Feeling lost (trigger warning)

Rickp · July 31, 2023, 02:27:38 PM

Good morning all, and thank you for letting me in. I suffered a work accident almost 4 years ago. I severely fractured my wrist and ulna. Surgery fixed it...sort of. A month or so after it happened, I started to get violent flashbacks. I consulted my doc and was referred to a psychiatrist then off to CBT. While the CBT has been good in helping me cope with the many losses that I have incurred over the last 4 years (mom died 2019, accident 2019, covid, dad died 2020, mom in law died in 2022) but mostly, being deemed unable to go back to my career as an HVAC tech.

I am at a crossroads with myself. Having constant pain in my wrist/hand always triggers my ptsd and the negative feelings that come with it. Mostly guilt and shame. I cannot shake it. This is negatively impacting my marriage and family. I get stuck. I can't get out of it sometimes. I panic, I get anxiety and depressed and then refer to medication to take the pain away. I hate this.

Kizzie · July 31, 2023, 03:00:04 PM

Hi Rick and a warm welcome to OOTS.

I'm so sorry you went through so much in the span of a few years and are experiencing flashbacks and panic. Do you know what is bringing on the guilt and shame? Is it because you're not over it? CBT can be helpful for some things, but it also makes a lot of us feel we are failing because we don't just get over the trauma we endured.

You suffered a really bad accident then a series of big losses and that can make the world an unsafe and sad place to be. Perhaps you need a therapist who can help you with the fear and grief using a different approach than CBT given you are still suffering.

You could Google where you live for a trauma informed therapist. Or, we have searchable databases for therapists here - https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=881.0.

Papa Coco · July 31, 2023, 04:36:48 PM

Hi Rickp
Welcome to the forum. I have been a member for two years now and it's been a source of great support from/with people who fundamentally understand what I and all of us go through as we deal with the trauma responses that come and go.

Over the course of my lifetime, I did CBT with 6 therapists, each of whom left me feeling like a failure because "I took the cure 6 times but I'm still stuck". I began in 1980. It wasn't until 2005 before I found myself in the care of a good DBT therapist who introduced me to the term "Trauma". My healing began then.

I'm glad you found this forum, and I hope it brings some comfort to you as it has me.

Rickp · July 31, 2023, 06:47:28 PM

Thank you for getting back to me. My psychiatrist has mentioned and encouraged that I try doing the Brunet Method of reconsolidation therapy https://en.reconsolidationtherapy.com/

Apparently it works in only 6 sessions, however they use it with beta blockers, but with the antidepressants, anti anxiety, pain meds and adhd meds, I take enough candy as it is. I am afraid yet curious.

Has anyone tried this?

Rickp · July 31, 2023, 06:55:09 PM

Quote from: Kizzie on July 31, 2023, 03:00:04 PMHi Rick and a warm welcome to OOTS.

I'm so sorry you went through so much in the span of a few years and are experiencing flashbacks and panic. Do you know what is bringing on the guilt and shame? Is it because you're not over it? CBT can be helpful for some things, but it also makes a lot of us feel we are failing because we don't just get over the trauma we endured.

You suffered a really bad accident then a series of big losses and that can make the world an unsafe and sad place to be. Perhaps you need a therapist who can help you with the fear and grief using a different approach than CBT given you are still suffering.

You could Google where you live for a trauma informed therapist. Or, we have searchable databases for therapists here - https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=881.0.

What brings on the guilt and shame starts off with pain. It reminds me of why I am the way I am. I try to shake it off, distractions, deep breathing techniques, medication etc.

Why guilt? Shame? Because I was the only one on site and I was the one who took apart a pipe that was supporting the heating unit my ladder was rested upon. No one else was there, no one. Just me. There is always something to blame for an accident. This time it was me

Kizzie · August 01, 2023, 02:19:56 PM

OK I see why you feel guilt and shame, it's that you made a big mistake and are having trouble living with that because it has caused you and your family problems? I do think that feeling so guilty and ashamed may need a different therapy approach to help you deal with all the emotion. If you've given CBT a good go and it's not quite working, it may be time to try a different less cognitive approach.

I haven't heard of reconsolidation therapy sorry, but I did look it up and it seems to deal with PTSD and very strong emotional reactions to a traumatic event that won't subside. That seems to be what you are saying you're going through. Perhaps you can get a second opinion if you're not certain it is for you?

blue_sky · August 01, 2023, 10:31:17 PM

Hi Rickp,

Welcome to OOTS

I did CBT for about 5-6 years as well with 3 different psychologists. While it can be helpful for some to understand some feelings, It didn't help me with the trauma part.

I also found out that I got most out of my therapy sessions once I met "the" psychologist that I could trust and have a good rapport with. I didn't get that with all therapists of psychiatrists.

I have also heard that DBT can be quite powerful too but because of work and uni commitments, I haven't been able to enrol to the 12-week-long program yet.

Healing will take time and it can be quite a slow process so perseverance is important. And OOTS is here to listen if/when you have obstacles.

Bewildered · August 19, 2023, 02:40:36 AM

Hi Rickp, (this could be a trigger warning.)I can relate to the losses and the pain. My mom died in Dec 2019. My husband was cheating on me online and sending money to women as I was dealing with her funeral. In January 2020, I had to have my dog euthanized. Six months later in June I had to have the other dog put down. Covid was going on. My dad was in a nursing home, they wouldn't let me see him. My husband was still cheating, but I didn't know it at that time. Oct 2021 my dad was dying, my husbands mother just happened to come to visit at that time. She didn't like my dad. She stayed with us a week and then she had a timeshare 45 min away. All my husband could think about was going to the timeshare. My dad was in hospice. He died two days after my birthday. My mother in law didn't even come to the funeral. Now, if my mother in law even mentions my parents I fall apart. Oct 2022 I discovered the extent of my husbands online escapades. Now, I am emotional wreck especially when I think of my parents. Don't know if I should share all this or not, but I can say that I understand the pain of loss, and it takes time to recover, especially when there are multiple ones close together.

Rickp · August 19, 2023, 02:50:31 AM

Thank you all for your heartfelt replies. Sometimes one loss is too much and when someone answers the age old question "how long will it take to recover?" by saying "the time that it takes" is often not acceptable. I can see the scar on my wrist heal everyday but I cannot see the scars inside. Only feel them.

Sometimes I resort to my painkillers to take away the pain, but it does not heal the right one. I feel for all of you in this forum. I truly do. And thank you sincerely for being an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on.

Bewildered · August 20, 2023, 01:48:26 AM

Yes, the scars inside. The external wounds are easy to see. And, we can watch the healing process going on. Sometimes a visible scar is left behind. Sometimes there is even pain in that scar for some time. But the emotional wounds, we cant see them. We can only see the effects that they cause. We can't really see if we are healing emotionally or festering. There are so many ups and downs. We are doing good, then some crazy trigger sends us into a spin. We feel like a scab has been ripped off a wound and we have to start all over again. But, maybe we feel that way because we can't actually see healing take place. I used to work as a nurse. We had to change dressings all the time and we could see wounds slowly healing. Sometimes wounds had to be cleaned out to allow healing to continue. I think we are kind of that way emotionally. As we start to heal, we have to face things we have either tried to ignore or we just didnt know were there. When we start facing those buried issues we start hurting more and think we aren't healing. Anyway, that is just what I see in myself. When I talk about painful issues I feel terrible for awhile afterward. It's more comfortable to bury myself in some unrelated game or video. Sometimes, that is what we have to do for awhile, until we are ready to deal with stuff again.