Vicious Anxiety (Triggers: Abandonment, Death)

[stellajames]

Hello, I'm happy this site is here.

I suffer from acute anxiety. I get anxiety over the thought of getting anxiety (nothing to fear but fear, itself).

Everything happened when I was 10 yrs. old (I'm about to turn 66, so I've had this for 51 years).

1. My father left home, leaving my mom with four kids, 13 and under. He found a college girl who "needs me more," he told my mother. He lied to me, said he had to go away on business for "a few days." He never came back. My mother wigged out, started walking the neighborhood at night weeping -- she did this for nine months. I would wake, terrified of dying of everybody I loved dying, and my mother was gone. My father was gone. My older brother snuck out right after my mom went out to walk. I BEGGED GOD to help. He didn't. I learned quickly there is no god, and that made me terrified, thinking of rotting in a coffin forever.
   My grandmother and uncle lived next door to us. The first night I knocked on their door, looking for my mother. They answered and said, "Leave your poor mother alone."
   I asked my father when he was going to come home again, and he said, "You have a cat, I'm allergic to cats." I told him we'd find a home for the cat. He said, "No. You love your cat more than you love me." I felt responsible for him not coming home. I felt responsible for my mother's pain, her disappearing. EVERYBODY I KNEW OR LOVED WAS GOING TO LEAVE ME OR DIE. And one cannot argue that.
2. My dog died
3. My grades died. After skipping 2nd grade, I was held back in 5th, my classmates, friends, started calling me 'Flunky'.
4. My cat disappeared (my father brought us a kitten, the one I "loved more than" him).
5. I was bitten by a stray cat. While out searching for him/her (to avoid rabies shots), I was hit by a car. My sister, home with mumps, caused the hospital to put me in isolation in fear of contaminating the entire children's hospital. (My left collarbone was broken, my neck was swollen. I had already had mumps). I felt lost in the dark room every night, sick and scared. I was there for 10 days.
6. I asked my mother if she believes in god. She said, "I like to think there's a god..." It flipped me out so badly I immediately threw up in terror.

Words like, always, forever, eternity, dead, death and more would trigger me. Trying to imagine what's on the other side of the universe.  More terror, vomiting, diarrhea. On and on.

There were times in my life when I didn't have anxiety at all, but that's because I found alcohol at 13 years old. I drank a full glass of mixed boozes (a couple of altar boys stole two cases of booze for a wedding reception from a church basement). I drank it, FELT NO FEAR for the first time in three years. I blacked out, came to and got sick -- and grabbed the glass again. I was an alcoholic from my first sip. At 16 (a baby hippie) I started to trade marijuana w/adult hippies for vodka. Then came other drugs, but alcohol was my drug of choice. While now I know it will kill me, back then it saved my life.

I drank on and off for 40 years, nearly a quart a day, starting when I woke. Then it quit working and caused anxiety.

Two years ago, my mother died. This year, near her death anniversary, I started to get anxiety again, but very much more extreme, to the point of checking myself into a hospital. My worst childhood fear had come true, I lost my mother.

Now, I'm not too afraid of my own death, and I've felt suicidal on and off (though I won't do that to my husband, my nieces).  And that's how it affects me to this day, although the vomiting stopped about a year ago.  I've been sober going on 13 years. I take Lorazepam sparingly because I don't need another addiction. I'm taking medication and also vitamins and minerals. Lately, I wake every morning around three a.m., sick with anxiety, my guts churning. I still work because my psychiatric nurse practitioner (PNP?) told me keeping busy helps ease anxiety. She is right, but I'm completely exhausted, frightened and depressed.

And while my mother was my hero, I don't want to be her, especially how she was at 90, because I'm only 65! But I feel I am turning into her. I can't eat much, I can see my ribs (I've always been fat). My skin is hanging off my arms, thighs. I feel like I'm dying.

And so it goes.

Bright blessings. Thanks for listening.

.

[Snowdrop]

Pleased to meet you, stellajames. I'm sorry you went through all that. I hope being on this forum helps you.

[Northman]

Your story really moved me. I`m so sad you was born into that!

[woodsgnome]

I know that had to be difficult to share, but doing so here is safe, as this community tends to be understanding and supportive. I hope your move to reach out here is a start towards discovering the better life you deserve.

[Not Alone]

stellajames,

The fear and blame you experienced as a child is heartbreaking. Welcome to this forum. I hope you receive comfort and support here, as I have.

[stellajames]

Thank you all, for making me feel welcome here. Thank you, too, for understanding how horrible it can be. I wish you all well. <3

[Kizzie]

Welcome Stella, I hope by being here you will begin to feel less alone with the terror many of us felt growing up.  It's hard to explain to anyone who has not experienced what we have that we had to deal with deeply traumatizing situations like abandonment and death as children.  When adults look at trauma they do so through from their perspective rather than through the eyes of a child and that just doesn't capture the absolute terror, fear and threat we faced. Here we get it.

I'm so sorry for all that you endured and I do hope being here will help you on your journey to recovery and healing.   

[stellajames]

Thanks so much Kizzie. I'm really happy a friend shared OTTS with me.

[Kizzie]