Hello

[voicelessagony2]

Hello everyone. 

Sorry I just disappeared for a while. I hope I have not caused any worry or disappointment. Nobody offended me, or anything like that, I just have been getting busier lately.

All the work I am doing on myself, working toward mental health and career, leaves me mentally and physically exhausted. It seems like just doing the necessary household chores and self-improvement work every day, leaves me with no energy or desire to get online and participate here, as much as I know it helps. I have a lot of research and creative work to do on the computer that doesn't get done, either. Today I didn't wake up until after 9:00, and even after having coffee, I stayed in bed and slept some more from 11:00 until 2 PM!

I have continued my weekly therapy visits, and even found 2 local groups that meet every week. I've been to the Thursday night group twice, and this week I will start the Wednesday night group too. One is a more formal recovery group, while the other is completely informal.

I'm still not working yet, but I have been forcing myself to go to more career workshops & stuff, which has been helping me meet people and get ideas how to get un-stuck. The only thing stopping me is that I continue to be overwhelmed by indecisiveness about what to focus on. I believe having a very specific area to specialize in will be my way back into the business or employment marketplace. But it seems like every single day, I change my mind about what that will be. 

I still struggle with my core beliefs about being unworthy of anything good, and I am still easily triggered into silence and mental confusion. It's two steps forward, one step back, at times deeply frustrating. I still have the occasional panicky feeling that I am exaggerating my own abuse and trauma, and that I "shouldn't" need all this help, and I "shouldn't" be struggling like this. But that thought is easier than most to deal with, and it doesn't keep me down.

Well, thanks for reading, if you're still with me. 

[Widdiful Falling]

I don't think I've met you before, but welcome back.  It's hard to find one thing to specialize in. Maybe you just haven't found the right thing yet?

It's awesome that you're persevering like that, and trying to get better. It sounds like you're trying to accomplish a lot at once. No wonder you're so tired.

[voicelessagony2]

Hi WF, thanks for replying. You must have joined during my absence.

Yeah, about specializing, I am quite sure that I have plenty of knowledge and experience to specialize in something, and I know generally where, like in this HUGE subject area, but I guess I just need a lot of validation and encouragement to help me pick a place to START, at least...

[Widdiful Falling]

If you don't mind my asking, what is your subject area?

[voicelessagony2]

I have a degree and background in IT, but for the last 10 years or so my work has been more on the internal communications side, like PR/marketing but more like selling corporate propaganda BS to employees, trying to get them to be more productive & company values or whatever... I'm sick of that insincere BS they call "communications" and I want to do more "real" communicating, using my creativity and writing skills for real, honest and direct connection. Like, I don't mind doing newsletters, but not the kind that only produces a sugar coated version of "look at all these happy workers" covering up the real messages that need to be heard.

So, see, that was way too long and vague, because I still don't know really how to answer that question.

[Widdiful Falling]

I understand not wanting the insincere BS. It's probably a running theme around here. 

Even though you have no idea what you want to do, you seem to have a pretty good idea of what you don't want. Have you tried approaching it from that end? Maybe find a list of related jobs, and knock them off your list one-by-one until you're left with something manageable?

[no_more_fear]

Hi  ,

I too didn't have the pleasure of meeting you before. I'm looking forward to getting to know you now though.

It's great that you have support groups to go to. Do you find it really helps? You've given me the idea and I'm starting to investigate them in my local area as well.

I know all about those feeling of unworthiness, but you're conquering them, living your life how you want to and recovering. You've done brilliantly.

[Kizzie]

Glad to have you back VA!   

[Rrecovery]

Welcome back VA    I understand the type of exhaustion you are experiencing.  It can be hard to be in a place of recovery where the old ways are no longer tolerable, but the new ways have not yet been revealed. You're in a productive limbo.  It's good to hear from you 

[voicelessagony2]

I don't know yet about the groups, I've only been a few times so far. I don't know where else I will find people to connect with and I know I need people, period.