Gaslighting

[Blueberry]

I caught my one garden neighbour attempting to gaslight me today. I suggested to her today that she might have noticed that that huge pile of branches and sticks and stuff has been waaaaay reduced? And that I spent 3 afternoons on it in Nov. and 8 trips with the cargo bike. Which was in the end too much for me. So next year, could she please participate in some of that type of work too?? Seeing as she has a car and most of the stuff was her garden refuse to begin with?

"But you said you wanted to keep that to repurpose it!" I did not. I asked her if she wanted to keep it for some reason to which she said she didn't but she wouldn't cart it away either. Today I merely repeated the italicised bit to her. Then I wondered something similar to something I've wondered about FOO before too, something like "how can this intelligent person get it so mixed up?" (She is a doctor after all, it does involve some amount of brain power getting to that point.)

But now I remember: narcs come in all sorts of professions. Claiming cluelessness is one of their trademarks. Anyway a few minutes ago I checked out Gaslighting over at OOTF. In one of the scenarios: a person "tries to persuade you that you said or did something that you know is inaccurate". She didn't really try and persuade me but she stated it as bald fact. It's not the first time. I'm thinking of B1 as I write. Claiming cluelessness (or forgetfulness) is trademark in my FOO too. They're all intellectually intelligent in FOO. They're gaslighters.

On OOTF also: "A gaslighting perpetrator's fabrications may be presented so convincingly and with such conviction you begin to question yourself and your own memories and judgment." Fits. Except this time I didn't question myself for long. I thought of my defense instead. If that's what she thought, why was she dumping all sorts of other stuff on top of the pile all summer and into fall?? Not logical. But now as opposed to in my childhood and in plenty of other dealings with FOO since, I'm not going to confront her with that. It's useless. Much more useful to look at ways to act healthily for myself around a narc. My neighbour's mother is one too. No wonder I was soo soo triggered in the summer during one interaction with her.

Also from OOTF: "What NOT to do:

    Don't equate intelligence with character - just because someone can run rings around you in an argument doesn't mean they are right.
    Don't waste your time trying to convince someone who has already made up their mind about you that they should reconsider.
    Don't argue with a person who is fabricating the facts. Wait for them to return to reality before engaging them in a discussion and do it on YOUR terms - not theirs. "

I didn't argue with her. In FOO I was taught to argue and keep going. To not let go. Like in point 1: FOO believes that the one who wins the argument is right. I kept trying to win arguments in FOO, it was the only way to try and survive. But I've stepped back. It's a waste of time and it's a total waste of time with my garden neighbour or her mother too.

[Not Alone]

 

[Blueberry]

It occurred to me on the way back from T that just that one sentence from M on money is gaslighting. Her whole behaviour on this topic is a form of gaslighting.

I've already written how FOO behaves on my first post on this thread. There's nothing more to say on it here, though there will be to M and F in the near future

[Kizzie]

Naming the behaviour of those w/NPD was the point when I felt free finally.  Now when someone is trying to gaslight/hoover/triangulate/confuse/etc me, I can stand firm and grounded in the midst of all that.

It sounds like you are doing the same now BB - bravo!                

[Blueberry]

Well, I'm certainly getting there. That was all via email. If it had been irl or on the phone I'm not sure I would have managed, but that's one of the reasons I'm vvvlc with FOO and only communicate via email.