly appreciated.

I will have a look for CSA groups in my area. I've already found some free counselling for survivors of CSA so I believe I might start there.

[Kizzie]

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