The effect of hyper vigilance

[Gromit]

Does anyone else get like this:

I threw myself headlong into the task of really looking at my issues. You could say I was hypervigilant about trauma recovery, and you wouldn't be wrong. I found a trauma-informed therapist and started EMDR therapy. I read all of the books. I joined online groups. I researched. I studied. Did I mention I was hypervigilant? https://somethingtosayafterabusecom.com/2018/08/18/ten-tools-for-trauma-survivors/

Is it a distraction from feeling? An obsession? I have been like this about climate change recently, it has just got me panicking.

Luckily I am doing some training which included meditation and lots of good yoga practices which is helping. Re-reading the blog it just struck me. I also happened to mention my feelings of responsibility to a fellow traveller at ACA and they concurred, having recently been in a country with different recycling habits, they felt guilty.

I was curious about the way the blog linked hyper vigilance with obsessively studying etc. Can anyone explain the link? Perhaps I should just ask on the blog.

G

[Rainagain]

Not sure if it's the same but I can get very focussed and perfectionist about things, a bit obsessive.

Something has to be quite important before I get into that condition, usually my life is totally disorganised.

[grace4]

Hi!

This is such an interesting post and something I've wondered about myself very often. I think I either have hyper vigilant days where I'm trying to prevent something bad from happening and then days where I'm distracting myself from the pain through most positive tasks.  For example, I can become obsessive about my health sometimes, or I triple check that I've done something correctly bc I have this terrible feeling * is going to hit the fan. Or I'll check my front door multiple times during the night bc I can't seem to believe that I'm safe. I can also obsessive over anything related to my job by becoming a perfectionist.  There are other times when I try to distract myself from all of the pain through working a lot
or creating beautiful experiences for myself like going to a coffee shop and knitting. I also have different seasons where I'll be really into say folk music from the 70's and I'll just dive into learning all about that. I think for me these may be ways of dealing with all of the pain. Sometimes I wonder if hyper vigilance is the result of an emotional flashback? I also wonder if when I'm distracting myself through work that is my flight response to pain? Sorry if this was all over the place, hope this was helpful! Xo

[Gromit]

@grace4 yes, that is helpful, I am also a door checker, although more on the way out than when I am inside, because I guess I worry that the * will hit the fan if something happens and it will be my fault for not locking the door.

I am not conscious of trying to avoid pain or distract from it, maybe because there is always a distraction of some kind to be found, even zoning out in meditation is a distraction from being with feelings.

G

[Kizzie]

For me hypervigilance seems to have resulted in an overactive "executive" - the responsible, make sure everything is taken care of/done part.  It's kicks in when my feet hit the floor in the morning and it chases all the other thoughts away so I can get done what I need to.  For me it did include studying. 

When I read that those of us with CPTSD/Relational Trauma Response have difficulties concentrating I think, "On the contrary ...."  The only time that is not true is when I am having an EF.  I've always suspected this is why I suffer from insomnia - hard to fall asleep when my executive part won't turn in for the night. It also means I am really thrown off balance when there are things I can't do much about in my life and beyond, like climate change, politicians who have NPD or worse, etc. 

Your post makes me think this is another under-reported aspect of relational trauma; that for some of us hypervigilance may result in an overdeveloped executive or responsible part as a way of controlling our lives.  Of course, there's also the perfectionism we tend to suffer from, that doesn't help matters.

[Phoebes]

I've wondered this too, Gromit as looking back on the years I see how I have researched many topics to a degree that I could have just had a degree in them!

It's been several years that, like you, I regularly learn and reinforce a lot of information about healing from trauma, etc. I feel like at the height of going through a lot of symptoms especially, it helped regulate me and validate what I was going through. I'm not sure if it was hyper vigilant or just vigilant. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

But, I DO think that in the past when I researched, say, nutrition very extensively, I was distracted from my true self and avoiding creating art. I'm glad to have the info and passionate about nutrition as well, but I do think it was dissociative, subconsciously. And I am a bit obsessive about what I eat. Not as bad as some, but way moreso than most.

[woodsgnome]

There seems to be a fine line between awareness and hyper-vigilance; and the latter can tip the balance.

Without some vigilance, it feels like I'm being too risky, vulnerable to stuff happening again and ruining my life. A few years ago I was in a work situation where someone who was hired by the organization I was working for closely resembled -- in looks, actions, personality -- one of the main abusers I'd had.

I became ultra-careful, but even then she'd do things that set me into a frizzy to where I'd need to seek retreat or at least dissociate in order not to go extremely yucky and beyond. It mostly came down to an avoidance issue, but it never felt right.

Who knows if I'd eased up on the tension? But I didn't, as it felt safer to back away, even though I had reason to interact with this person that would have benefited the group I was working for.

Trouble is, I know I tried. The vigilance was natural, I feel; but its overboard nature might have went beyond the fine line -- everything was so filled with fear I found it hard to deal with.

Speaking more generally, yes it seems there's a perfectionist streak involved with obsessively studying what to do sometimes. I've read all the books and also felt obsessed to make things come out just right. Forcing the issue by having unrealistic expectations. This has happened when I reach out to people and get snubbed; ut wasn't sure if there weren't other reasons. Sometimes this vigilance pays off, but usually not in the exact manner I thought it might.

Combatting hyper-vigilance can take lots of creative exploration. It's like peeking out from the iceberg I find myself in, wanting some of what I see outside but scared when the slightest negative shows up, which can fuel more hyper-vigilance, justified or not.

So I'm still needing to pay attention to the fine line, stay aware, and be flexible. Being a survivor is like that. What I hope I'm able to communicate is that all hyper-vigilance IS NOT wrong, but it does come with that fine line. And yes, it can go wrong -- but also right. Lastly, it's probably not worth being so worried and anxious about so much, but it also seems to involve more surfing with the waves than total resistance.

[Gromit]

For me hypervigilance seems to have resulted in an overactive "executive" - the responsible, make sure everything is taken care of/done part.  It's kicks in when my feet hit the floor in the morning and it chases all the other thoughts away so I can get done what I need to........I am really thrown off balance when there are things I can't do much about in my life and beyond, like climate change, politicians who have NPD or worse, etc. 

Your post makes me think this is another under-reported aspect of relational trauma; that for some of us hypervigilance may result in an overdeveloped executive or responsible part as a way of controlling our lives.  Of course, there's also the perfectionism we tend to suffer from, that doesn't help matters.

Yes, I have that capable side and also experience the 'can't think now, too many people are talking at once' where I am unable to concentrate. But what you said about things beyond your control hit home, I am hoping after the Election tomorrow I will feel better....

And Phoebe, my earliest memories are of constantly analysing and trying to make sense of why my mother behaved as she did, feeling if I could only know why I would have some peace.

G

[Erebor]

I've been thinking about similar things and rereading Pete Walker's steps for tackling the Inner Critic has been very helpful. I'll quote the three that stand out the most to me.

PERFECTIONISM ATTACKS
Perfectionism My perfectionism arose as an attempt to gain safety and support in my dangerous family. Perfection is a self-persecutory myth. I do not have to be perfect to be safe or loved in the present. I am letting go of relationships that require perfection. I have a right to make mistakes. Mistakes do not make me a mistake. Every mistake or mishap is an opportunity to practice loving myself in the places I have never been loved.

Micromanagement/Worrying/Obsessing/
Looping/ Over-Futurizing I will not repetitively examine details over and over. I will not jump to negative conclusions. I will not endlessly second-guess myself. I cannot change the past. I forgive all my past mistakes. I cannot make the future perfectly safe. I will stop hunting for what could go wrong. I will not try to control the uncontrollable. I will not micromanage myself or others. I work in a way that is "good enough", and I accept the existential fact that my efforts sometimes bring desired results and sometimes they do not. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference" - The Serenity Prayer


ENDANGERMENT ATTACKS
Drasticizing/Catastrophizing/Hypochondrisizing I feel afraid but I am not in danger. I am not "in trouble" with my parents. I will not blow things out of proportion. I refuse to scare myself with thoughts and pictures of my life deteriorating. No more home-made horror movies and disaster flicks.
Negative focus I renounce over-noticing & dwelling on what might be wrong with me or life around me. I will not minimize or discount my attributes. Right now, I notice, visualize and enumerate my accomplishments, talents and qualities, as well as the many gifts Life offers me, e.g., friends, nature, music, film, food, beauty, color, pets, etc.

[Kizzie]

But what you said about things beyond your control hit home, I am hoping after the Election tomorrow I will feel better....

Politics aside, someone getting into power who has many of the behaviours of our abusers is so triggering for us because of our lack of control.  I hope things go your way in the election today    If not I should mention I went back to therapy because I was constantly triggered by Trump and it did shift me out of that stuck place of feeling like I did when I was a child trapped my parents' NPD.