Relationship dilemma: thoughts wanted

Sceal · September 13, 2019, 07:45:33 AM

I live together with my ex. I broke up roughly 4 years ago, yet we have continued to live together for many reasons. But mainly due to money and the unwillingness of wanting to let completely go.

I told him I need to move out soon. We are just fighting or bickering. Neither can truly move on and work towards being the best us we can be as long as we live the way we do right now.

A few days ago we had another talk about it. Quite a few things were said and I learned alot of new things I hadn't known. He gave up his education for me ( which I had no idea. And I wouldn't have let him do so if I had known at the time. I see education as very important).

But now I am wondering if I am making the right choice. I am seeing a semblance of the man I fell for, not the boy he became since. I wonder if I gave up too soon. If I didn't tell him the truth soon enough.
He says that when we move apart we have to cut contact completey. It will be too hard on him to keep seeing me, or being in contact with me. And although I understand that, I didn't expect it. And I keep crying myself into panic attacks after panic attacks.

I don't know if I should tell him all the things I would need for him to do and change if I were to give him a second chance. The problem is too.. I don't event know if it would work. I don't know if it would be enough. Because it's not just him, it's my past. It's me. And I am not sure if asking him to change for me would be fair when I don't even know if it would work.
I generally believe too, that people should change if they want to, not because other people are telling them to.
But am I taking away his choice for choosing to change or not if I don't let him know?

A friend of mine says no, she says he is an adult he can figure that out on his own. But just because he is an adult that doesn't mean he is a mind reader. I know I definitely am not one.

Or am I just being selfish? And scared?

Tee · September 13, 2019, 03:38:53 PM

that's a hard one. You have to take care of you. It's hard to let go of people we care about but sometimes it's the best thing for both. You could tell him these are some of the things that or reasons that I need space right now. But I was hoping to remain friends. I don't know

good luck.

Kizzie · September 13, 2019, 04:47:49 PM

What about agreeing to take time completely apart to work on yourselves (6 months?), and then reconnect to see if you want to try again?

Sceal · September 13, 2019, 08:58:49 PM

Tee, he knows I want to remain friends. His problem is that he is still very much inlove with me, and seeing me as a friend is too hard. He doesn't want to be around me should I be ready to start dating again (Other men than him). And I can understand that. It'd had been utterly heartbreaking if the roles were reversed. I told him though, that eventhough he says he wants me happy - what he actually wants is me happy with *him*. Whereas I just want him happy.

Kizzie, I was thinking about that. But I think we would both need more than just 6 months. I know that my healing in that regard would take much longer, and I would be under stress to where I would actually be living 6 months from when I move out. And I am concerned that he would only sit and wait for the 6 months to pass and hope for the best without doing any self-improvement.

Another friend of mine asked me if my fear of losing him isn't because it's him, and because I still love him.. but maybe it's something deeper; I react quite badly to losing people. I don't deal very well with that at all. Even if in this case it was my own choosing... I don't know what to do!

Not Alone · September 13, 2019, 10:19:00 PM

Sceal,

I'm wondering if it would be helpful for you to look back and read the times in the past when you have posted about this relationship.

I know this is just one piece. It is a big deal that he gave up his education for you, but that was his choice and in no way obligates you to stay.

Back to the question: What is the healthiest for you? To live with him or to live apart? I know this is and has been very painful for you.

Kizzie · September 14, 2019, 03:09:41 PM

QuoteAnother friend of mine asked me if my fear of losing him isn't because it's him, and because I still love him.. but maybe it's something deeper; I react quite badly to losing people. I don't deal very well with that at all. Even if in this case it was my own choosing...

Did this resonate when they said it Sceal?

Sceal · October 02, 2019, 06:59:25 PM

I am sorry it took me so long to get back to this thread. I just really needed time to process I think.

Notalone, I don't have a habit of re-reading what I've written. Simply because I go into full critique mode of my language and the ways I have chosen to express myself. And I get lost in that than actually reading the content or between the lines of what I'm actually saying.

It is definitively healthier to live apart from him. It took me a while to accpet this, even if I knew it.

Kizzie; Yes it did. At first it puzzled me and I had to figure it out. But I think it is more fear about losing people than it is about losing him particularly.

I don't know if I have just simply grown bitter and resentfull again, or if this is truly how I feel. But I am looking forward to when this process is all over and done with. I feel stuck, like I can't move on. Like I have to be on guard on my toes all the time. Like I can't breathe properly.
It is pretty stupid, because it's coming from me. Not him. He's not really doing anything. But it's enough that I'm not the King of my own castle I think. No privacy.

Blueberry · October 02, 2019, 09:59:50 PM

Hey Sceal, you can take as long as you need to process things! Sometimes it takes time for what you know in your head to reach down into your feelings and then be acted upon.

Your reactions e.g. feeling you can't breathe properly and feeling stuck don't sound stupid to me! That's just how your body is reacting to the ongoing situation and it's giving you a message. My T asks me a lot to observe how my body is reacting because that gives me a clue about my real feelings without me bypassing them or saying "I should not be feeling this way." There are no shoulds about it. You feel what you feel.

This sounds like a really tough problem and you're brave to be looking at it, feeling into it, and writing about it here.

Sceal · October 03, 2019, 07:47:39 AM

Thank you blueberry!

Kizzie · October 03, 2019, 03:53:32 PM

QuoteYour reactions e.g. feeling you can't breathe properly and feeling stuck don't sound stupid to me! That's just how your body is reacting to the ongoing situation and it's giving you a message. My T asks me a lot to observe how my body is reacting because that gives me a clue about my real feelings without me bypassing them or saying "I should not be feeling this way." There are no shoulds about it. You feel what you feel.