I Make The Same Mistake - **TW EA**

[Aphotic]

Trigger warning - Emotional abuse
I'm LC with my FOO right now... I keep thinking "It'll be fine, they're better people". I keep making the same mistake. Was only going to stay the night with a friend... for reasons that would be too in depth to explain here. Thought it would actually be peaceful, enjoyable.

My M suddenly informed me that she was picking F up from the airport that night. Then she mentioned cleaning and how he'll be angry if we don't get the place clean. Then the flashbacks hit me, seeing his anger directly in my mind, feeling my entire body go cold and numb - I remembered how every single day after school... having to clean everything before he gets home otherwise I'd face the repercussions. I remained silent for a while and walked outside to be alone for a minute to try and calm myself down.

My M followed me and started insulting me, telling me I was anti-social and disrespectful to my friend there. Said I was selfish for not thinking about his needs. But that wasn't a flashback, she was actually saying it to my face like she had done for years and I couldn't... I snapped and ran off to cry in the darkness of my backyard.

And just something small... (though it made me lose my mind) - coming back to the house after my M's stressed cleaning, I found she had thrown out the little donut I bought for myself. She claimed "I didn't know there was anything in the bag" but to be honest, I just don't think she cared. The bag very obviously had something in it, and the bag wasn't even hers. Throwing away any little pleasure I could ever give myself. That sums it up alright. I realise this is so small of an error but.. surely it's small enough for her to actually care then?

I need to stay firm to this low contact thing. I'm going to ruin myself if I keep giving them chances. I ended up getting a taxi back to my own place with my friend. It's cramped but I feel safer... I wanted to leave before having to meet my F again. I still feel like I'm in a bit of an EF, so anxious, jumpy yet depressed at the same time. I dream of the day I can turn this LC into NC. I really really wish...

[Blueberry]

            Sorry, I've got no words for emotions this morning.


I made that same mistake a good few times before I finally had to see they weren't going to change. Or more likely till I finally realised the depth of the abuse in my childhood, adolescence and on until adulthood. Especially the emotional - it's harder to grasp.

Good on you for going back to your own place where you felt safe.

[Three Roses]

I'm sorry to hear about this, Perplex. It's really hard to limit contact with our toxic families, it goes against the grain of societal expectations. People just don't understand, and unknowingly pressure us into letting the toxicity back into our lives. I hope you find the balance that works for you.

[Kizzie]

This sounds all too familiar Perplex, I understand just how awful it feels - good for you for taking yourself out of the situation.  FWIW I don't think the donut is a small thing, it's a huge symbol of how you're been treated and how you feel about that. 

[Not Alone]

Taking a taxi back to your place sounds like it was a good, healthy decision. Your feelings about the donut are there for a reason and your feelings and thoughts around that incident are of value.

[Jazzy]

Its terrible the way she is treating you. Good job for not putting up with that. Hope you're feeling better soon. Take care!